No longer a big fish in a small pond
I've struggled with issues of depression on and off since I graduated. Now I know why. At Prin I was someone, out here, I'm just some guy. At Prin everyone knew my name, now my only friends are my roomates. At Prin I was adored or reviled by all, very few people had ambivalent feelings of me. Out here, people just don't care. They say depression strikes losers the hardest, and well, I haven't done shit with my life since I graduated and now that what appear to be opportunities are presenting themselves I'm afraid to take them because I've been scammed, duped, deceived, and betrayed by false promises of progress so many times recently. The people who have shown me the most love and kindness have been met with the most coldness and apathy. Even my escapes taste stale and dry.
This past weekend was the most amazing experience I've had in a long time. I was completely enveloped with love, joy, and all that is good and it overwhelmed me and reminded me of what it's like to be accepted and in the middle of it all. Additionally I felt a lot of my old cynicism and doubts melt away as I was witness to the true love shared between both Beth & Jared and Rick & Christina. I opened up just in time to meet the cold world again with open doors and all that I had been battling swept right in.
I am guided by fear. Fear of facing the world alone. Fear of rejection. Fear of lack. I am so surrounded by it I panic and flail and have self-destructive tendencies and sometimes hurt those around me. I'm broke, feel alone, stuck spinning my wheels in a job market where everyone's hurting. I need help, but have been too afraid to ask for it,at first it was some deranged machismo that I was too manly, independent for help. Now it's a fear that nobody will answer and that my suspicions were right. Even now I hesitate to publish this story not because I am worried that nobody sees it, but that it will bring me more trouble than if I just kept my trap shut. Even if someone does see it, you must have because you're reading this, what can you do? What would you do? Have I ever even done anything for you? Are we so close that you even care about any of this?
I'm not following my own advice...the best advice anyone can give anyone under any circumstances..."Don't Panic." I just want to know that I matter, that I am capable of success, and that soon it'll be daylight.
This past weekend was the most amazing experience I've had in a long time. I was completely enveloped with love, joy, and all that is good and it overwhelmed me and reminded me of what it's like to be accepted and in the middle of it all. Additionally I felt a lot of my old cynicism and doubts melt away as I was witness to the true love shared between both Beth & Jared and Rick & Christina. I opened up just in time to meet the cold world again with open doors and all that I had been battling swept right in.
I am guided by fear. Fear of facing the world alone. Fear of rejection. Fear of lack. I am so surrounded by it I panic and flail and have self-destructive tendencies and sometimes hurt those around me. I'm broke, feel alone, stuck spinning my wheels in a job market where everyone's hurting. I need help, but have been too afraid to ask for it,at first it was some deranged machismo that I was too manly, independent for help. Now it's a fear that nobody will answer and that my suspicions were right. Even now I hesitate to publish this story not because I am worried that nobody sees it, but that it will bring me more trouble than if I just kept my trap shut. Even if someone does see it, you must have because you're reading this, what can you do? What would you do? Have I ever even done anything for you? Are we so close that you even care about any of this?
I'm not following my own advice...the best advice anyone can give anyone under any circumstances..."Don't Panic." I just want to know that I matter, that I am capable of success, and that soon it'll be daylight.