(no subject)
HA! You thought I wouldn't do it! But I DID! I am posting! muhahaha
So anyways...lately I have been feeling kinda depressed. Not as depressed as I was this time last year, hell no. Considering the time of year, I thought I'd be way worse. So in a way, it kinda takes me out of the moodyness to know I could be worse. The only thing that has been actually bothering me now is just being pissed at myself. The fact that I can't know for sure that there's a drug out there that I wouldn't try. I'm not saying that I'm gunna be out looking for coke or something like that, but I am saying that if a line was in front of me and someone offered it, I don't know if I could decline. I was so sure that I had all of those kind of problems dealt with. I had next to no desire to drink, the only reason I'd smoke was because I had it and wanted to get rid of it, I had everything under control. Then, the option of neither of those things comes up and I accept without thinking at all. Of course, when under the influence of one thing, I needed to be under the influence of everything. That was over and I was back to always sober all the time phase. Then thanksgiving break came up. I go to this party promising myself to be clean. So of course, I come home drunk and high. It is then that I realize that if my friends in college did more than drink, this is what I'd be doing every day. I get it. I'm in college. I'm supposed to want to party. But then, what happens if I end up like my dad? Unable to get out of that party mode; never grow up. What's worse is that I wanted to quit everything, at least till like, new years eve to like get everything completely out of my system. Then I realized promises I made to people, offerings people made to me that I accepted at the time, all different kinds of stuff and came to the conclusion that I couldn't even do that. Hence, I don't know if I'll ever.
K I just really needed to get that off of my chest. Now on to happy stuff!
Today and yesterday (well, technically now, yesterday and the day before) have been quite happy. I now have a room that I'm moving in to in Lenape next semester, I've been catching up with people I had lost touch with recently, things are overall like they were in the beginning of the school year. This has made me think, maybe this christmas season will be ok. Maybe nothing will happen in this month that will have me at the point that I was last year and the year before that and the year before that. Of course I wont get my hopes up though. If I start thinking all optimistic, things wont be good. Better to be surprised with happiness than shocked with pain.
Lindsay is now done with her rant. haha she doesn't post anything for months and then takes up the entire page. kbye
So anyways...lately I have been feeling kinda depressed. Not as depressed as I was this time last year, hell no. Considering the time of year, I thought I'd be way worse. So in a way, it kinda takes me out of the moodyness to know I could be worse. The only thing that has been actually bothering me now is just being pissed at myself. The fact that I can't know for sure that there's a drug out there that I wouldn't try. I'm not saying that I'm gunna be out looking for coke or something like that, but I am saying that if a line was in front of me and someone offered it, I don't know if I could decline. I was so sure that I had all of those kind of problems dealt with. I had next to no desire to drink, the only reason I'd smoke was because I had it and wanted to get rid of it, I had everything under control. Then, the option of neither of those things comes up and I accept without thinking at all. Of course, when under the influence of one thing, I needed to be under the influence of everything. That was over and I was back to always sober all the time phase. Then thanksgiving break came up. I go to this party promising myself to be clean. So of course, I come home drunk and high. It is then that I realize that if my friends in college did more than drink, this is what I'd be doing every day. I get it. I'm in college. I'm supposed to want to party. But then, what happens if I end up like my dad? Unable to get out of that party mode; never grow up. What's worse is that I wanted to quit everything, at least till like, new years eve to like get everything completely out of my system. Then I realized promises I made to people, offerings people made to me that I accepted at the time, all different kinds of stuff and came to the conclusion that I couldn't even do that. Hence, I don't know if I'll ever.
K I just really needed to get that off of my chest. Now on to happy stuff!
Today and yesterday (well, technically now, yesterday and the day before) have been quite happy. I now have a room that I'm moving in to in Lenape next semester, I've been catching up with people I had lost touch with recently, things are overall like they were in the beginning of the school year. This has made me think, maybe this christmas season will be ok. Maybe nothing will happen in this month that will have me at the point that I was last year and the year before that and the year before that. Of course I wont get my hopes up though. If I start thinking all optimistic, things wont be good. Better to be surprised with happiness than shocked with pain.
Lindsay is now done with her rant. haha she doesn't post anything for months and then takes up the entire page. kbye