(no subject)
its time to be a typical high school senior at the end of her high school career and start reflecting on things. bah. i started thinking all these things out in the car on the ride home from school.
in all reality, i think my senior year kinda sucked. well, at least my junior year was better, maybe thats what i mean. even after all the great amazing things that happened this year, i just cant look back on it and get an overall good feeling. mr haynes put it into words better than i could a few weeks ago. "boz, you life this year has be clouded over with depression with a few high moments, peaks of happiness, but they never last. they disappear as quickly as they came." a lot of things have contributed to that. matthew left for college and although weve kept in touch, talking everyday and visits at least one weekend per month, its been rough on our relationship. the relationship has changed, its gotten more complicated in some ways, and so seperate in others. its like i live two lives. one here and one with him on the phone. i dont like it. he'll be home in a few days though for the summer and maybe we'll recapture the magic that blossomed last summer when we fell in love.
i also keep comparing everything when i shouldnt. i look at the shows i did. footloose last year was amazing, yet it didnt go to state. and i only had a small supporting role. this year we did sugar which i didnt enjoy as much, yet i had a lead and it went all the way to state. thats been tainted by last years group of seniors who were numreous and extremely talented. my class is smaller, and were not as dedicated because at the begining of the year mrs roche kept telling us how we were so much unlike last year which discouraged us. we obviously wont live up to them, so why even try? im so ready for drama to be over this year, even though, looking back at the facts, not the emotions, its been my best year ever. three 4 events at districts, critics choice for two and a scholarship, a show performed on carol morsani stage at TPAC, and 2 events at state. why am i so miserable when i think about it?
theres an element of jealousy that plays in with the end of my junior year. i met some amazing people through matthew. he had an awesome group of friends that traveled through all of high school together and were so close knit. even those they've kinda fallen apart due to distace (seperate colleges) they have those amazing memories and good times to look back on. im jealous of that. i dont have a close knit group. i wish i did. matthew asked if we could go with a group to prom or after prom, i said thatd be fun, but who? no ones invited me, i dont have close enough friends to do that. the closest ive got is katie and mike who were meeting up with for desert before the dance. but thats nothing compared to matthews group of over 15 who stuck together through the entire senior prom night. i love matthews friends and in all honesty, the best memories of my high school life are with them those few times we hung out last summer.
isnt odd how the human memory works? the good memories are all in bright colors, wonderful smells and sounds. and certain things can trigger those memories to come flooding back. on the other hand, the world im living in right now, the day to day trudge i go through is full of browns and grays and blinding sun and nothing refreshing. i know its cliche but the title of a song from "little shop of horrors" describes my feeling right now. i want to escape to "somewhere thats green". i want to run away and go back to last summer. to easy, happy days in the theatre, the laughter, the smiles, the kisses, the late nights down by the pier in matthews arms... life was simple and happy then. things have changed, and i dont really see any good ones. at least not yet. college is coming soon. in many ways im looking forward to it. yet, im apprihensive too. some changes in other people i dont want to believe are there, settings i know exsist that i just dont want to enter but will have to, and the fear that it will become like this year has, full of dull colors, dead surroundings, and unhappiness.
i am listening to music now, one of my favorite things to do. its all music from the cd's matthew has made me the past year. certain songs trigger memories i just want to surround myself with. i want to think of happy times, not the present. ya know, thats probobly one of my all time favorite memories of this relationship. that night matthew suprised me with the first cd hed made for me. he was just coming over for a normal night of hanging out and handed me a gift. it didnt cost him anything exceot to spare a though for me and do something to make me feel special. he probobly thinks it wasnt a big deal, just giving me some music, but it meant so much to me. since then ive had to ask for more music, hint at little ideas to make me feel special even at a distance and more than half the time, he ignores them or uses the excuse, "i dont have money" or "you're too far away". im not asking to be spoiled. but let me know im thought of every now or then. an unexpected letter in the mail, a flower or cd for me when i see you, even if its one u just picked out of my own yard. its means so much to know a small effort was made when you thought of me. i hope im not asking too much.
i dont know, i have so many more thoughts in my head, i just dont know haw to put them all down in writing. i know im not making sense as it is. perhaps ill just shut up and not waste anyone else's time.
in all reality, i think my senior year kinda sucked. well, at least my junior year was better, maybe thats what i mean. even after all the great amazing things that happened this year, i just cant look back on it and get an overall good feeling. mr haynes put it into words better than i could a few weeks ago. "boz, you life this year has be clouded over with depression with a few high moments, peaks of happiness, but they never last. they disappear as quickly as they came." a lot of things have contributed to that. matthew left for college and although weve kept in touch, talking everyday and visits at least one weekend per month, its been rough on our relationship. the relationship has changed, its gotten more complicated in some ways, and so seperate in others. its like i live two lives. one here and one with him on the phone. i dont like it. he'll be home in a few days though for the summer and maybe we'll recapture the magic that blossomed last summer when we fell in love.
i also keep comparing everything when i shouldnt. i look at the shows i did. footloose last year was amazing, yet it didnt go to state. and i only had a small supporting role. this year we did sugar which i didnt enjoy as much, yet i had a lead and it went all the way to state. thats been tainted by last years group of seniors who were numreous and extremely talented. my class is smaller, and were not as dedicated because at the begining of the year mrs roche kept telling us how we were so much unlike last year which discouraged us. we obviously wont live up to them, so why even try? im so ready for drama to be over this year, even though, looking back at the facts, not the emotions, its been my best year ever. three 4 events at districts, critics choice for two and a scholarship, a show performed on carol morsani stage at TPAC, and 2 events at state. why am i so miserable when i think about it?
theres an element of jealousy that plays in with the end of my junior year. i met some amazing people through matthew. he had an awesome group of friends that traveled through all of high school together and were so close knit. even those they've kinda fallen apart due to distace (seperate colleges) they have those amazing memories and good times to look back on. im jealous of that. i dont have a close knit group. i wish i did. matthew asked if we could go with a group to prom or after prom, i said thatd be fun, but who? no ones invited me, i dont have close enough friends to do that. the closest ive got is katie and mike who were meeting up with for desert before the dance. but thats nothing compared to matthews group of over 15 who stuck together through the entire senior prom night. i love matthews friends and in all honesty, the best memories of my high school life are with them those few times we hung out last summer.
isnt odd how the human memory works? the good memories are all in bright colors, wonderful smells and sounds. and certain things can trigger those memories to come flooding back. on the other hand, the world im living in right now, the day to day trudge i go through is full of browns and grays and blinding sun and nothing refreshing. i know its cliche but the title of a song from "little shop of horrors" describes my feeling right now. i want to escape to "somewhere thats green". i want to run away and go back to last summer. to easy, happy days in the theatre, the laughter, the smiles, the kisses, the late nights down by the pier in matthews arms... life was simple and happy then. things have changed, and i dont really see any good ones. at least not yet. college is coming soon. in many ways im looking forward to it. yet, im apprihensive too. some changes in other people i dont want to believe are there, settings i know exsist that i just dont want to enter but will have to, and the fear that it will become like this year has, full of dull colors, dead surroundings, and unhappiness.
i am listening to music now, one of my favorite things to do. its all music from the cd's matthew has made me the past year. certain songs trigger memories i just want to surround myself with. i want to think of happy times, not the present. ya know, thats probobly one of my all time favorite memories of this relationship. that night matthew suprised me with the first cd hed made for me. he was just coming over for a normal night of hanging out and handed me a gift. it didnt cost him anything exceot to spare a though for me and do something to make me feel special. he probobly thinks it wasnt a big deal, just giving me some music, but it meant so much to me. since then ive had to ask for more music, hint at little ideas to make me feel special even at a distance and more than half the time, he ignores them or uses the excuse, "i dont have money" or "you're too far away". im not asking to be spoiled. but let me know im thought of every now or then. an unexpected letter in the mail, a flower or cd for me when i see you, even if its one u just picked out of my own yard. its means so much to know a small effort was made when you thought of me. i hope im not asking too much.
i dont know, i have so many more thoughts in my head, i just dont know haw to put them all down in writing. i know im not making sense as it is. perhaps ill just shut up and not waste anyone else's time.