Bring back the sun
I find myself in a deja-vu situation, the "repeat" button being held down on the playback of my life's events. My days - my nights - my thoughts - my secret hopes - seem exactly the same as they were in twelth grade. I flip through the pages of my spunky - looking blue journal and can almost see myself as I am now. It's like I've immortalized those feelings by putting them to paper. How did I let this happen again? Didn't I grow up at all these past two years? I had to have. I've got to be different; the way I see things, the things I want, and the things I know I need...
I'm certain that I've changed. Because, even though the situation may be similar, the person, the "me" going through them is different. The words might be the same, or at least seem that way, but they aren't.
When I bought my baby blue journal with the cutesy dancing animals all over it from Borders, I immediately turned to the first page and wrote - scratched, rather - in dark black pen "Chase the Horizon." It became my mantra, my personal motto - my reminder to keep looking forward and to never give up on anything.
It's taken me two years to really understand what I meant by that. The blue journal is not full of a young girl who chases horizons. Its pages drip with tears - literal, metaphorical - the words written on every page are nothing but anchors. Weights, that tied me to the past, and kept me from continuing with my life. I said I was trying to "chase the horizon," that I wasn't going to give up, but as I turn each page I realize how much of a lie that really was. I had already given up - given up on getting past that which was dragging me down. Given up on myself - on any hope of being stronger.
That's why it's better this time. The situation might be almost the same, but this time I really AM chasing my horizon. I'm not rooted to the past, but rather enjoying the now, and curious of the future. What's going on now is wonderful, and every day I realize how much I dearly want this movie ending I've always dreamed of. BUT - as much as I love being in the now, I have to think about what lies beyond that horizon. If more of this is over there, I'm in for a pleasant surprise. If it's not, I can only guess as to what bit of excitement is waiting for me, and just thinking about either possibilty has lit a new spark in my eyes.
i like this. I do. I don't want it to end, but if it has to, I know that there's something else out there, and I'm okay with that, too. So, let me write the same words in my new black, flowered journal. Let it mirror my sentiments from high school, and let my life repeat. Let me get my hopes up, and if it's what's in store for me, let them be dashed on the rocks of the harsh reality we all eventually have to face. Then, step back, and let me put everything back together as I continue onward to what's on the other side of that horizon.
I'll be fine. It will ALL be fine. I promise.
I'm certain that I've changed. Because, even though the situation may be similar, the person, the "me" going through them is different. The words might be the same, or at least seem that way, but they aren't.
When I bought my baby blue journal with the cutesy dancing animals all over it from Borders, I immediately turned to the first page and wrote - scratched, rather - in dark black pen "Chase the Horizon." It became my mantra, my personal motto - my reminder to keep looking forward and to never give up on anything.
It's taken me two years to really understand what I meant by that. The blue journal is not full of a young girl who chases horizons. Its pages drip with tears - literal, metaphorical - the words written on every page are nothing but anchors. Weights, that tied me to the past, and kept me from continuing with my life. I said I was trying to "chase the horizon," that I wasn't going to give up, but as I turn each page I realize how much of a lie that really was. I had already given up - given up on getting past that which was dragging me down. Given up on myself - on any hope of being stronger.
That's why it's better this time. The situation might be almost the same, but this time I really AM chasing my horizon. I'm not rooted to the past, but rather enjoying the now, and curious of the future. What's going on now is wonderful, and every day I realize how much I dearly want this movie ending I've always dreamed of. BUT - as much as I love being in the now, I have to think about what lies beyond that horizon. If more of this is over there, I'm in for a pleasant surprise. If it's not, I can only guess as to what bit of excitement is waiting for me, and just thinking about either possibilty has lit a new spark in my eyes.
i like this. I do. I don't want it to end, but if it has to, I know that there's something else out there, and I'm okay with that, too. So, let me write the same words in my new black, flowered journal. Let it mirror my sentiments from high school, and let my life repeat. Let me get my hopes up, and if it's what's in store for me, let them be dashed on the rocks of the harsh reality we all eventually have to face. Then, step back, and let me put everything back together as I continue onward to what's on the other side of that horizon.
I'll be fine. It will ALL be fine. I promise.