wow i'm so lost right now
k...so things have not only been really crazy with work, but I have been so confused about everything lately. I've been working every single day of every single week and when I finally have a day off I have to work at Real Estate One so that the other girl can get a day or two off. So...Thursday will be my first true day off in over 2 weeks. Then, there's all this stuff going on with friends. Steve and I never talk anymore which really makes me sad, but there just isn't much I can do about it. The other people I would love to hang out with are always working at the times i'm off or with their other halfs or busy with other stuff. It's so frustrating to want to go out and do something and be with the people I care about, and not have any way to do it. Then, just when I think I'm fine with all the Derek and Jon stuff, Derek and I start hanging out. It's so weird, b/c I like Jon and I can't wait to date Jon, but it feels so wrong to be with Derek and not "be" with Derek. It's so hard to stay so distant, b/c we were so close, and yet I have this constant thought in my head to stay away too, b/c of last year. It's like I'm stuck in the middle of this argument within myself. The only good things right now include work and sunshine, b/c they are the only things that I don't have to worry about or that will not cause me any trouble. It's so weird too, because I met all these people at school and care about them so much, but I can never see them or talk to them because we are on other sides of the state or in different states and I just want to go see them and give them this huge hug, but I can't. I'm very scared to show my parents my grades, because I know they will hate me for them and make my life hell, and I'm so scared of the future, because I know what I want, but I don't know if I will get it. It's also so weird, because I used to always think about all the good stuff coming up, you know like that cinderella type fairy tale, but for some reason in the past months it has just disappeared and I don't have anything comforting or steady to keep me going strong like I always have. The things I was so certain were going to happen I now question or even reject as a possibility. It just doesn't make sense at all. Then there is my family. My family is going off in the deep end...my sis is still the same or worse, my brother is depressed (AT TWELVE!!!) and my parents are even worrying me lately. I guess I just don't know where to go or what to do right now. It's like I'm stuck at this never ending red light. Anyways, so I'm gonna go relax in the sunshine so that I can feel a little better and hopefully figure some of this stuff out.
~ME~
~ME~