"Do You Know Saturday Night Is The Lonliest Night For Me?"
eh, its not really the tone of the entry, so stop having kittens
I dont know, Its just been a long week and i feel the need to vent, so take it as a compliment, or if you need to, damn myspace for not having anyone I want to talk to logged on. I mean seriously, a man can only take about two of those fucking stupid "repost this or a reindeer will fuck you in your sleep" or "OMG 'insignifigant boyfriend/girlfriend's name here' and I are over" before blowing his brains out. Damn the Kinderwhores on there too, while youre at it, I should not see a picture of a fourteen year old, and then need my damned yearbook to verify that INDEED this girl is THAT slutty at THAT age!
So in other news... This week has sucked... I have been doing shitloads of work, and Im tired and need to do more! and progress reports are thursday (im burning mine), on top of those gems, im checking to see if i can take monday off and do some scouts catchup and try to shake the comeback of this damned whateverthefuck is hitting me... Nicks sounds as bad as two weeks ago, so i got the feeling that if i take monday off for myself, it wont be a personal day verbatum.
I know this is probably gonna come back to bite me in the ass, but seriously, I hate looking the way I do. I swear, I must look like a sophmore or something. I have no chance with women my age, but freshmen girls are flirting with me (happened today - out skating, long story...) Its really starting to annoy me!
Well I went outside tonight a few times, stood out and just looked up at the stars, now go figure, I'm up late night and early morning shitloads more than anyone else, and I hardly look up anymore. I just sat outside and looked up, I know it sounds insignifigant, but it was really brilliant to me. Just drinking a coke, looking up, it was real peaceful, and for once after wednesday, thursday, yesterday and today, I really needed that. I think (Neighbors must think im nuts, walking around outside after 11, in some oldassed mil gear I picked up, just staring up... fuck em, im near em 4 days a month).
Im really pissed off for no reason and just empty feeling, this cant be good, but I'm not about to open up about this stuff around here, Its not worth it.
I want my goddamned room (that was supposed to be done before september 15th - and is now supposed to be done before christmas... basically folks, Ill be lucky if the goddamned thing is finished (and this basement has HEAT) before I leave for college next August) finished! Sitting here, now, on the "Family computer" in the "family room" that my bed just happens to be in is annoying the shit out of me. Call it whatever, but I like having a partition between my damned personal space and the family's. I mean it just doesnt make fucking sense! Shitloads of it! I mean
A) Dad did the family room before Our room (whythefuck?)
B) Theres still no damned heat down here, cause dad wants to shut the heat off once so they can put heat in both rooms for cost and convenience reasons (some time in late May when its least needed i expect - cause its only early december and its only 26 degrees out!)
C) If this is our room, why is the "family computer" down here? I know its supposed to be the "family room" - but right now its me and nick's bedroom for christ's sake! Dad has conveyed the "No me and nick on the computer/printer/cable net hookup in him and Ann's room" policy and its like Hel-fucking-lo? what makes you think we want all of YOU in OUR makeshift room?
D) half of our shit IS STILL AT GRANDMAS IN BOXES! She'll have sold the house and we'll still be carting over boxes when the new tennants are unpacked! Like I said, this is a makeshift room!
E) Im suspecting that the condition of our sleeping arrangements is causing Nick some real damage. He and I left here two weeks ago (keep in mind - an Unfinished room with another unfinished room next door, with no heat - ITS A FUCKING CONSTRUCTION SITE!) hacking up lungs and more green shit than any man should. A week and a half after I turned the corner, and maybe a day or two after poor Nikolai did, Hes hacking just as bad as before, and ive got shit draining down the back of the throat.
F) Im fucking torn as hell. Between Ann's overabundance of generosity, and Dad's shitheadedness I'm torn between laying down the red card as I see it, and keeping my trap shut. Ann is riding Dad to finish our room, and two weeks after "working on finishing up down here so we wouldnt get sick again" was promised, all we got was a damned dust mop, new sheets on our bed, and our old sheets washed - I sit there and its just like wait a minute, we're sleeping in the "communal bedroom" (as ive pretty much come to see it), in a construction site, with no heat, a sump pump in the other room (thats gonna be our nice little amnety when our room is done -waking up to loudassed slurping sounds at night - goodie, cant wait for that) - and our sheets AREN'T being washed every week?
G) Mom and Bill are telling me that I can decide to just up and fuck it all, and just stay back at home; but for some reason, in the midst of all of this absolute assanine I am going through, i dont know why, but I really dont want to give up and fold. I really dont want to stir up shit that can haunt me for life. I guess what I want to say is that I am extremely pissed and abhorred with our set up, (everyone else in this house is sleeping on a finished floor, in finished rooms, that are theirs, that Im pretty sure arent playing hostel for irritants and pathogens, THAT HAVE HEAT IN DECEMBER! and yet Nikolai and I, his sons, the only other people in this house that are by birthright, flesh and blood Lusignans - are sleeping in a really poor excuse for a room) but I dont want to give up on people I am probably stuck with?
H) Mom redid siding, insulation, major structural repairs, a new bathroom, landscaping, and kept it clean and liveable in the house during the 2 MONTHS of repairs/construction done. I mean me and Nikolai got a bumpout on our room roughly the size of half of our due next year here room, and we were out a room for all of a week. SEVEN DAYS PEOPLE! and yet Its taken dad roughly eight months to stud, mud, and hang drywall and insulation in our room. They worked outside at moms, and it took two months to overhaul the goddamned HOUSE and yet Nikolai and I are squatting in an unfinished basement (an INSIDE JOB PEOPLE) and we keep hearing how there is no money or no time or whatever to finish our room here. Mom (for all accounts) Is a frigging accountant! She went out and hired two contractors, count them, two men to come and put a new lease on the structural life of 45 rhodes avenue, and Dad, a freaking CONTRACTOR! cant finish a room, and make another. Mom took out Uber loans for christs sake! I mean really, if dad has to go to the bank and sign a contract for an extra bill a month then do it! I think that my stepbrother can forgo a season of soccer, or my stepsister, a sabbatical at dance so that we can allocate some funds to finish things down here I've gone without frills before, its alright, you can survive.
I) Dad is being lame enough to stick out an iron jaw at both his wife now, and his mother to, in practice, defy both of their pleas to finish the rooms citing financial strains, but lacks the testicular fortitude to tell Ann we gotta drop some kind of disposable expendature so that we can do this!
Well I think I've found the source of that anger and emptiness. I know its not gonna solve anything, but i curse God. I do so because due to "his will" or whatever theocratic idea to express the christian line "thy will be done" can be applied, my grandfather is dead. Mom says that if Papa hadnt gotten sick or died, the better half of the bullshit ive faced the past, wow, going on six years, wouldnt have happened. I could dig having someone to cut through dad's bullshit. I pause here though, because its pretty safe to say that theres been a bit of bashing.
-To those reading going "Here he goes again blaming all the bullshit on his father" no I dont blame ALL of the bullshit on Dad, I blame alot of it though, because often it takes manifestation in situations like this. Also, mom and I have pretty much reconciled alot of our drama weve had in the past, and weve accepted that, and she doesnt pull stuff like this, ever.-
But I digress, I also wish that Papa was still around, cause I know that he would be the mythical second contractor who could help end this dilemma. Alzheimers cut the man down way too early, I admit that freely, and I'll miss the memories I never had; I cant deny, in the same respect that I wish I had someone kicking dad's ass to get this place done, and to get him to shape up. I know this has a total mom-bias tone, but I feel like pretty much I'm biding time in dad's eyes till im at college here, and I cannot hide from that undertone.
*claps hand and straightens up*
So while I sit here, pretty strung out, and annoyed, I think I'm gonna go upstairs, piss, and then come back down and fall asleep, seeing as its, youknow, 4:46 in the morning and I probably should try to go to sleep, seeing as I'm tired, and I've got noone to whisper sweet nothings to, so goodnight people who care (?) . Sleep well, like I figure you all are. Much love.
~CjLx
P.S. I saw a shooting star tonight, and the hopeful romantic that I am, I wished on It.
P.P.S. - For a female singer (not a huge fan of female vocalists, sorry feministas), and a pretty pop and piano heavy sounding artist, I'm digging Sara Bareilles' scene. And (in this rare occasion), it's 75% stylistic, and only 25% physical attraction, because I'll admit, she is a pretty woman.