Chantex week 2, the emotional roller coaster
I decided to take a brain pill to help stop me from slowly killing myself with cigarettes. Thing is, this new drug (chantex) that I've replaced my old drug (nicotine) with, seems to be more detrimental to my sanity than cigarettes ever were for my lungs. Over the passed 2 weeks, my outlook on my career, my money, my relationships (both romantic and plutonic), my lifestyle, even the region I live in -- everything has become wrong, negative, a poor choice. I've gotten myself so down. And I'm in it too deep to see why I shouldn't be, yet I know it's only a drug.
In my head I keep revisiting this 'Guinea Pig Zero' book I bought when I was a teenager. I distinctly remember thinking, 'who would ever willingly take psycho-altering, neuro-disrupting drugs - your brain is so incredibly delicate, a glob of energy and science and emotion.'
Teenage Me would kick Current Me's ass for many things, but I think this is a biggy. I don't get invited to one meeting at work and I think my career is over. I barely scrape up another month's rent, the way I have for 9 years now, but this month seems different for no good reason, and I suddenly feel I should give the Midwest another go. Its a lot easier to be strong and independent when you're younger, and when your baby producing parts aren't ticking the seconds left in their lifetime in your ear.
I've never taken a drug like this, and I'm only giving it 2 more days to rectify itself. I don't like this one bit, but hey, I haven't smoked a cig in 9 days. That's longer than I've ever been able to go doing it on my own. 10 years with, 9 days without. And it only cost my whole personal identity I've worked 28 years on.
In my head I keep revisiting this 'Guinea Pig Zero' book I bought when I was a teenager. I distinctly remember thinking, 'who would ever willingly take psycho-altering, neuro-disrupting drugs - your brain is so incredibly delicate, a glob of energy and science and emotion.'
Teenage Me would kick Current Me's ass for many things, but I think this is a biggy. I don't get invited to one meeting at work and I think my career is over. I barely scrape up another month's rent, the way I have for 9 years now, but this month seems different for no good reason, and I suddenly feel I should give the Midwest another go. Its a lot easier to be strong and independent when you're younger, and when your baby producing parts aren't ticking the seconds left in their lifetime in your ear.
I've never taken a drug like this, and I'm only giving it 2 more days to rectify itself. I don't like this one bit, but hey, I haven't smoked a cig in 9 days. That's longer than I've ever been able to go doing it on my own. 10 years with, 9 days without. And it only cost my whole personal identity I've worked 28 years on.