(no subject)
I went ahead and made every other post on this thing private. There's just a lot of history here, and the possibility of someone I used to know or someone I don't know at all reading through it without me knowing was a little much. It's weird and bizarre and sad to read over posts from someone I used to be, who was being emotionally and sometimes physically abused. No one knew, I didn't even know for a time, and then I denied it over and over - to myself, to others. It's been over a decade since then and I've done a lot of work processing it and accepting it and feeling all the terrible feelings that come with it. It was helpful that some evidence of it exists on this and other areas of the internet, so I wasn't depending on my memory alone.
Despite the fact that every time someone is choked in a movie, I am catapulted to a certain night of terror and despite all my fucked up defenses that are knee-jerk reactions from years of emotional turmoil, I can honestly look at where I've gotten and tell my younger self that you got out, you found what you were looking for, and you accomplished what you set out to do.
There are still struggles but a support system exists and it's stronger and more fulfilling than you ever thought it could be.