Gift of Screws, Chapter Twelve, Part Two
Title: Gift of Screws, Chapter Twelve
Author: Duckie Nicks
Rating: NC-17 for sex
Characters: House, Cuddy, Rachel Cuddy
Author's Note: This piece takes place in the future when Rachel is five; House and Cuddy are in an established relationship. This fic also contains sex. If any of those things bother you, please hit your back button. This chapter is also split into multiple posts because of Livejournal's word limit.
Summary: For a price, House agrees to celebrate Purim with Cuddy and Rachel. But although he's getting all the sex he wants, he's still not sure he'll be able to last the weekend. Established relationship, contains sexual situations.
Previous Chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9 (Part 1), Chapter 9 (Part 2), Chapter 9 (Part 3), Chapter 9 (Part 4), Chapter 10 (Part 1), Chapter 10 (Part 2), Chapter 10 (Part 3), Chapter 11, Chapter 12 (Part 1)
Disclaimer: I don't own it.
She felt her throat constrict as the words left her. She had never said that out loud before - not to Wilson, not even to herself. It had been the truth, of course, something she had known even if it had remained unspoken. But she hadn't ever said it before, and now that she had… she could feel the weight of her honesty press heavily on her heart.
Each beat of her pulse seemed to pound within her as the question (had she really said that?) flooded through her consciousness with as much ease as the blood flowed through her veins. House's non-reaction, his silence, amplifying the contraction of muscle, she could hear every lub and dub her body unconsciously made.
The reason for her reaction was one she didn't understand entirely. She wasn't afraid of him knowing, wasn't afraid that he somehow felt differently; if he hadn't been completely in love with her, he would have run.
A long time ago.
But knowing that didn't make her feel any more sure in that moment. Because what it came down to, she guessed, was the palpable fear she had of feeling that way... towards anyone. She hadn't been lying by any measure: House was the only person right for her, the only person she could ever dream of being with. She knew this to be true with every fiber of her being.
And she supposed if she felt like passing out right now, it had little to do with his reaction and everything to do with her own shock that she could love anyone as completely and recklessly as she did him.
God, she did love him.
Every step of the way, she had tried to resist him, to tell herself that he was wrong for her. But he had somehow managed to weasel his way into her life. And though she was admitting as much to House now, what she would never be able to explain was how in the hell that had happened.
Then again, Cuddy supposed she didn't need to. He looked just as taken aback, just as moved by her admission. The emotions that threatened to make her heart burst were clearly reflected in his eyes, in the way he painfully swallowed.
And between that and his silence, she felt compelled to tell him, "When I came to you... when I broke up with Lucas... it wasn't spur of the moment." A laugh hitched in the back of her throat at the very idea. "I just... couldn't find a reason to say no anymore."
At that, she shrugged a little in discomfort. "I tried," she admitted. "You don't think I considered how screwed up you are? I did. Of course, I did. You think I didn't tell myself that you were bad for me, that you were bad for Rachel?"
He wouldn't answer the question, so she answered it for him. "I did. I wanted a reason to stay with Lucas... to have a relationship that I knew would be easy - for me and my daughter."
She paused before saying quietly, "But I wanted you more, and I knew that... whatever our issues were." She said that word with distinct disdain. "We were worth an attempt. We are."
Cuddy hadn't expected him to speak up then. But for the first time in what seemed like forever, he did. His voice unsure and wavering, he replied, "I… want to believe that. But Rachel -"
"Rachel came to you. She wanted you," she pointed out, stressing the word, you, every time she came across it. "She wants you."
His retort was immediate. "She wants a father."
She couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Rachel spends time with you every day. You've been in her life long enough that she doesn't remember a time where you weren't in her day-to-day life. You think she doesn't have feelings for you?"
"I think she shouldn't," he admitted quietly.
The desire to cringe at his own words was strong. As honest as he was being, House still thought that he sounded pathetic - more so than he had at any point during this night. And considering how pitiful he'd been all evening long, he believed that that was saying something.
Cuddy didn't seem to mind though. If anything, she kept her demeanor relaxed, which House appreciated, because it made him feel like less of a jackass. And when she spoke matter of factly, when she responded seriously, he was only relieved that she was patient enough to deal with his insanity.
"What are you going to do?" she asked simply, a rhetorical question if he'd ever heard one. "Pretend like tonight didn't happen? If you're lucky, denial will get you to around lunchtime before you have to make a choice."
He nodded his head in agreement. Burying his head in the sand was fairly enticing, but it wouldn't get him very far. Not with a five year old whose default position was desperate-for-attention, anyway. "Yeah," he said slowly.
"You gonna fight her? Make her feel bad for caring about you?" Cuddy shook her head vehemently. "If you do that, then you really don't deserve -"
"And what am I supposed to do?" he interrupted fiercely. His lips mangled into a sneer, he asked, "Sign the adoption papers?"
In response she pressed her tongue to the side of her cheek. She knew he was trying to get a rise out of her, but honestly, it was his cluelessness that proved more agitating.
"No," she said with an annoyed sigh. "You…." She paused, knowing her tone wasn't the correct one. Irritation might have been the emotion she was feeling the most right now, but letting that show wasn't going to get her anywhere.
It certainly wasn't going to make him feel any better about this situation. And since that was why she was talking to him to begin with, she knew appearing aggravated would only be counterproductive.
So she calmly explained, "You be yourself. You stay… start to build a relationship with her." There was a beat before she corrected herself, "A better relationship with her."
"You're right," House replied sarcastically. "It's so simple. Why didn't I -"
"It is simple," she stressed in a pained voice. "It's just not easy."
"Memorizing the messages in your fortune cookies again?" He had a mocking frown on his face for a moment before he harshly added, "Tell me something I don't know."
"Fine." She was more than up for that challenge. "You came into this relationship knowing I had a child," Cuddy pointed out. "I get that this is scary for you, but…." She squeezed his knee to offer him some comfort as she said, "You knew Rachel was part of the equation. You knew that, if we didn't break up because of something else, we would be here. And I don't think you would have entered this relationship if you thought you would never be able to bond with her."
She was right. He knew she was; he still had the memories of doing exactly what she'd just said. And if he didn't, there was no denying that measuring risks and gains in personal relationships sounded like him.
In this case though, he didn't even need to consider what she was saying to know she was right. He had thought of those things. He had questioned whether or not he could pass the Rachel test.
At the time though, his answer had been tentative, a maybe. Cuddy hadn't been wrong to say that he had already thought of his Rachel readiness, but what she had failed to see was that he was selfish.
Blindly selfish.
Yes, he'd thought of all the potential issues. And then he'd thought of what life would be like if he didn't pursue a relationship with Cuddy, and he'd forced himself to believe he could handle whatever came his way.
He simply hadn't had the willpower to deny himself her.
But he couldn't admit that out loud.
And whether he felt this way out of embarrassment or fear for her reaction, he didn't know. All he knew was that Cuddy didn't need to know the truth. At least, she didn't need to know that one. Unless she forced it out of him, he would keep that to himself.
What he would share was a different sort of truth, a fear - something he hadn't been able to shake since the second they'd become a couple.
"I don't want to screw this up," he blurted out. The words leaving his mouth in a rush, he resisted the temptation to look away; he didn't want to see her face, didn't want to see her reaction, but casting his gaze anywhere else would simply make him look even more pathetic.
Which meant he was forced to watch Cuddy process his words. Her lips immediately turning down into a frown, her eyes instantly sympathetic, her response came within seconds. "I won't let you."
He wanted to believe her.
More than anything, he wanted to believe they were both capable of making all of this work.
And yet… he couldn't stop himself from questioning whether or not it was actually possible. He wished he could; mentally he berated himself to stop trying to foresee every way this could go wrong.
But his mind would not be - could not be - stopped.
And try as he might not to, House could only picture how they would screw this up.
How he would screw it up.
She seemed so confident about things now, but he knew that that would be temporary. She felt that way at the moment, but that feeling would disappear the second he said something truly awful to Rachel.
And he would do that.
He wouldn't want to, but at some point, he would yell or insult or… do something terrible, because he couldn't help himself. And then what? Cuddy would forgive him? He doubted it.
"Hey." Her voice was quiet, but, in the silence that had settled over them like a thin membrane, it seemed loud, the noise ripping him from his thoughts.
His eyes focusing on her once more, he was surprised to see that she'd moved closer to him. Her hands now grasping his, he felt his own fingers shake in her soft grip. He tried to write the motion off as a result of being cold, but he knew he wasn't shivering.
"You need to trust me," she implored.
"And what if I can't change?" He pulled his hands away from her. "What will you do then?"
Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "'Change'?" she repeated, her mouth contorting uncomfortably to get the word out. "I don't expect you to change." The doubt must have reached his face, because she quickly added, "I mean it."
"Right. The resemblance between Elmo and me is uncanny."
Cuddy didn't back down. "Rachel likes you," she reminded him. "She wouldn't want you to change. She just wants more of you and -"
"Which would be a change," he said, waving his hand as though to say, "Welcome to the rest of my thought process."
And she must have realized that he had a point, because she said vaguely, "If you want to think of it that way…."
"Is there another way?" The manner in which he said it didn't make it sound like a question.
"Redirecting your efforts," she replied smoothly. Scooting closer to him, she didn't stop moving until she was leaning over him once more. "I know that you're kind and loving and… amazing," Cuddy said with a sweet smile on her face. "Because you're that way with me. You just have to give some of that to Rachel."
"And that's it." Doubt laced each word.
Placing a reassuring hand on his chest, she said, "I know it won't be overnight. Who would want it to be? That would be…."
"Weird," he supplied.
"Yes." She nodded her head emphatically. "I'm not going to push you. She's not going to push you. We'll just… ease into it."
What the "it" would end up being, House didn't know. But at this point, he figured that it was best not to think about it.
He wanted to - oh, he wanted to. But he forced himself to resist giving into temptation, rationally understanding that doing so would illuminate absolutely nothing.
Had he suspected that answers existed just beyond his grasp, he would have explored every potential outcome ruthlessly. In this instance, however, he could see from the outset that there were just too many variables to consider.
He wished that wasn't the case. But when he couldn't eliminate any factors in his mental equation, he knew it was. It was simply too soon to deduce anything - what Cuddy hoped would be the end result here, what Rachel wanted, how any of them would react, etc.
Questions and doubts filled his mind, but House knew he was helpless at the moment to satisfy himself. So he supposed the best thing to do was distract himself.
"Fine," he muttered, his hand reaching for Cuddy. His fingers clasped around her wrist, he pulled her forward.
She didn't resist at all. He had figured she would, since enfolding her in his arms involved trapping a bottle of bourbon between their bodies and pushing her head towards the open window. But she didn't complain.
Actually, she smiled (he could feel it against his t-shirt) when he said, "If I'm doing this though, I'm probably going to need to see your boobs a lot more - for moral support and that sort of thing."
"Now?" she asked tiredly, her eyes closed.
Internally his answer to that was an emphatic no. His prowess (and hers as well) might have been impressive for someone half his age, but even he had his limits. Admitting that to her though wasn't high on his list of priorities. Instead, he evaded. "Sometime when you're conscious."
Cuddy made a noise that he guessed was supposed to be a form of okay. But then she asked, "Just my breasts?"
"Is that even a question?"
Her smile widened, but she said nothing. And for a brief moment, the silence that settled over them felt… comfortable, like it would have been if Rachel's bombshell hadn't happened.
But since the runt had had her bad dream, the quiet that existed now quickly turned dark.
House wasn't sure what had made it change, what the catalyst was. All he knew was that one second things were okay, and then they felt awkward and weird the next.
Discomfort settling in all around them once more, he shifted on the window seat. Like that was going to help.
And though he tried to pass the movement off as something physical, Cuddy must have known what was really going on. Because at that moment, she opened her eyes and looked at him sympathetically. The emotion strong in her voice, she told him, "It will be all right."
"Yeah."
But he didn't believe that. He wanted to, but he didn't, not really anyway. And if he'd agreed with her at all, it had little to do with his beliefs and everything to do with one immutable truth:
He was a coward, too selfish and afraid to convince her of a fact she would come to understand in the end anyway.
Go on to the next chapter
Author: Duckie Nicks
Rating: NC-17 for sex
Characters: House, Cuddy, Rachel Cuddy
Author's Note: This piece takes place in the future when Rachel is five; House and Cuddy are in an established relationship. This fic also contains sex. If any of those things bother you, please hit your back button. This chapter is also split into multiple posts because of Livejournal's word limit.
Summary: For a price, House agrees to celebrate Purim with Cuddy and Rachel. But although he's getting all the sex he wants, he's still not sure he'll be able to last the weekend. Established relationship, contains sexual situations.
Previous Chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9 (Part 1), Chapter 9 (Part 2), Chapter 9 (Part 3), Chapter 9 (Part 4), Chapter 10 (Part 1), Chapter 10 (Part 2), Chapter 10 (Part 3), Chapter 11, Chapter 12 (Part 1)
Disclaimer: I don't own it.
She felt her throat constrict as the words left her. She had never said that out loud before - not to Wilson, not even to herself. It had been the truth, of course, something she had known even if it had remained unspoken. But she hadn't ever said it before, and now that she had… she could feel the weight of her honesty press heavily on her heart.
Each beat of her pulse seemed to pound within her as the question (had she really said that?) flooded through her consciousness with as much ease as the blood flowed through her veins. House's non-reaction, his silence, amplifying the contraction of muscle, she could hear every lub and dub her body unconsciously made.
The reason for her reaction was one she didn't understand entirely. She wasn't afraid of him knowing, wasn't afraid that he somehow felt differently; if he hadn't been completely in love with her, he would have run.
A long time ago.
But knowing that didn't make her feel any more sure in that moment. Because what it came down to, she guessed, was the palpable fear she had of feeling that way... towards anyone. She hadn't been lying by any measure: House was the only person right for her, the only person she could ever dream of being with. She knew this to be true with every fiber of her being.
And she supposed if she felt like passing out right now, it had little to do with his reaction and everything to do with her own shock that she could love anyone as completely and recklessly as she did him.
God, she did love him.
Every step of the way, she had tried to resist him, to tell herself that he was wrong for her. But he had somehow managed to weasel his way into her life. And though she was admitting as much to House now, what she would never be able to explain was how in the hell that had happened.
Then again, Cuddy supposed she didn't need to. He looked just as taken aback, just as moved by her admission. The emotions that threatened to make her heart burst were clearly reflected in his eyes, in the way he painfully swallowed.
And between that and his silence, she felt compelled to tell him, "When I came to you... when I broke up with Lucas... it wasn't spur of the moment." A laugh hitched in the back of her throat at the very idea. "I just... couldn't find a reason to say no anymore."
At that, she shrugged a little in discomfort. "I tried," she admitted. "You don't think I considered how screwed up you are? I did. Of course, I did. You think I didn't tell myself that you were bad for me, that you were bad for Rachel?"
He wouldn't answer the question, so she answered it for him. "I did. I wanted a reason to stay with Lucas... to have a relationship that I knew would be easy - for me and my daughter."
She paused before saying quietly, "But I wanted you more, and I knew that... whatever our issues were." She said that word with distinct disdain. "We were worth an attempt. We are."
Cuddy hadn't expected him to speak up then. But for the first time in what seemed like forever, he did. His voice unsure and wavering, he replied, "I… want to believe that. But Rachel -"
"Rachel came to you. She wanted you," she pointed out, stressing the word, you, every time she came across it. "She wants you."
His retort was immediate. "She wants a father."
She couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Rachel spends time with you every day. You've been in her life long enough that she doesn't remember a time where you weren't in her day-to-day life. You think she doesn't have feelings for you?"
"I think she shouldn't," he admitted quietly.
The desire to cringe at his own words was strong. As honest as he was being, House still thought that he sounded pathetic - more so than he had at any point during this night. And considering how pitiful he'd been all evening long, he believed that that was saying something.
Cuddy didn't seem to mind though. If anything, she kept her demeanor relaxed, which House appreciated, because it made him feel like less of a jackass. And when she spoke matter of factly, when she responded seriously, he was only relieved that she was patient enough to deal with his insanity.
"What are you going to do?" she asked simply, a rhetorical question if he'd ever heard one. "Pretend like tonight didn't happen? If you're lucky, denial will get you to around lunchtime before you have to make a choice."
He nodded his head in agreement. Burying his head in the sand was fairly enticing, but it wouldn't get him very far. Not with a five year old whose default position was desperate-for-attention, anyway. "Yeah," he said slowly.
"You gonna fight her? Make her feel bad for caring about you?" Cuddy shook her head vehemently. "If you do that, then you really don't deserve -"
"And what am I supposed to do?" he interrupted fiercely. His lips mangled into a sneer, he asked, "Sign the adoption papers?"
In response she pressed her tongue to the side of her cheek. She knew he was trying to get a rise out of her, but honestly, it was his cluelessness that proved more agitating.
"No," she said with an annoyed sigh. "You…." She paused, knowing her tone wasn't the correct one. Irritation might have been the emotion she was feeling the most right now, but letting that show wasn't going to get her anywhere.
It certainly wasn't going to make him feel any better about this situation. And since that was why she was talking to him to begin with, she knew appearing aggravated would only be counterproductive.
So she calmly explained, "You be yourself. You stay… start to build a relationship with her." There was a beat before she corrected herself, "A better relationship with her."
"You're right," House replied sarcastically. "It's so simple. Why didn't I -"
"It is simple," she stressed in a pained voice. "It's just not easy."
"Memorizing the messages in your fortune cookies again?" He had a mocking frown on his face for a moment before he harshly added, "Tell me something I don't know."
"Fine." She was more than up for that challenge. "You came into this relationship knowing I had a child," Cuddy pointed out. "I get that this is scary for you, but…." She squeezed his knee to offer him some comfort as she said, "You knew Rachel was part of the equation. You knew that, if we didn't break up because of something else, we would be here. And I don't think you would have entered this relationship if you thought you would never be able to bond with her."
She was right. He knew she was; he still had the memories of doing exactly what she'd just said. And if he didn't, there was no denying that measuring risks and gains in personal relationships sounded like him.
In this case though, he didn't even need to consider what she was saying to know she was right. He had thought of those things. He had questioned whether or not he could pass the Rachel test.
At the time though, his answer had been tentative, a maybe. Cuddy hadn't been wrong to say that he had already thought of his Rachel readiness, but what she had failed to see was that he was selfish.
Blindly selfish.
Yes, he'd thought of all the potential issues. And then he'd thought of what life would be like if he didn't pursue a relationship with Cuddy, and he'd forced himself to believe he could handle whatever came his way.
He simply hadn't had the willpower to deny himself her.
But he couldn't admit that out loud.
And whether he felt this way out of embarrassment or fear for her reaction, he didn't know. All he knew was that Cuddy didn't need to know the truth. At least, she didn't need to know that one. Unless she forced it out of him, he would keep that to himself.
What he would share was a different sort of truth, a fear - something he hadn't been able to shake since the second they'd become a couple.
"I don't want to screw this up," he blurted out. The words leaving his mouth in a rush, he resisted the temptation to look away; he didn't want to see her face, didn't want to see her reaction, but casting his gaze anywhere else would simply make him look even more pathetic.
Which meant he was forced to watch Cuddy process his words. Her lips immediately turning down into a frown, her eyes instantly sympathetic, her response came within seconds. "I won't let you."
He wanted to believe her.
More than anything, he wanted to believe they were both capable of making all of this work.
And yet… he couldn't stop himself from questioning whether or not it was actually possible. He wished he could; mentally he berated himself to stop trying to foresee every way this could go wrong.
But his mind would not be - could not be - stopped.
And try as he might not to, House could only picture how they would screw this up.
How he would screw it up.
She seemed so confident about things now, but he knew that that would be temporary. She felt that way at the moment, but that feeling would disappear the second he said something truly awful to Rachel.
And he would do that.
He wouldn't want to, but at some point, he would yell or insult or… do something terrible, because he couldn't help himself. And then what? Cuddy would forgive him? He doubted it.
"Hey." Her voice was quiet, but, in the silence that had settled over them like a thin membrane, it seemed loud, the noise ripping him from his thoughts.
His eyes focusing on her once more, he was surprised to see that she'd moved closer to him. Her hands now grasping his, he felt his own fingers shake in her soft grip. He tried to write the motion off as a result of being cold, but he knew he wasn't shivering.
"You need to trust me," she implored.
"And what if I can't change?" He pulled his hands away from her. "What will you do then?"
Her eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "'Change'?" she repeated, her mouth contorting uncomfortably to get the word out. "I don't expect you to change." The doubt must have reached his face, because she quickly added, "I mean it."
"Right. The resemblance between Elmo and me is uncanny."
Cuddy didn't back down. "Rachel likes you," she reminded him. "She wouldn't want you to change. She just wants more of you and -"
"Which would be a change," he said, waving his hand as though to say, "Welcome to the rest of my thought process."
And she must have realized that he had a point, because she said vaguely, "If you want to think of it that way…."
"Is there another way?" The manner in which he said it didn't make it sound like a question.
"Redirecting your efforts," she replied smoothly. Scooting closer to him, she didn't stop moving until she was leaning over him once more. "I know that you're kind and loving and… amazing," Cuddy said with a sweet smile on her face. "Because you're that way with me. You just have to give some of that to Rachel."
"And that's it." Doubt laced each word.
Placing a reassuring hand on his chest, she said, "I know it won't be overnight. Who would want it to be? That would be…."
"Weird," he supplied.
"Yes." She nodded her head emphatically. "I'm not going to push you. She's not going to push you. We'll just… ease into it."
What the "it" would end up being, House didn't know. But at this point, he figured that it was best not to think about it.
He wanted to - oh, he wanted to. But he forced himself to resist giving into temptation, rationally understanding that doing so would illuminate absolutely nothing.
Had he suspected that answers existed just beyond his grasp, he would have explored every potential outcome ruthlessly. In this instance, however, he could see from the outset that there were just too many variables to consider.
He wished that wasn't the case. But when he couldn't eliminate any factors in his mental equation, he knew it was. It was simply too soon to deduce anything - what Cuddy hoped would be the end result here, what Rachel wanted, how any of them would react, etc.
Questions and doubts filled his mind, but House knew he was helpless at the moment to satisfy himself. So he supposed the best thing to do was distract himself.
"Fine," he muttered, his hand reaching for Cuddy. His fingers clasped around her wrist, he pulled her forward.
She didn't resist at all. He had figured she would, since enfolding her in his arms involved trapping a bottle of bourbon between their bodies and pushing her head towards the open window. But she didn't complain.
Actually, she smiled (he could feel it against his t-shirt) when he said, "If I'm doing this though, I'm probably going to need to see your boobs a lot more - for moral support and that sort of thing."
"Now?" she asked tiredly, her eyes closed.
Internally his answer to that was an emphatic no. His prowess (and hers as well) might have been impressive for someone half his age, but even he had his limits. Admitting that to her though wasn't high on his list of priorities. Instead, he evaded. "Sometime when you're conscious."
Cuddy made a noise that he guessed was supposed to be a form of okay. But then she asked, "Just my breasts?"
"Is that even a question?"
Her smile widened, but she said nothing. And for a brief moment, the silence that settled over them felt… comfortable, like it would have been if Rachel's bombshell hadn't happened.
But since the runt had had her bad dream, the quiet that existed now quickly turned dark.
House wasn't sure what had made it change, what the catalyst was. All he knew was that one second things were okay, and then they felt awkward and weird the next.
Discomfort settling in all around them once more, he shifted on the window seat. Like that was going to help.
And though he tried to pass the movement off as something physical, Cuddy must have known what was really going on. Because at that moment, she opened her eyes and looked at him sympathetically. The emotion strong in her voice, she told him, "It will be all right."
"Yeah."
But he didn't believe that. He wanted to, but he didn't, not really anyway. And if he'd agreed with her at all, it had little to do with his beliefs and everything to do with one immutable truth:
He was a coward, too selfish and afraid to convince her of a fact she would come to understand in the end anyway.
Go on to the next chapter