The truth about him and I-the ex-boyfriend continues to haunt me
I subscribed to get emails about healing from emotional abuse. It's always good to hear truth nowadays.
"1. Beware the Pedestal
Almost invariably, abused women revisit the early days of their relationship with regret. Their partner put them on a pedestal.
Boy it felt good to be on that pedestal!
If you have rarely felt special in months, years, or worse, your whole life, how seductive is a pedestal?
Finally, there is someone who is acting out your wildest dreams for you. From a standing start, he quickly says the kind of things you had always hoped to hear (but wondered if you ever would). He is the ardent suitor who won't take "no" for an answer. He tells you that none of the women he knew can compare with you.
Are you gratified? You bet, you are.
And yet, even then the warning signs are there. He falls in love so hard and so fast. His persistence is a touch obsessive. His references to the women in his past are, by implication, less than charitable.
But it's ok, isn't it? Because he understands that you are different and special.
Your relationship is different (and special). Which is why it's ok to throw yourself into it at breakneck speed. Not so?
Actually, it's far from ok to throw yourself into a relationship at breakneck speed. It's pure car crash. But let's face it, when someone is promising you the relationship of your dreams - or at least that's what you tell yourself - why delay gratification?
When you are really hungry and someone puts a delectable dish of food in front of you, you don't sit and observe it cautiously for hours on end, you just pitch in. Is it too much of a stretch to say that you felt as if you were starving for an adoring lover?
It's not every day you get to be someone's dream woman, gazing down on more prosaic couples from the height of the pedestal on which he has placed you.
Dream on!
Most of us tend to be seduced by the pedestal fantasy. Why wouldn't we be? As I write this, I'm listening to some romantic pop lyrics: "It feels like nobody ever loved me 'til you loved me." Seductive, aren't they? Lyrics like this soothe the ear and addle the brain. They should probably come with a government health warning.
The truth about pedestals is, generally, far less glorious than the fantasy. A pedestal is a piece of furniture that is used to display something - or someone - to best advantage. There is, habitually, one pedestal per relationship. An abusive man carts his around with him as a vital part of his seduction kit. That way he's ready when he meets a woman whom he thinks might be appropriate to park on it for a while.
The only thing is that he tends to be rather 'economical with the truth'. Does he tell 'his woman' that she might as well enjoy the view from the pedestal while she is up there, because she won't be for long?
Hardly.
He lulls her into a false sense of security - not hard because she is so invested in believing the fantasy.
Once she's well and truly hooked on the pedestal, of course, he starts to knock her off it. It was his pedestal, don't' forget. He was the one who did the hard work of carting it around.
Heaven knows abusive men are not altruistic. Whatever they do they always do with a view to their own gain.
Abusive men subject their partners to 'pedestal training'. This is essentially a three part process.
In other words, in the long term, someone is going to be elevated on that pedestal, and in an abusive relationship it is always going to be the abusive partner. Whether or not the abusive party was acting consciously or not from the start, doesn't much matter. The important thing is that it was always the agenda.
The rougher your life has been, the more easily you can be seduced by the pedestal.
There is a valid alternative to the pedestal, and that's the slow burn. That is when a partner takes the time and trouble to love you for you, complete with all your vulnerabilities and foibles. Time and trouble are the key. He doesn't compare you, however favourably, to the Other Women in his life. That is just a way of saying that his feeling for you is better than a burnt stick in the eye. In the short term anyway.
Beware the pedestal. One way or another you can expect to end up beneath it, crushed by the combined weight of it and its true owner.
2. "Do I Really Have To End This Relationship?"
What's the thing that abused women most hate doing?
Ironically, the thing that abused women most hate doing is finally walking away from a bad relationship.
Logic suggests that it should be a 'no brainer' to walk away from someone who has made you profoundly miserable on any number of occasions.
Yet those of us who have been there know all too well how absurdly difficult it feels.
The viler the man's behaviours, the more you obsess about his 'potential'.
With almost religious zeal you've archived every loving word, every caring gesture, possibly against these moments of relationship 'melt down'.
Of course, it could be that there were so few of those loving moments overall, that each stands out clearly in your memory for its rarity value. Call me an old cynic if you will, but the women who speak in glowing terms of their partner's loving, romantic ways have always been remarkably ill treated most of the time.
But most of the time counts curiously little, doesn't it? Abused women - and I've been as guilty as anyone else - operate a bizarre, sliding scale of values.
It works something like this: when push comes to shove and you are confronted with the likelihood of your 'relationship' finally ending, you start doing some very strange maths. Every kind word or thoughtful gesture is worth, say, 1,000 SUDs (Subjective Units of Distress - an EFT term, but one that fits neatly here). Every cruel word or behaviour is worth, maybe, 1 SUD.
Also, the good stuff has a very, very long shelf-life - it can be 20 years old, but it is still good. Age has not dimmed it etc. etc. The bad stuff, on the other hand, is incredibly perishable. It may only take a few days before you start to minimize horrendous, inexcusable behaviours.
You do that, as I have written many times before, because you have been brainwashed into believing that life without Mr Wonderful (Monster Wonderful?)
has to be worse than life with him.
Boy, is that man invested in making sure you never find out the truth!
Hence the tail between the legs, and the quick crawl back on his underbelly when things look really serious.
He needs to know that you are his chattel. As long as you are alive and still have some blood for him to suck, you still have some use value for him.
To some degree he needs you, but he has long since stopped liking you. That's a hard one to take on board. It certainly shouldn't be, but it is.
(Truth to tell, at a deep level you don't much like him either, and you struggle with that one also.)
But here's the thing, by now you have (nearly) broken up with him and got back together any number of times. You know the score. Briefly, he will 'morph' into his most charming incarnation.
And then it will be 'business as usual'.
But with a twist.
Here's the twist: it won't be long before he raises his game, ups the ante, improves on his own personal best. Call it what you will, at some level that man wants outand he will create as much mayhem in your life and the lives of your family and friends to ensure he gets out.
That's the piece abused women forget.
An abusive man will keep raising the bar for how much he damages you and the people around you each and every time the 'relationship' breaks up.
How much more pain can you take?
And how much more can you let your abuser visit on the people around you?
Because that's what it comes down to.
Ultimately, there is only one way to stop the damage, and that is to step out of the game.
By staying in it you give him permission, from his perspective, to create ever more pain.
So when do you get out?
The choice is yours.
You can 'bite the bullet, or you can wait until you know you have reached the point where any more pain will shatter your psyche into a million tiny pieces. Either way, the end result will be the same.
Unless, of course, you are dealing with a violent man who may well kill you.
However many times you ask the question: "Do I really have to end this relationship?" the answer won't change. The simple fact of asking the question means you already know the answer."
"1. Beware the Pedestal
Almost invariably, abused women revisit the early days of their relationship with regret. Their partner put them on a pedestal.
Boy it felt good to be on that pedestal!
If you have rarely felt special in months, years, or worse, your whole life, how seductive is a pedestal?
Finally, there is someone who is acting out your wildest dreams for you. From a standing start, he quickly says the kind of things you had always hoped to hear (but wondered if you ever would). He is the ardent suitor who won't take "no" for an answer. He tells you that none of the women he knew can compare with you.
Are you gratified? You bet, you are.
And yet, even then the warning signs are there. He falls in love so hard and so fast. His persistence is a touch obsessive. His references to the women in his past are, by implication, less than charitable.
But it's ok, isn't it? Because he understands that you are different and special.
Your relationship is different (and special). Which is why it's ok to throw yourself into it at breakneck speed. Not so?
Actually, it's far from ok to throw yourself into a relationship at breakneck speed. It's pure car crash. But let's face it, when someone is promising you the relationship of your dreams - or at least that's what you tell yourself - why delay gratification?
When you are really hungry and someone puts a delectable dish of food in front of you, you don't sit and observe it cautiously for hours on end, you just pitch in. Is it too much of a stretch to say that you felt as if you were starving for an adoring lover?
It's not every day you get to be someone's dream woman, gazing down on more prosaic couples from the height of the pedestal on which he has placed you.
Dream on!
Most of us tend to be seduced by the pedestal fantasy. Why wouldn't we be? As I write this, I'm listening to some romantic pop lyrics: "It feels like nobody ever loved me 'til you loved me." Seductive, aren't they? Lyrics like this soothe the ear and addle the brain. They should probably come with a government health warning.
The truth about pedestals is, generally, far less glorious than the fantasy. A pedestal is a piece of furniture that is used to display something - or someone - to best advantage. There is, habitually, one pedestal per relationship. An abusive man carts his around with him as a vital part of his seduction kit. That way he's ready when he meets a woman whom he thinks might be appropriate to park on it for a while.
The only thing is that he tends to be rather 'economical with the truth'. Does he tell 'his woman' that she might as well enjoy the view from the pedestal while she is up there, because she won't be for long?
Hardly.
He lulls her into a false sense of security - not hard because she is so invested in believing the fantasy.
Once she's well and truly hooked on the pedestal, of course, he starts to knock her off it. It was his pedestal, don't' forget. He was the one who did the hard work of carting it around.
Heaven knows abusive men are not altruistic. Whatever they do they always do with a view to their own gain.
Abusive men subject their partners to 'pedestal training'. This is essentially a three part process.
Accustom the woman to enjoy being put on a pedestal.
Habituate the woman to the idea of the pedestal being an integral part of the relationship.
Reclaim ownership of the pedestal and make it clear to the woman that her lot is to stand on the ground, looking up in deference at the rightful owner.
In other words, in the long term, someone is going to be elevated on that pedestal, and in an abusive relationship it is always going to be the abusive partner. Whether or not the abusive party was acting consciously or not from the start, doesn't much matter. The important thing is that it was always the agenda.
The rougher your life has been, the more easily you can be seduced by the pedestal.
There is a valid alternative to the pedestal, and that's the slow burn. That is when a partner takes the time and trouble to love you for you, complete with all your vulnerabilities and foibles. Time and trouble are the key. He doesn't compare you, however favourably, to the Other Women in his life. That is just a way of saying that his feeling for you is better than a burnt stick in the eye. In the short term anyway.
Beware the pedestal. One way or another you can expect to end up beneath it, crushed by the combined weight of it and its true owner.
2. "Do I Really Have To End This Relationship?"
What's the thing that abused women most hate doing?
Ironically, the thing that abused women most hate doing is finally walking away from a bad relationship.
Logic suggests that it should be a 'no brainer' to walk away from someone who has made you profoundly miserable on any number of occasions.
Yet those of us who have been there know all too well how absurdly difficult it feels.
The viler the man's behaviours, the more you obsess about his 'potential'.
With almost religious zeal you've archived every loving word, every caring gesture, possibly against these moments of relationship 'melt down'.
Of course, it could be that there were so few of those loving moments overall, that each stands out clearly in your memory for its rarity value. Call me an old cynic if you will, but the women who speak in glowing terms of their partner's loving, romantic ways have always been remarkably ill treated most of the time.
But most of the time counts curiously little, doesn't it? Abused women - and I've been as guilty as anyone else - operate a bizarre, sliding scale of values.
It works something like this: when push comes to shove and you are confronted with the likelihood of your 'relationship' finally ending, you start doing some very strange maths. Every kind word or thoughtful gesture is worth, say, 1,000 SUDs (Subjective Units of Distress - an EFT term, but one that fits neatly here). Every cruel word or behaviour is worth, maybe, 1 SUD.
Also, the good stuff has a very, very long shelf-life - it can be 20 years old, but it is still good. Age has not dimmed it etc. etc. The bad stuff, on the other hand, is incredibly perishable. It may only take a few days before you start to minimize horrendous, inexcusable behaviours.
You do that, as I have written many times before, because you have been brainwashed into believing that life without Mr Wonderful (Monster Wonderful?)
has to be worse than life with him.
Boy, is that man invested in making sure you never find out the truth!
Hence the tail between the legs, and the quick crawl back on his underbelly when things look really serious.
He needs to know that you are his chattel. As long as you are alive and still have some blood for him to suck, you still have some use value for him.
To some degree he needs you, but he has long since stopped liking you. That's a hard one to take on board. It certainly shouldn't be, but it is.
(Truth to tell, at a deep level you don't much like him either, and you struggle with that one also.)
But here's the thing, by now you have (nearly) broken up with him and got back together any number of times. You know the score. Briefly, he will 'morph' into his most charming incarnation.
And then it will be 'business as usual'.
But with a twist.
Here's the twist: it won't be long before he raises his game, ups the ante, improves on his own personal best. Call it what you will, at some level that man wants outand he will create as much mayhem in your life and the lives of your family and friends to ensure he gets out.
That's the piece abused women forget.
An abusive man will keep raising the bar for how much he damages you and the people around you each and every time the 'relationship' breaks up.
How much more pain can you take?
And how much more can you let your abuser visit on the people around you?
Because that's what it comes down to.
Ultimately, there is only one way to stop the damage, and that is to step out of the game.
By staying in it you give him permission, from his perspective, to create ever more pain.
So when do you get out?
The choice is yours.
You can 'bite the bullet, or you can wait until you know you have reached the point where any more pain will shatter your psyche into a million tiny pieces. Either way, the end result will be the same.
Unless, of course, you are dealing with a violent man who may well kill you.
However many times you ask the question: "Do I really have to end this relationship?" the answer won't change. The simple fact of asking the question means you already know the answer."