(no subject)
My God. I tried being perfect for God, but then I decided to be perfect for Jay...and this degraded me and God. Now, we find there is still something left, but a lot of nothingness echoes inside of Jay. Me, I'm still perfecting being the one for God. It's a lot harder to be good for God than it is to fulfill the perfect girlfriend checklist. Cute, that's me. Understanding and compassionate? Check. Self-sacrificing? Check. Check. Cooks? Check. Looks the other way when he hurts me, well I guess that was my option.
It's almost Christmas. My parents' marriage is falling apart. They just had their 23rd anniversary. It hurts for me and Tracy to look on. I feel Tracy's hurt worse than I feel my own, sometimes. The poor 14 year old kid. I think this will mean a psychiatrist in the future. I am so protective of her. She cried this morning when my mom had an episode, a psychotic one where she threatened to kill my dad for taking her for granted for abusing her and leaving her...but that's really in her head. For 8 years, she's accused my dad of cheating on her. My dad said she should get a private detective. But she's hasn't.
The funny thing is, sometimes I can feel the prophecy of me becoming my mother. It terrifies me. I left Jay, thinking he might be cheating on me. Who wouldn't, after hearing the sounds on the phone that I did (the kisses, the one moan, the heavy heavy breathing) and the other bits and pieces of evidence I had? But what if I am just as paranoid and crazy as my mom, as the one who raised me? What if I will become her, in a failing marriage, crazed and half-psychotic with my own suspicions, destroying myself from the inside and the family with my terrified cawings?? I will be that...and that is one of my futures. I tell Jay bout it, and he says it's uncanny how the similarities in our relationship and my parent's marriage are. It's funny. It's like that could be us if we had stayed together, in 23 years. Ugh.
It's a horrible existence to have to survive like that. With no way to help yourself out. I hate that thought, am terrified of that future in fact. Would do anything, and am not excluding the possibility of staying single and not married for the rest of my existence, if possible, to avoid that trap door that I have found myself walking into. The one of double edged blades and killer maniacal desires to kill the one you love, of impossible to placate paranoia and high suspicions of trouble everywhere. The jealousy sucks. I can kill him, if I can get to that point, where I am insane enough. I have my mother's same neuroticism. And I know that trapdoor awaits for me. I can get out, but only if I can give myself other alternatives.
On the other hand, there is a problem. I had a dream about having a daughter with Jay--he had the same on that night, but he had different activities with the daughter. I just remember how adorable she was, with her jet black hair that I brushed slightly off her babyish little forehead. I held her in that dream, as I sat on a chair, and Jay leaned on the table next to us. I loved her. This dream makes me feel a warm, maternal feeling--one that shocks me and opens me to the possibility of having a daughter like her. I want her someday... and that's one thing that keeps me feeling connected to Jay, even when I see others' daughters, and the other little cute girls running around. It's like a visual shock on me.
Another day. Let me see if I can keep composed, calm and the rents from killing me or each other. Keep praying for the world and for me for Christmas Day.
It's almost Christmas. My parents' marriage is falling apart. They just had their 23rd anniversary. It hurts for me and Tracy to look on. I feel Tracy's hurt worse than I feel my own, sometimes. The poor 14 year old kid. I think this will mean a psychiatrist in the future. I am so protective of her. She cried this morning when my mom had an episode, a psychotic one where she threatened to kill my dad for taking her for granted for abusing her and leaving her...but that's really in her head. For 8 years, she's accused my dad of cheating on her. My dad said she should get a private detective. But she's hasn't.
The funny thing is, sometimes I can feel the prophecy of me becoming my mother. It terrifies me. I left Jay, thinking he might be cheating on me. Who wouldn't, after hearing the sounds on the phone that I did (the kisses, the one moan, the heavy heavy breathing) and the other bits and pieces of evidence I had? But what if I am just as paranoid and crazy as my mom, as the one who raised me? What if I will become her, in a failing marriage, crazed and half-psychotic with my own suspicions, destroying myself from the inside and the family with my terrified cawings?? I will be that...and that is one of my futures. I tell Jay bout it, and he says it's uncanny how the similarities in our relationship and my parent's marriage are. It's funny. It's like that could be us if we had stayed together, in 23 years. Ugh.
It's a horrible existence to have to survive like that. With no way to help yourself out. I hate that thought, am terrified of that future in fact. Would do anything, and am not excluding the possibility of staying single and not married for the rest of my existence, if possible, to avoid that trap door that I have found myself walking into. The one of double edged blades and killer maniacal desires to kill the one you love, of impossible to placate paranoia and high suspicions of trouble everywhere. The jealousy sucks. I can kill him, if I can get to that point, where I am insane enough. I have my mother's same neuroticism. And I know that trapdoor awaits for me. I can get out, but only if I can give myself other alternatives.
On the other hand, there is a problem. I had a dream about having a daughter with Jay--he had the same on that night, but he had different activities with the daughter. I just remember how adorable she was, with her jet black hair that I brushed slightly off her babyish little forehead. I held her in that dream, as I sat on a chair, and Jay leaned on the table next to us. I loved her. This dream makes me feel a warm, maternal feeling--one that shocks me and opens me to the possibility of having a daughter like her. I want her someday... and that's one thing that keeps me feeling connected to Jay, even when I see others' daughters, and the other little cute girls running around. It's like a visual shock on me.
Another day. Let me see if I can keep composed, calm and the rents from killing me or each other. Keep praying for the world and for me for Christmas Day.