Needs
I cried this morning while getting ready for work and nearly cried last night while I was chatting with Kev on MSN. Just remarkably unhappy. I’m not sure I should go to London to see him in a few weeks, as planned. Our friendship is possibly not healthy, but it’s hard for me to imagine giving it up: he’s a nice guy, he listens to me, he makes me laugh, but I still have a crush on him and nothing will ever come of that.
Plus, he brought up yesterday for at least the third time since I’ve known him that he thinks I should be more outgoing. Which feels a lot like having someone who is nearly perfect telling me why I'm not. It does not feel good.
Also, he has offered to find me a decent man to date, which is sweet, but hurts a bit, because I want him. Of course, he’s not available. So talking to him yesterday was not unlike being punched in the stomach repeatedly. Or having something I want dangled in front of me while I am chastised and told that I cannot have that thing I want and why I am undeserving of it.
I have a feeling I will not see Zak again. For some reason, I started thinking about this Lithuanian guy I had a single date with back in the summer of 2008 and how I texted with said Lithuanian guy multiple times after that date. And every time, the conversation was initiated by me. Every time, he texted back several responses and was witty and charming and friendly. But after about the third time of texting him, I finally understood that I would not be seeing him again and that he was just not that into me. It isn’t quite the same with Zak because he initiated text messages after dates 1 and 2. But he hasn't initiated any contact since date 3. It seems evident that if I do not write to him again, he will not make any effort to contact me. If I write to him, he’ll respond because he is polite. I may even get a 4th date out of it, but that doesn’t mean he’s into me-just polite.
And so, as I think I’ve stated before, I’ve made it clear to him that I am interested and texted him after date 3. The ball is in his court.
I talked to Caroline about some of these things-specifically my crush on Kev and my desire to have a boyfriend. She implied that I shouldn’t date but it sounded different than the advice I’ve received on here-not that I should take some Kate time but that I should just be happy to be single and hang out with friends. As though I shouldn’t bother with it anymore. It pissed me off, actually, coming from someone with a live-in boyfriend. I want to feel loved.
Then again, last night, after talking to Kev and then talking to my high school friend Lacey who seems to have just been dumped rather cruelly by her boyfriend of one year, maybe it isn’t worth it. I don’t ever want to feel again like she’s feeling right now nor do I want to feel like Kev is making me feel. I wish I weren’t so needy.
Plus, he brought up yesterday for at least the third time since I’ve known him that he thinks I should be more outgoing. Which feels a lot like having someone who is nearly perfect telling me why I'm not. It does not feel good.
Also, he has offered to find me a decent man to date, which is sweet, but hurts a bit, because I want him. Of course, he’s not available. So talking to him yesterday was not unlike being punched in the stomach repeatedly. Or having something I want dangled in front of me while I am chastised and told that I cannot have that thing I want and why I am undeserving of it.
I have a feeling I will not see Zak again. For some reason, I started thinking about this Lithuanian guy I had a single date with back in the summer of 2008 and how I texted with said Lithuanian guy multiple times after that date. And every time, the conversation was initiated by me. Every time, he texted back several responses and was witty and charming and friendly. But after about the third time of texting him, I finally understood that I would not be seeing him again and that he was just not that into me. It isn’t quite the same with Zak because he initiated text messages after dates 1 and 2. But he hasn't initiated any contact since date 3. It seems evident that if I do not write to him again, he will not make any effort to contact me. If I write to him, he’ll respond because he is polite. I may even get a 4th date out of it, but that doesn’t mean he’s into me-just polite.
And so, as I think I’ve stated before, I’ve made it clear to him that I am interested and texted him after date 3. The ball is in his court.
I talked to Caroline about some of these things-specifically my crush on Kev and my desire to have a boyfriend. She implied that I shouldn’t date but it sounded different than the advice I’ve received on here-not that I should take some Kate time but that I should just be happy to be single and hang out with friends. As though I shouldn’t bother with it anymore. It pissed me off, actually, coming from someone with a live-in boyfriend. I want to feel loved.
Then again, last night, after talking to Kev and then talking to my high school friend Lacey who seems to have just been dumped rather cruelly by her boyfriend of one year, maybe it isn’t worth it. I don’t ever want to feel again like she’s feeling right now nor do I want to feel like Kev is making me feel. I wish I weren’t so needy.