Waiting to feel human
It hasn’t all been bad in the past few days, but mostly it has sucked.
I had crepes with Jan and Sophia yesterday evening after spending most of the day shopping. When I got home, I listened to music and did some ironing and started bawling when Amy Winehouse’s version of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” came on. The part of me that thought that David was serious when he said we could meet again before he left expected him to want to see me last night.
My Facebook newsfeed shows me that he chose to attend a pickled cheese competition instead.
He should be flying to Brussels today or tomorrow, and I wrote him this:
Hey, David.
You're probably jetting off today or tomorrow, so good luck in Belgium. I hope that everything works out there and with Dubai. I hope our paths cross again before too long. :)
All the best,
Kate
xoxo
He’ll respond with something polite, like, “Yes, I am leaving tomorrow. Sorry it didn’t work out for us to see each other again before I left, but I had so much to do in a short time. Keep in touch! D.” And that’ll be it.
I have not contacted Chris in any way since that chat (posted a couple of entries back) from Thursday. He has not contacted me. One of his friends posted on my Facebook that he was sorry that Chris decided to return to being a “noob” and that we should hang out again when I’m next in Vienna. I’m not sure that I’ll ever return to Vienna, though.
I am filled with so much anger for allowing myself to be treated so poorly by both of them. It occurred to me that I’ve never really dumped someone before, no matter how bad things got. With two exceptions-one being Leon, but that was more mutual and worked out over a long period of time. The other one was Fouad. He cheated and used me financially and even that took me months to pull the plug on.
I need to raise the bar. You don’t want a monogamous relationship? You make incredibly racist remarks? You think women are beneath men and aren’t as intelligent or creative? You’re not looking for something long term? You tell me to turn off my music but I’m not allowed to say anything when you play your screaming death metal? You tell me that I need to lose weight in order to date you? You tell me to behave or to just be happy but you won’t even listen to me when I try to talk through my problems because you’re “not [my] therapist?” You don’t want to introduce me to your friends or invite me to your parties? Then you aren’t good enough for me.
Hard to implement, of course, but at least I’ll try it.
Anyway, I slept for about 13 hours last night with the aid of a Klonopin. Thank God I’ve got my trip to London to look forward to. I’ll be gone for a few days, starting tomorrow. When I return, I’ll go back to taking things one day at a time until I don’t want to off myself. Don’t worry; I’ll get there.
I had crepes with Jan and Sophia yesterday evening after spending most of the day shopping. When I got home, I listened to music and did some ironing and started bawling when Amy Winehouse’s version of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” came on. The part of me that thought that David was serious when he said we could meet again before he left expected him to want to see me last night.
My Facebook newsfeed shows me that he chose to attend a pickled cheese competition instead.
He should be flying to Brussels today or tomorrow, and I wrote him this:
Hey, David.
You're probably jetting off today or tomorrow, so good luck in Belgium. I hope that everything works out there and with Dubai. I hope our paths cross again before too long. :)
All the best,
Kate
xoxo
He’ll respond with something polite, like, “Yes, I am leaving tomorrow. Sorry it didn’t work out for us to see each other again before I left, but I had so much to do in a short time. Keep in touch! D.” And that’ll be it.
I have not contacted Chris in any way since that chat (posted a couple of entries back) from Thursday. He has not contacted me. One of his friends posted on my Facebook that he was sorry that Chris decided to return to being a “noob” and that we should hang out again when I’m next in Vienna. I’m not sure that I’ll ever return to Vienna, though.
I am filled with so much anger for allowing myself to be treated so poorly by both of them. It occurred to me that I’ve never really dumped someone before, no matter how bad things got. With two exceptions-one being Leon, but that was more mutual and worked out over a long period of time. The other one was Fouad. He cheated and used me financially and even that took me months to pull the plug on.
I need to raise the bar. You don’t want a monogamous relationship? You make incredibly racist remarks? You think women are beneath men and aren’t as intelligent or creative? You’re not looking for something long term? You tell me to turn off my music but I’m not allowed to say anything when you play your screaming death metal? You tell me that I need to lose weight in order to date you? You tell me to behave or to just be happy but you won’t even listen to me when I try to talk through my problems because you’re “not [my] therapist?” You don’t want to introduce me to your friends or invite me to your parties? Then you aren’t good enough for me.
Hard to implement, of course, but at least I’ll try it.
Anyway, I slept for about 13 hours last night with the aid of a Klonopin. Thank God I’ve got my trip to London to look forward to. I’ll be gone for a few days, starting tomorrow. When I return, I’ll go back to taking things one day at a time until I don’t want to off myself. Don’t worry; I’ll get there.