Depressed Again
I'm in Vienna for a few more hours. A couple of Chris' friends should be here in an hour.
It's been a good weekend. I've sort of been going back and forth between Chris and David in my head, which is terrible, I suppose, but I do have a choice to make. I care about both of them a lot, but both have also done unimaginably shitty things to me.
And I wonder if neither is a good fit.
As far as David is concerned, perhaps I've gotten everything I wanted. I was so infatuated with him (ok, I still am), and I wanted him to return some of those feelings. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of months ago, even if it was contingent on my losing weight. And he asked me to move back to the States with him.
Whenever I was fantasizing about him seeing my value, these were the ways that I mostly thought he could show me: finally wanting to date me and moving with him (this fantasy emerged when he first told me he wanted to apply for that program in Canada).
So, reasonably, there is nothing else for me to get from him. I mean, I really like him and enjoy his company. I know everyone who reads this probably thinks he's a dick, but he's a funny, sweet, enjoyable person to be around.
Still, it can only go downhill. His longest relationship was five months, and I know he dumped some girl because she was taller than him and another because she was a smoker who goes to bed early. Ok, in his mind, these were parts of larger pictures in which he couldn't imagine spending his life with these women. They were flawed, and he's 34 now so he's got to be selective. But I find it hard to believe that a thin version of me is going to be satisfactory to him. I am all sorts of crazy, and he somehow has known me for a year and not figured that out yet.
As for Chris, he's told me that he's very open to living together in a year and that he'd consider children in two. I sort of wish he wouldn't have said the latter part but I guess it means they're not entirely off the table.
I'm so comfortable with him, and he makes me feel so loved. He knows all about how crazy I am, and he loves me anyway. He knows I don't cook or keep a tidy apartment, and he doesn't care.
But he's also so insanely unpredictable, and that doesn't mesh well with my brand of crazy. He gets me so anxious...
I started seeing my current therapist months ago and one of the issues I wanted to discuss was the way I handle relationships. I have made them the most important thing in my life, and I don't know why. I have been with Chris for eight months but have allowed David to stay on the periphery almost the entire time, and I don't know why. When things are going well in my relationship, I create problems, and I don't know why. I'm incapable of figuring out if these guys are total douchebags who I should ditch or if they're decent...and I don't know why.
I have thought this weekend about how I never would've met Chris if David would've been willing to date me last summer. If David finally wants me, do I still reject him for being an asshole who didn't want me in the first place? Don't I still want him?
And Chris is like a misguided child with some of his stupid ideas about women and relationships, but I think he can grow up. I mean, he's 30 so it's a bit scary that he's not more mature but he's a smart guy who honestly loves me...
I'm repeating myself. I got on here because I wanted to write that I am depressed, which I am. I feel quite terrible today, but then I started going into these same topics that I've written about for months. Nothing is solved. I thought a therapist would help, but he mostly looks bored when I talk to him and rarely says anything.
It is unlikely that I will go back to the US. David eliminates himself from the picture when he takes off in the next few months. I guess. But that only solves the current dilemma and not the whole problem. And that depresses me.
David:
Me and Chris, this weekend (hard to choose just one photo):
It's been a good weekend. I've sort of been going back and forth between Chris and David in my head, which is terrible, I suppose, but I do have a choice to make. I care about both of them a lot, but both have also done unimaginably shitty things to me.
And I wonder if neither is a good fit.
As far as David is concerned, perhaps I've gotten everything I wanted. I was so infatuated with him (ok, I still am), and I wanted him to return some of those feelings. He finally asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of months ago, even if it was contingent on my losing weight. And he asked me to move back to the States with him.
Whenever I was fantasizing about him seeing my value, these were the ways that I mostly thought he could show me: finally wanting to date me and moving with him (this fantasy emerged when he first told me he wanted to apply for that program in Canada).
So, reasonably, there is nothing else for me to get from him. I mean, I really like him and enjoy his company. I know everyone who reads this probably thinks he's a dick, but he's a funny, sweet, enjoyable person to be around.
Still, it can only go downhill. His longest relationship was five months, and I know he dumped some girl because she was taller than him and another because she was a smoker who goes to bed early. Ok, in his mind, these were parts of larger pictures in which he couldn't imagine spending his life with these women. They were flawed, and he's 34 now so he's got to be selective. But I find it hard to believe that a thin version of me is going to be satisfactory to him. I am all sorts of crazy, and he somehow has known me for a year and not figured that out yet.
As for Chris, he's told me that he's very open to living together in a year and that he'd consider children in two. I sort of wish he wouldn't have said the latter part but I guess it means they're not entirely off the table.
I'm so comfortable with him, and he makes me feel so loved. He knows all about how crazy I am, and he loves me anyway. He knows I don't cook or keep a tidy apartment, and he doesn't care.
But he's also so insanely unpredictable, and that doesn't mesh well with my brand of crazy. He gets me so anxious...
I started seeing my current therapist months ago and one of the issues I wanted to discuss was the way I handle relationships. I have made them the most important thing in my life, and I don't know why. I have been with Chris for eight months but have allowed David to stay on the periphery almost the entire time, and I don't know why. When things are going well in my relationship, I create problems, and I don't know why. I'm incapable of figuring out if these guys are total douchebags who I should ditch or if they're decent...and I don't know why.
I have thought this weekend about how I never would've met Chris if David would've been willing to date me last summer. If David finally wants me, do I still reject him for being an asshole who didn't want me in the first place? Don't I still want him?
And Chris is like a misguided child with some of his stupid ideas about women and relationships, but I think he can grow up. I mean, he's 30 so it's a bit scary that he's not more mature but he's a smart guy who honestly loves me...
I'm repeating myself. I got on here because I wanted to write that I am depressed, which I am. I feel quite terrible today, but then I started going into these same topics that I've written about for months. Nothing is solved. I thought a therapist would help, but he mostly looks bored when I talk to him and rarely says anything.
It is unlikely that I will go back to the US. David eliminates himself from the picture when he takes off in the next few months. I guess. But that only solves the current dilemma and not the whole problem. And that depresses me.
David:
Me and Chris, this weekend (hard to choose just one photo):