Thursday
I weighed myself this morning and I’m down another pound and a half, but I have to maintain that this weekend while I’m in Vienna in order to add it to my “pie” chart. (No, I could not resist the pun.)
I half-assedly broke up with Chris this morning about a sofa. Ok, not really about a sofa but about the fact that he’s going to move into a tiny one-room apartment and, while that’s good for him financially, it shows that it will take until May 2010 before he and I can cohabitate. I know, you’re all thinking, “Why would you want to live with him, Kate?” Well, I don’t want to now but I want the option of it. His current apartment is huge and would easily fit me. Now he’s moving into a new bachelor pad and asking me to help him pick out furniture for it, and it’s a very real indicator that we are so far from what I want. If not with him, then with someone.
This morning I spent an hour with my therapist discussing conventional beauty and how I think I’ll be more likely to attract a respectful mate when I am thin because I’ll see more value in myself. I think my therapist respects my opinions, which I like. John said that I pay a therapist to listen to me and give me the reaction that I want instead of confiding in a friend, which I think is a valid point, but when it comes to my thoughts on beauty and body image, I know that what I say can be compelling: I’ve spent almost 20 years of my life thinking about it.
I told Chris that I want to be able to date (and not just sleep with) other people in our open relationship. That is the band-aid on our gaping gash of a relationship. He doesn’t want this, but gave me a tentative yes so that I will visit him this weekend. Anything to make me happy enough to not leave him.
I don’t want to be cruel to him. It’s just so hard for me; I hate the current situation but I want to be with him, so I break up and then patch things back up immediately. I told both him and Caroline that I think I’m going through the same phase that I had with Fouad-after he cheated and before I could finally break up with him. I feel like the relationship is over but I’m not strong enough to end it.
The most important difference, though, is that, despite his flaws, Chris is someone I could spend my life with. We’re in love and our personalities and interests mesh well; we just have very different ideas of relationships. If that could be fixed or a compromise reached, the relationship could be saved. I just don’t know if that will happen.
David has not responded to my email. I was pretty annoyed about this earlier because I think it signifies that he and I haven’t come along as far as I thought we had. But it’s good for me, because it makes him appear less god-like, and I need that kind of reminder.
Ideally, then, I keep seeing my therapist, working out, dieting, and becoming a better, healthier person. And in a few months, maybe I can find someone who will love me for me. Or Chris and I will have patched up our relationship with more than band-aids. Or David will finally be as responsive as I’d like, but even I know that almost certainly can’t go well.
I half-assedly broke up with Chris this morning about a sofa. Ok, not really about a sofa but about the fact that he’s going to move into a tiny one-room apartment and, while that’s good for him financially, it shows that it will take until May 2010 before he and I can cohabitate. I know, you’re all thinking, “Why would you want to live with him, Kate?” Well, I don’t want to now but I want the option of it. His current apartment is huge and would easily fit me. Now he’s moving into a new bachelor pad and asking me to help him pick out furniture for it, and it’s a very real indicator that we are so far from what I want. If not with him, then with someone.
This morning I spent an hour with my therapist discussing conventional beauty and how I think I’ll be more likely to attract a respectful mate when I am thin because I’ll see more value in myself. I think my therapist respects my opinions, which I like. John said that I pay a therapist to listen to me and give me the reaction that I want instead of confiding in a friend, which I think is a valid point, but when it comes to my thoughts on beauty and body image, I know that what I say can be compelling: I’ve spent almost 20 years of my life thinking about it.
I told Chris that I want to be able to date (and not just sleep with) other people in our open relationship. That is the band-aid on our gaping gash of a relationship. He doesn’t want this, but gave me a tentative yes so that I will visit him this weekend. Anything to make me happy enough to not leave him.
I don’t want to be cruel to him. It’s just so hard for me; I hate the current situation but I want to be with him, so I break up and then patch things back up immediately. I told both him and Caroline that I think I’m going through the same phase that I had with Fouad-after he cheated and before I could finally break up with him. I feel like the relationship is over but I’m not strong enough to end it.
The most important difference, though, is that, despite his flaws, Chris is someone I could spend my life with. We’re in love and our personalities and interests mesh well; we just have very different ideas of relationships. If that could be fixed or a compromise reached, the relationship could be saved. I just don’t know if that will happen.
David has not responded to my email. I was pretty annoyed about this earlier because I think it signifies that he and I haven’t come along as far as I thought we had. But it’s good for me, because it makes him appear less god-like, and I need that kind of reminder.
Ideally, then, I keep seeing my therapist, working out, dieting, and becoming a better, healthier person. And in a few months, maybe I can find someone who will love me for me. Or Chris and I will have patched up our relationship with more than band-aids. Or David will finally be as responsive as I’d like, but even I know that almost certainly can’t go well.