Embracing any motivating factor
Leon emailed me over the weekend and also noted in his blog that Chester died. I was saddened by the news, but it’s been almost two years since I moved to Prague and, as Leon wrote, Chester really ceased being mine when I developed an allergy to the guinea pigs, so I feel pretty detached from it. You should read his post about it, but I’m writing about it because I still loved those pigs.
It seems heartless to write about anything else, but I want to address the concerns that I’ve started my latest diet for the wrong reason. Rest assured that I can see your point of view, and I am trying hard not to expect anything from David. Quite honestly, I can’t imagine losing enough weight for him to consider me dateable. The next time that he and I talk, I may just ask him how much weight he foresees me losing, but, even without asking, I can imagine that his idea would have me at least 50 pounds lighter (even if he doesn’t realize that’s just how much it needs to be), and even if I lost the completely unrealistic 2 pounds a week, that’d take me 6 months. And that wouldn’t leave much time for dating, as he’s planning to leave Prague at the end of the year-that came up in the diet conversation:
He said, “If you lost some weight, I’d like for you to be my girlfriend,” and then asked something like, “Does that excite you?”
My response was to ask for the logistics, because I thought he was leaving Prague in a couple of months. He said he plans to extend his stay until the end of 2009, if he can continue to keep his free apartment. Still, though, it’s going to take me too long.
Anyway, I don’t think that my mistake in this matter is that I am improperly motivated. Anything that will excite me about exercising and losing weight is a good thing. It’s sort of like the idea that a good deed done for the wrong reason is still a good deed. No, what’s misguided about this is that I have already felt my prior attachment to David returning, and it’s worrisome. He’s almost mine, but not quite; I do one thing, and he could be mine. But he’s still considering himself single (hell, I still have a boyfriend), and, until I’ve dropped an enormous amount of weight, he’ll probably still pursue other women. (And I have noted that his revelation about my date-ability came right after I told him that I’m in an open relationship, and I have a feeling that he will want that same arrangement for himself, so dating David probably wouldn’t be an improvement on my current situation.)
I open myself up to get hurt, but I am also motivated and remembering all those times in my life that I thought that the only reason I was undesirable was my weight. I am full of flaws but people are more forgiving of those things if you’re thin and beautiful. Why can’t I just do this one thing that I’ve wanted so much and for so long?
I ordered one of the books that David suggested, but it’ll take a while to arrive, so I looked for random diet books in a second-hand English bookshop today during my lunch but didn’t find any. I made a doctor’s appointment for Friday morning and I will ask if I can be referred to a dietician and ask about testing my thyroid (like she wanted to do months before, because I think it was enlarged). And I’m going to a new gym today with Caroline.
This all could flop; almost every time I’ve set out to lose weight, I’ve lost motivation and given in to my slothful, gluttonous tendencies. But this time, I really want it. I just have to be able to stick to it even if David realizes that he can have the hot, thin girlfriend without going through all of this. If that happens, my natural inclination would probably be to bury my face in a piece of meringue pie.
Ok, a whole pie. Several pies. But perhaps I can use his support and motivation and come out of this with someone who loves me for me, at any size. Actually, Chris is that kind of guy. Maybe if I lose some weight and he betters himself as he thinks he can with this open relationship, we’ll come out of this as a happier, closer couple.
But, the most likely outcome is that I’ll lose 10 pounds and give up. David will replace me and I’ll be devastated. And I will finally be fed up enough with Chris to find some other European putz to pass the time with.
It seems heartless to write about anything else, but I want to address the concerns that I’ve started my latest diet for the wrong reason. Rest assured that I can see your point of view, and I am trying hard not to expect anything from David. Quite honestly, I can’t imagine losing enough weight for him to consider me dateable. The next time that he and I talk, I may just ask him how much weight he foresees me losing, but, even without asking, I can imagine that his idea would have me at least 50 pounds lighter (even if he doesn’t realize that’s just how much it needs to be), and even if I lost the completely unrealistic 2 pounds a week, that’d take me 6 months. And that wouldn’t leave much time for dating, as he’s planning to leave Prague at the end of the year-that came up in the diet conversation:
He said, “If you lost some weight, I’d like for you to be my girlfriend,” and then asked something like, “Does that excite you?”
My response was to ask for the logistics, because I thought he was leaving Prague in a couple of months. He said he plans to extend his stay until the end of 2009, if he can continue to keep his free apartment. Still, though, it’s going to take me too long.
Anyway, I don’t think that my mistake in this matter is that I am improperly motivated. Anything that will excite me about exercising and losing weight is a good thing. It’s sort of like the idea that a good deed done for the wrong reason is still a good deed. No, what’s misguided about this is that I have already felt my prior attachment to David returning, and it’s worrisome. He’s almost mine, but not quite; I do one thing, and he could be mine. But he’s still considering himself single (hell, I still have a boyfriend), and, until I’ve dropped an enormous amount of weight, he’ll probably still pursue other women. (And I have noted that his revelation about my date-ability came right after I told him that I’m in an open relationship, and I have a feeling that he will want that same arrangement for himself, so dating David probably wouldn’t be an improvement on my current situation.)
I open myself up to get hurt, but I am also motivated and remembering all those times in my life that I thought that the only reason I was undesirable was my weight. I am full of flaws but people are more forgiving of those things if you’re thin and beautiful. Why can’t I just do this one thing that I’ve wanted so much and for so long?
I ordered one of the books that David suggested, but it’ll take a while to arrive, so I looked for random diet books in a second-hand English bookshop today during my lunch but didn’t find any. I made a doctor’s appointment for Friday morning and I will ask if I can be referred to a dietician and ask about testing my thyroid (like she wanted to do months before, because I think it was enlarged). And I’m going to a new gym today with Caroline.
This all could flop; almost every time I’ve set out to lose weight, I’ve lost motivation and given in to my slothful, gluttonous tendencies. But this time, I really want it. I just have to be able to stick to it even if David realizes that he can have the hot, thin girlfriend without going through all of this. If that happens, my natural inclination would probably be to bury my face in a piece of meringue pie.
Ok, a whole pie. Several pies. But perhaps I can use his support and motivation and come out of this with someone who loves me for me, at any size. Actually, Chris is that kind of guy. Maybe if I lose some weight and he betters himself as he thinks he can with this open relationship, we’ll come out of this as a happier, closer couple.
But, the most likely outcome is that I’ll lose 10 pounds and give up. David will replace me and I’ll be devastated. And I will finally be fed up enough with Chris to find some other European putz to pass the time with.