Change I don't believe in
Dan unfriended me on Facebook. We argued a few weeks ago about a Guantanamo-related article that I posted on my profile, but I thought we resolved the matter. He did, however, say in the middle of the argument that he feels like I’m very nice to his face but mocking the things that are important to him behind his back-things like the Republican party. Nothing has changed in the past few weeks, but maybe he decided that I was more trouble than I was worth.
Another possibility is that his wife was jealous-not just of his friendship with me but with lots and lots of women that he’s added because he gets into these game applications and adds a bunch of people that he meets through them. Some of the women get a bit flirtatious in the messages they leave on his profile, and his wife may have put her foot down about them, causing him to unfriend all female acquaintances that she didn’t approve of. I’m basing this hypothesis, in part, on the fact that he and I used to have a few female friends in common but now we only have two common friends-both male. So I may not have been the only one to get the boot.
Regardless, this is getting old. I don’t care very much when someone who I barely know unfriends me. Likewise, I have had at least two males who courted me and then took me out on lousy dates unfriend me when things didn’t work out between us. Although it still stings a bit to have that blatant rejection, I understand it. But someone like Dan? Completely unexpected.
On another subject, my anxiety is out of control right now. I have contacted a new therapist-one who hopefully has more time for me in his schedule than the one I was seeing. Actually, this one has a PhD and I think I may try seeing him for both counseling and medication if it works out [Edit: I'm an idiot. PhDs can't prescribe medication.]. He sees clients until 9 pm, so that looks very promising.
I’m also back on social contact as therapy. So after I took Chris to the train station on Saturday evening, I went out with Caroline, Jirka, and Leslie and had a great time. We went to a pub and ended up having a singing contest with a nearby table. It was fantastic. And then yesterday I went to the hash for the first time in ages. That was also quite enjoyable.
But part of the anxiety is caused by Chris. He keeps changing or, at least, expressing a need for change. Today he started his third job in the five and a half months that we’ve dated. And while you’d think that shouldn’t affect me, it really does. Where he is all day affects his mood and demeanor when we interact. Plus he’s supposed to do a bit of traveling for this job, which certainly could lead to big changes. And, at the very least, I got spoiled by his ability to email me extremely frequently at his last job-especially after he quit and wasn’t as engaged in the work.
He branded yesterday as some kind of rebirth for him. It was the first of the month and his first day where he was no longer an employee of his previous company. Ordinarily, on a Sunday, he would have logged onto World of Warcraft as soon as he got up, but he decided that yesterday he would not do that because he wants this to change. And I partially think that he was just getting himself mentally prepared for his new job (which is also why he didn’t stay the full weekend with me; he needed some time to himself) and that things will go back to normal, and I partially admire him for trying to make his life better and more productive.
Anyway, he instead was listening to music and reading some things online. He also downloaded Rosetta Stone for me so I can use it to work on my German. I was happy about this but worried-worried that he will actually change and that that will lead to problems in our relationship.
The thing that concerns me the most is something I have never written about here and have really not spoken about with others. But he used to be active in an organization that I rather profoundly object to. He made a lot of his current friends through this organization, and, although I have met a few of them and think they are perfectly nice people, I’m a bit wary of them and their influence on Chris. (I keep wishing that he’d get active in music again or join the Free Thinkers/atheist group that he used to be with and make friends through these organizations; I’m even going to take him to a hash the next time I’m in Vienna, which is a move to show that I don’t object to him having his own life and spending time with friends; I just get nervous about these particular people).
Anyway, during a recent argument, he told me that he wants to get involved with this group again. After the argument, he implied that he only said that because he knew it’d make me upset and he was so angry that, essentially, he wanted to hurt me. And he said that he may not find it necessary to rejoin this organization after all. But he’s making plans for this evening and tomorrow, and I think he’ll be hanging out with these same friends with their fucked up ideologies. And while he’s said that he will not rejoin this group without at least letting me know first, I’m scared that he might sneak in the back door.
I realize this topic loses most of its impact if I don’t tell you what this group is, but I explained a bit about it to Caroline, and I think she lost all respect for him. And so if he never rejoins, it's not an issue and I don’t want to taint him in all of your minds.
The bigger picture here is that I don’t know how many of these concerns are legitimate and how many of them are me making mountains out of molehills. Will hanging out with these people serve as a gateway for him to reenter this community? And if he did reenter, does that mean we can’t be together? Where does the threat start? The friends? The organization? His intentions? Do I trust him that this desire doesn't exist and was only claimed out of anger? Or does he honestly miss it and wish to go back? And if that’s the case, can we ever be happy together? If he longs for something that I don’t think I can tolerate, it’s only a matter of time before we break up, isn’t it?
But again, how much of this is in my crazy head? To the therapist, I must go!
Another possibility is that his wife was jealous-not just of his friendship with me but with lots and lots of women that he’s added because he gets into these game applications and adds a bunch of people that he meets through them. Some of the women get a bit flirtatious in the messages they leave on his profile, and his wife may have put her foot down about them, causing him to unfriend all female acquaintances that she didn’t approve of. I’m basing this hypothesis, in part, on the fact that he and I used to have a few female friends in common but now we only have two common friends-both male. So I may not have been the only one to get the boot.
Regardless, this is getting old. I don’t care very much when someone who I barely know unfriends me. Likewise, I have had at least two males who courted me and then took me out on lousy dates unfriend me when things didn’t work out between us. Although it still stings a bit to have that blatant rejection, I understand it. But someone like Dan? Completely unexpected.
On another subject, my anxiety is out of control right now. I have contacted a new therapist-one who hopefully has more time for me in his schedule than the one I was seeing. Actually, this one has a PhD and I think I may try seeing him for both counseling and medication if it works out [Edit: I'm an idiot. PhDs can't prescribe medication.]. He sees clients until 9 pm, so that looks very promising.
I’m also back on social contact as therapy. So after I took Chris to the train station on Saturday evening, I went out with Caroline, Jirka, and Leslie and had a great time. We went to a pub and ended up having a singing contest with a nearby table. It was fantastic. And then yesterday I went to the hash for the first time in ages. That was also quite enjoyable.
But part of the anxiety is caused by Chris. He keeps changing or, at least, expressing a need for change. Today he started his third job in the five and a half months that we’ve dated. And while you’d think that shouldn’t affect me, it really does. Where he is all day affects his mood and demeanor when we interact. Plus he’s supposed to do a bit of traveling for this job, which certainly could lead to big changes. And, at the very least, I got spoiled by his ability to email me extremely frequently at his last job-especially after he quit and wasn’t as engaged in the work.
He branded yesterday as some kind of rebirth for him. It was the first of the month and his first day where he was no longer an employee of his previous company. Ordinarily, on a Sunday, he would have logged onto World of Warcraft as soon as he got up, but he decided that yesterday he would not do that because he wants this to change. And I partially think that he was just getting himself mentally prepared for his new job (which is also why he didn’t stay the full weekend with me; he needed some time to himself) and that things will go back to normal, and I partially admire him for trying to make his life better and more productive.
Anyway, he instead was listening to music and reading some things online. He also downloaded Rosetta Stone for me so I can use it to work on my German. I was happy about this but worried-worried that he will actually change and that that will lead to problems in our relationship.
The thing that concerns me the most is something I have never written about here and have really not spoken about with others. But he used to be active in an organization that I rather profoundly object to. He made a lot of his current friends through this organization, and, although I have met a few of them and think they are perfectly nice people, I’m a bit wary of them and their influence on Chris. (I keep wishing that he’d get active in music again or join the Free Thinkers/atheist group that he used to be with and make friends through these organizations; I’m even going to take him to a hash the next time I’m in Vienna, which is a move to show that I don’t object to him having his own life and spending time with friends; I just get nervous about these particular people).
Anyway, during a recent argument, he told me that he wants to get involved with this group again. After the argument, he implied that he only said that because he knew it’d make me upset and he was so angry that, essentially, he wanted to hurt me. And he said that he may not find it necessary to rejoin this organization after all. But he’s making plans for this evening and tomorrow, and I think he’ll be hanging out with these same friends with their fucked up ideologies. And while he’s said that he will not rejoin this group without at least letting me know first, I’m scared that he might sneak in the back door.
I realize this topic loses most of its impact if I don’t tell you what this group is, but I explained a bit about it to Caroline, and I think she lost all respect for him. And so if he never rejoins, it's not an issue and I don’t want to taint him in all of your minds.
The bigger picture here is that I don’t know how many of these concerns are legitimate and how many of them are me making mountains out of molehills. Will hanging out with these people serve as a gateway for him to reenter this community? And if he did reenter, does that mean we can’t be together? Where does the threat start? The friends? The organization? His intentions? Do I trust him that this desire doesn't exist and was only claimed out of anger? Or does he honestly miss it and wish to go back? And if that’s the case, can we ever be happy together? If he longs for something that I don’t think I can tolerate, it’s only a matter of time before we break up, isn’t it?
But again, how much of this is in my crazy head? To the therapist, I must go!