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[squeakywheel]

I’m experiencing a low. I am extremely depressed and although I’m trying to reach out to friends, I actually feel a much stronger desire to curl up in the fetal position than to fight off the depression with social contact. I suppose that’s pretty bad then

Comments

[neonleonb]

Actually, that's not so confusing. If you recall, I have this idea that people are forced into roles. For instance, when one person throws a temper tantrum, the other one *has* to be adult, or else no one will and things will get bad. You base your decisions on what to do in part on what you expect from the other person.

Well, he wants to be close, but he wants to do it on his terms. What he's afraid is that if he gives encouraging signs, you'll immediately pounce on him. It's a "give an inch and she'll take a mile" sort of worry for him. As far as he knows, your desire for closeness and affection is limitless, and he's afraid of falling into that pit. You may know it's not limitless, but it's hard for him to see that because you've never shown a sign that the limit is close, so he doesn't see that limit.

Is that making sense? Writing quickly, I'm not sure I phrased it well. Basically, he's afraid to give to you because he thinks you'll only want more. When you don't seem like you'll grab for more, he's willing to give. That does suggest some ways to interact with him: You could try to seem like you want less. You could try to make it clearer that you won't ask for more as soon as he gives in on one thing. You could make it clearer that there's an amount of closeness that is too much for you--that there's a point at which you, too, will pull back.

I think it was actually like this with you, me, and money. I was always nervous about your control of money because you always wanted to spend more than I did. You wanted new furniture and dreamed of a big house; because it was more than I wanted, it seemed like your desires had no bounds, and I was afraid to let you make decisions about our money on your own. Obviously, those fears were unfounded, since you've managed your money better than I have since the divorce. But I think it's a similar situation, where the perception of differing desires causes some fear.

[squeakywheel]

And, on the issue of money, you saw that once we were making money, I wasn't spending it like it seemed I would. I may have dreamed of furniture and a big house but I wasn't willing to go out and buy it all. I put a lot of constraints on those things and never really spent a lot of money with you. But, yes, I remember your concerns. That's a good analogy.

And thank you. This makes very good sense and makes me feel better. Should I just be open and tell him that you offered me this advice or should I change my behaviors accordingly? I feel like I'm too honest to just adjust the way I behave. It seems manipulative, almost. I'd almost rather he know that I have new insight thanks to you.