Good and Bad
Good: Even though the winter in the Czech Republic stretches on far longer than I would like (and it’s only November), one thing that I love about living here is the Christmas markets. The markets in the Old Town Square will not be up until Saturday, but there’s one set up in a square a few blocks from my work.
Today, after lunch with a few of my coworkers, we walked through that market and stopped for some hot, spiced wine. I did not have a cup, but I did appreciate the idea of it. There we were, toddling back to work 30 minutes later than our allotted hour and running a bit late because we decided to have a glass of alcohol. And that’s perfectly normal. Some days I really appreciate living somewhere so incredibly laid back.
Bad: I woke up this morning barely able to open my eyes because they were so swollen and puffy from crying last night. Chris and I had a terrible argument, and I sobbed. I think that he may have been extremely irritable because he is having a LOT of problems with his computers and network, but he said some things to me that were really quite hurtful.
At the heart of everything we discussed seems to be the issue that he really does not like that I am depressed. He thinks that I have a great life and should be happy with everything that I have-including him. He has stressed on more than one occasion that he is extremely picky so I should feel lucky that he chose me. Evidently, I don’t seem thrilled enough that he, who could have any woman he wanted, has his heart set on me. Point taken, I guess, that he doesn’t feel appreciated.
But still there’s the depression issue. He told me that he doesn’t believe in depression. He eventually amended this to say that he does believe in its existence but he thinks it’s over diagnosed and lazily treated with medication. I somewhat agree with that, but he spent a large amount of time telling me that I should just be happy. As though, I can just smile and the sickness will magically go away.
I was lying in bed while he was saying this and feeling a dull pain in my stomach from trying to suppress the crying. It reminded me of what Dirk said to me a couple of months ago. Or what my parents used to say to me ten years ago-my mom not understanding how someone can just feel empty and my dad wishing desperately for me to be normal.
In fact, Chris even said that last night. “Be normal,” he said. “Be a normal human being.” And he told me that people like him because he’s a happy person and they would like me too if I were happy.
This argument began because we were talking on the phone and I wasn’t answering him fast enough. I also wasn’t talkative enough. I keep trying to tell him that I am a quiet person and, yes, sometimes I get sad. If he finds that frustrating or boring or some other unpleasant thing, then it doesn’t bode well for us but he insists that he likes me so much and he thinks that being critical towards me is treating me like an adult and that it might also inspire me to improve myself. He doesn’t think that anyone deserves to be loved for what they are. He thinks that people should always be working on themselves.
I have mixed feelings about a lot of this. I think it’s great to aspire to be a better person and to work towards a goal, but I don’t understand what he’s trying to accomplish with me. Does he think he can bully me into being a better person? Does he look at my weak personality and think I could be easily molded?
Also, I don’t like that he thinks my depression could be so easily remedied and that he seems to have no tolerance for it. The only saving grace here may be that he was really damn irritated by his computer and network problems and not by me and that he was saying a lot of things that he regrets. Otherwise, it seems an unwise decision to enter into a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t understand some of the most integral parts of me. I feel blindsided by his thoughts on depression. I wonder what else he hasn’t told me.
Today, after lunch with a few of my coworkers, we walked through that market and stopped for some hot, spiced wine. I did not have a cup, but I did appreciate the idea of it. There we were, toddling back to work 30 minutes later than our allotted hour and running a bit late because we decided to have a glass of alcohol. And that’s perfectly normal. Some days I really appreciate living somewhere so incredibly laid back.
Bad: I woke up this morning barely able to open my eyes because they were so swollen and puffy from crying last night. Chris and I had a terrible argument, and I sobbed. I think that he may have been extremely irritable because he is having a LOT of problems with his computers and network, but he said some things to me that were really quite hurtful.
At the heart of everything we discussed seems to be the issue that he really does not like that I am depressed. He thinks that I have a great life and should be happy with everything that I have-including him. He has stressed on more than one occasion that he is extremely picky so I should feel lucky that he chose me. Evidently, I don’t seem thrilled enough that he, who could have any woman he wanted, has his heart set on me. Point taken, I guess, that he doesn’t feel appreciated.
But still there’s the depression issue. He told me that he doesn’t believe in depression. He eventually amended this to say that he does believe in its existence but he thinks it’s over diagnosed and lazily treated with medication. I somewhat agree with that, but he spent a large amount of time telling me that I should just be happy. As though, I can just smile and the sickness will magically go away.
I was lying in bed while he was saying this and feeling a dull pain in my stomach from trying to suppress the crying. It reminded me of what Dirk said to me a couple of months ago. Or what my parents used to say to me ten years ago-my mom not understanding how someone can just feel empty and my dad wishing desperately for me to be normal.
In fact, Chris even said that last night. “Be normal,” he said. “Be a normal human being.” And he told me that people like him because he’s a happy person and they would like me too if I were happy.
This argument began because we were talking on the phone and I wasn’t answering him fast enough. I also wasn’t talkative enough. I keep trying to tell him that I am a quiet person and, yes, sometimes I get sad. If he finds that frustrating or boring or some other unpleasant thing, then it doesn’t bode well for us but he insists that he likes me so much and he thinks that being critical towards me is treating me like an adult and that it might also inspire me to improve myself. He doesn’t think that anyone deserves to be loved for what they are. He thinks that people should always be working on themselves.
I have mixed feelings about a lot of this. I think it’s great to aspire to be a better person and to work towards a goal, but I don’t understand what he’s trying to accomplish with me. Does he think he can bully me into being a better person? Does he look at my weak personality and think I could be easily molded?
Also, I don’t like that he thinks my depression could be so easily remedied and that he seems to have no tolerance for it. The only saving grace here may be that he was really damn irritated by his computer and network problems and not by me and that he was saying a lot of things that he regrets. Otherwise, it seems an unwise decision to enter into a long-term relationship with someone who doesn’t understand some of the most integral parts of me. I feel blindsided by his thoughts on depression. I wonder what else he hasn’t told me.