Sleeping through the Worst of It
Between 3 AM on Sunday and 9 AM on Monday, I slept a total of 21 hours. The only reasons I even woke up were because I set an alarm Sunday morning to prevent myself from sleeping through the day (ha!), my phone rang at one point, and I set an alarm to get up for work today. I also woke up around 1 AM this morning and was up for four hours, possibly because I was hungry. Or because I needed to go to the bathroom. Or because it was time to cry.
I am very depressed right now. I had surgery on Friday, which I have avoided talking about here, partially because I haven’t figured out yet if my mom reads my blog and I didn’t see the point in making her worry. I only told four people about the surgery, and one of those was my boss because I needed to take the day off from work. Another was Caroline, because someone had to help me get home. The other two were Dan and Dirk.
But it was the scariest thing I have ever done, and it was also very lonely. I threw up on the way home from it, but otherwise, I feel much better than I did before. Unfortunately, I think that experience has used up all of my strength for the month and I am now just sniveling and pitiful.
I currently feel as if I will never be happy again-that there is nothing and no one (including myself) that could ever make me feel happy or appreciate life or make me want to do anything besides sleep.
Some of this has to do with David, of course. He’ll almost certainly contact me again in another week or so and ask if I want to come over and “kiss,” which seems to be the euphemism we’re going with here in LJ land. And I honestly can’t tell you how I will respond to that. I tell myself that I would accept the invitation just to tell him off, but I would have to grow a backbone for that to happen.
I am very, very depressed.
I think that I would end my life if not for the tremendous amount of guilt that that idea gives me. I couldn’t do that to my family, and I would also feel bad for whoever would have to sort through my belongings here. Plus, even though I know I’m very replaceable at work, losing me would still fuck them over for a couple of weeks. Essentially, if there were a way that I could just bow out so that it didn’t inconvenience anyone, I would do it. But that isn’t possible, so instead I’ll just fantasize about updating files at work so that my day-to-day activities can easily be replicated, and I’ll imagine sorting my possessions into neat little piles that can be trashed or mailed as needed. The idea is that if I organize my life enough, I will cease to be necessary in any capacity.
But nothing exhausts me quite like organization so I’m bound to just sleep it off.
I am very depressed right now. I had surgery on Friday, which I have avoided talking about here, partially because I haven’t figured out yet if my mom reads my blog and I didn’t see the point in making her worry. I only told four people about the surgery, and one of those was my boss because I needed to take the day off from work. Another was Caroline, because someone had to help me get home. The other two were Dan and Dirk.
But it was the scariest thing I have ever done, and it was also very lonely. I threw up on the way home from it, but otherwise, I feel much better than I did before. Unfortunately, I think that experience has used up all of my strength for the month and I am now just sniveling and pitiful.
I currently feel as if I will never be happy again-that there is nothing and no one (including myself) that could ever make me feel happy or appreciate life or make me want to do anything besides sleep.
Some of this has to do with David, of course. He’ll almost certainly contact me again in another week or so and ask if I want to come over and “kiss,” which seems to be the euphemism we’re going with here in LJ land. And I honestly can’t tell you how I will respond to that. I tell myself that I would accept the invitation just to tell him off, but I would have to grow a backbone for that to happen.
I am very, very depressed.
I think that I would end my life if not for the tremendous amount of guilt that that idea gives me. I couldn’t do that to my family, and I would also feel bad for whoever would have to sort through my belongings here. Plus, even though I know I’m very replaceable at work, losing me would still fuck them over for a couple of weeks. Essentially, if there were a way that I could just bow out so that it didn’t inconvenience anyone, I would do it. But that isn’t possible, so instead I’ll just fantasize about updating files at work so that my day-to-day activities can easily be replicated, and I’ll imagine sorting my possessions into neat little piles that can be trashed or mailed as needed. The idea is that if I organize my life enough, I will cease to be necessary in any capacity.
But nothing exhausts me quite like organization so I’m bound to just sleep it off.