(no subject)
I always write. I need to write. When I'm not writing, I'm thinking about writing or kissing good-looking boys or writing about kissing those boys and how can I write about them without making it too obvious that they're clearly based on someone real? I have a million plotlines swirling around in my head about things that would make awesome short stories or novels or plays. This probably doesn't surprise most people. I always have pens, always have notebooks, always.
Some people don't know this. But when you write a book, a novel, a story, a work of fiction, you don't really write it. At least, I don't. The characters are real. My characters, Lizzie and Callie and Kady and Desi and Kira and Corey and Christian and Ava and Julian and Liza and Detta and Ray and Brock and Gemma and Cass and Austin and Joanie and Di and Marcus, are like my fake squad. They are the squad who rolls out deep, except Lizzie only rolls alone, and Kady and Desi will hang with Kira and Christian (except he died and that was so sad I cried for an hour) and Ava and Detta, but they love Ray and Austin, respectively. Callie and Corey were meant to be, so they and I thought, except turns out that they really weren't. I didn't WANT for that to happen. Trust me, that was a sad realization. Especially when you think about the parallels I tried to draw for that story. Told the future? I sure hope not.
You know that terribly lame quote about a good writer always knows what's in the pocket of his character? I think that's crap. You know why? I don't usually carry things in my pockets.
Because there's only so much that can fit in your pocket. A cell phone, maybe, a couple dollar bills. Maybe a quarter. Crushed gum. Keys. Those things aren't very telling about a character, or an author's relationship with a character. They're very generic.
Maybe if you at least knew why they had those things on their person, and why they were so important they put them in the pocket instead of a schoolbag or purse. Maybe then I'd buy it.
I love my characters. Every single one of them is based on someone that I love. I used to deliberately do that, write this person or that. (And Taffy WAS an amazing character. She was the best of that school of Colleen Literature. Most of the others ... Not so much.) Now it's more natural. They've got pieces of me -- I love me very much. But they've all got pieces of other people too. As I've gotten older -- I've been writing Desi and Kady and Liza since I was 13 -- they've become an interesting evolution of people in my old life and people in my new life. I know who you are in my fantasy world, but you'd probably have absolutely no idea.
Of course, you've barely read anything that I've ever written. It's not your fault. I'm selfish and self-centered, and terrified that I'm actually not a talented writer. The reason I don't let people read most of it is because it's not finished.
I have fifty three chapters, scenes, whatever you'd like to call it, starring Desi and Kady and the gang. Seven featuring Callie. Three with Lizzie. That's 63 scenes that I've been actively writing for almost seven years.
Maybe eight are presentable to the general public, that being people who are not me. Of those eight, I've only shown half.
I'm terrified to finish these things, to give them closure. Because what if I'm lying to these people, and it's actually NOT done? In real life, it never is.
I wonder if I told him all the things he's made me feel and showed him everything I had to write to get it out of my head before I exploded in rage and frustration because I didn't know what was going on and the only thing that made sort-of-sense was to write it out on a legal pad, I wonder if then he'd love me. If he knew how badly I needed him to love me.
Maybe if he knew that, I could finish something. I need to know how it ends.
Some people don't know this. But when you write a book, a novel, a story, a work of fiction, you don't really write it. At least, I don't. The characters are real. My characters, Lizzie and Callie and Kady and Desi and Kira and Corey and Christian and Ava and Julian and Liza and Detta and Ray and Brock and Gemma and Cass and Austin and Joanie and Di and Marcus, are like my fake squad. They are the squad who rolls out deep, except Lizzie only rolls alone, and Kady and Desi will hang with Kira and Christian (except he died and that was so sad I cried for an hour) and Ava and Detta, but they love Ray and Austin, respectively. Callie and Corey were meant to be, so they and I thought, except turns out that they really weren't. I didn't WANT for that to happen. Trust me, that was a sad realization. Especially when you think about the parallels I tried to draw for that story. Told the future? I sure hope not.
You know that terribly lame quote about a good writer always knows what's in the pocket of his character? I think that's crap. You know why? I don't usually carry things in my pockets.
Because there's only so much that can fit in your pocket. A cell phone, maybe, a couple dollar bills. Maybe a quarter. Crushed gum. Keys. Those things aren't very telling about a character, or an author's relationship with a character. They're very generic.
Maybe if you at least knew why they had those things on their person, and why they were so important they put them in the pocket instead of a schoolbag or purse. Maybe then I'd buy it.
I love my characters. Every single one of them is based on someone that I love. I used to deliberately do that, write this person or that. (And Taffy WAS an amazing character. She was the best of that school of Colleen Literature. Most of the others ... Not so much.) Now it's more natural. They've got pieces of me -- I love me very much. But they've all got pieces of other people too. As I've gotten older -- I've been writing Desi and Kady and Liza since I was 13 -- they've become an interesting evolution of people in my old life and people in my new life. I know who you are in my fantasy world, but you'd probably have absolutely no idea.
Of course, you've barely read anything that I've ever written. It's not your fault. I'm selfish and self-centered, and terrified that I'm actually not a talented writer. The reason I don't let people read most of it is because it's not finished.
I have fifty three chapters, scenes, whatever you'd like to call it, starring Desi and Kady and the gang. Seven featuring Callie. Three with Lizzie. That's 63 scenes that I've been actively writing for almost seven years.
Maybe eight are presentable to the general public, that being people who are not me. Of those eight, I've only shown half.
I'm terrified to finish these things, to give them closure. Because what if I'm lying to these people, and it's actually NOT done? In real life, it never is.
I wonder if I told him all the things he's made me feel and showed him everything I had to write to get it out of my head before I exploded in rage and frustration because I didn't know what was going on and the only thing that made sort-of-sense was to write it out on a legal pad, I wonder if then he'd love me. If he knew how badly I needed him to love me.
Maybe if he knew that, I could finish something. I need to know how it ends.