And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be/Tired of trying to do it right

[battle_in_bloom]

Name(s): Sakura, Axel
Location: Gryffindor Tower~
Week: 42 [Backlog yey]
Time: Thursday evening, just before curfew
Rating: PG~



The first thing Sakura did after speaking to Sasuke was find a supply closet. After taking a look around to make sure no one was watching, she very quietly stepped into said supply closet, curled up in a corner without any cleaning products, and stared at the dark shadow of her knees for a while.

She didn't know what to do. How were you meant to deal with information like this? It was too big for her, she couldn't deal with it on her own - but she couldn't tell anyone, either. Just when had come to terms with pulling herself away from Sasuke, he went and hit her with something like this. And she couldn't blame him. Not because of some misplaced pity but because - it was too big for any one person to handle and really, who else could he tell?

She sat in the closet until the silence and the darkness became too oppressive, throwing up thoughts and images that she really didn't want to deal with at that point. Only half aware of what she was doing, she stood, throwing open the supply closet door and making her way to Gryffindor Tower. She already knew the password, but the few odd looks that she got from the students in the Common Room were probably more because it was almost curfew than because of her letting herself in; Sakura had enough friends in Gryffindor that she wasn't exactly an odd sight around there.

Eventually she found herself face to face with the Sixth Year Boys' dorm, and not entirely certain when she'd made the decision to go there. Raising her hand, she knocked tentatively. "Ax--" Her voice cracked out. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Axel? Are you there?"

Now Axel was no stranger to hearing Sakura's voice through his door. She visited him often enough that it was almost commonplace. What made it unusual, is that she hadn't said a word about coming over, and curfew was definitely close. It wasn't like her, and that had him curious and a bit concerned.

"You should know to just come in by now." He answered back, even as he got up from his bed and padded over to the door to open it up and let her in. "What's going on Princess? You normally aren't over this late."

"I didn't want--" Sakura's voice cracked out a second time, and she swallowed, clearing her throat again. "I didn't want to interrupt or anything." She had her hand on the door handle to push it open, but Axel got there first. Eyes wide, she stared at him for a moment. A beat passed, and suddenly the entire afternoon's event's washed over her and she crumbled. After holding it together for so long for Sasuke, Sakura found that she just couldn't do it any more. She stumbled forward a few steps, arms automatically raising to wind around Axel's neck as she buried her face into his neck.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, and she wasn't sure what she was apologising for, or even if it was Axel she was apologising to. She just needed to say it

Whatever concern Axel had automatically tripled when he opened the door and found himself with his arms full of an obviously upset Sakura. Just what the hell had happened? And what in the world was she saying sorry for?

"Hey it's okay." He murmured quietly, a bit awkward with the suddenness of the situation. "Come on." He pulled her a bit further into the room, carefully walking them both backwards before reaching out and just barely managing to kick the door closed.

"You okay?" He asked after a few seconds of quiet. It was a stupid question, seeing how upset she was, but it was the only thing he could think of to say.

Sakura let herself be walked wherever it was Axel was going, almost disturbingly passive. She drew in a few deep, shuddering breaths, really meaning to answer his questions, but finding herself unable to form the words. She shook her head against his shoulder, blinking rapidly against the tears that she couldn't force back. The thoughts that she'd been trying to outrun in the closet swamped her, about Sasuke and the Ministry, and oddly enough Itachi, who she'd never really been able to see as a person before now.

"I'm sorry--" she choked out again, and this time it was to him, an apology for the sudden appearance and the tears running thick and fast down her face as she clung to him. "I just. I just..." But she couldn't articulate it, not without telling him everything, and that wasn't an option.

Axel pulled them further into the room before trying to coax Sakura into a seat on his bed. He shook his head at her apology, "You don't have to apologize Sakura. You know you can come here whenever--especially when you're upset."

She sat down at his coaxing, pulling away so she was next to him on the edge of the bed. She chuckled pathetically at how he knew just was she was apologising for this time, and pulled her sleeve over her hand, wiping at her face. She couldn't seem to stop crying. "I know I can, I just--" She waved her hand, hoping that would explain it for her and knowing it really, really didn't. "I don't know," she sighed, rubbing at her face again, wet with tears once more. "I'm ridiculous," she concluded.

"You aren't ridiculous." Axel replied, nudging her shoulder with his own. "You want to talk about it?" He doubted it. Sakura would have at least said something hinting to the problem by now. And yet, not a word. If anything, it was something she probably wouldn't think he'd want to hear...or it was something she felt she couldn't talk about at all.

"No, I'm pretty ridiculous," she countered, her breath doing that weird stuttering thing that came with crying sometimes. "I. I do. I do want to talk about it." But Axel was her best friend. Even if she'd been able to betray Sasuke's trust like that, she didn't know if she could give him this knowledge. She didn't think she could do that to him. "But I can't. I just--" She looked down at her hands, annoyed with herself for being unable to articulate what she wanted to say. "I need someone who won't ask questions," she said eventually, voice near inaudible. "I'm sorry." Another apology. "Oh god, Axel, make me stop saying that," she said, realising herself that she was going a little overboard with the apologies. Not everything could be her fault, after all.

"Hey no questions asked." He said with a small grin. It was more to try and put her at ease than it was to try and get her to spill information on what happened. "You don't need to tell me and you don't need to apologize." He sighed and scratched at the back of his head, he really was far too awkward with this whole comfort and calming thing. "I'm not helping much am I?"

The grin and his words in general worked. Sakura cracked a small smile, poking her friend in the side. "You are," she said softly, in response to his last words. "I'm just overwhelmed, I think." She paused for a moment. "No, I'm definitely overwhelmed. There's been a lot going on lately, and today was just sort of. The straw that broke the camel’s back, or something."

“The camel needs to stop packing on the straw then." Axel muttered, grin growing wider. Banter, it was always their fall back when it came right down to it. "Want to talk out some things? You can leave out whatever you want or need, you know."

"Maybe the camel's - hungry or something." Sakura blinked, swiping a hand over her face for a third time. It was dry, now that she'd stopped crying. "Do camel's even eat straw?"

She flopped backwards onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling and staying silent for a while. "Sasuke," she admitted eventually. "But there's always Sasuke, so that - that I can deal with." It was half true - Sasuke, she could deal with. What Sasuke was going through...less so. "And Tsunade leaving...she taught me so much in such a short period of time, it only emphasised how little I managed without her. I'm worried that I won't be able to get stronger on my own." She swallowed once, hard, hesitating. "And...Al." A long pause. "I'm going...I'm going to break up with him."

"Hungry, right. Still needs to stop it." Axel replied, settling down to lay on his side across the bed. "And who knows what the hell they eat."

He let her go through her list, finding the first two quite easy to understand really. The third though, had him raising an eyebrow--interesting development there to be sure. "Sasuke...I've come to expect that to come up. But I could have sworn you said something about leaving that all alone, not going to ask unless you want to talk on that." Sasuke, the sore subject, best to get that out of the way first. "And you'll get stronger without her, and knowing her sending an owl now and then with your questions won't be a problem."

He paused, wondering if he should just wait till Sakura got to talk things out about the more serious things, but the question was nagging at him. "And just what happened with Al...?"

"I'm going to have to find this out now, I hope you realise," Sakura huffed. "The section on camels in the Library better be fixed, or I'm blaming you."

She flushed slightly, avoiding eye contact as he spoke about Sasuke. "I - yeah. I wa--I am," she corrected hurriedly. "It's complicated. It's Sasuke, it's always complicated. I still - you were right, about the way I act around him, and need to separate myself from that. I need to separate myself from him. It's complicated," she added redundantly. There was no way she could explain what was happening between her and Sasuke without telling him what the Slytherin had told her that evening. That would be the worst part, she thought; her friends thinking 'oh, there she goes again' for talking to Sasuke once more. She couldn't see any other path to take, though, not with this sort of information weighing on her. "As for shishou - you know me. I worry, all the time." Axel was the one person she didn't worry about dropping random Japanese on, considering she'd been doing it since she was about six years old. She'd always been vaguely surprised back then when he didn't understand what she was saying.

She met his gaze again, lips twisting into something like a smile, but not. "I don't know if anything happened with Al. Maybe it's because nothing happened. I don't know. I just." She bit her lip. She'd said it once to Catty, but why did saying it a second time seem that much easier? She didn't want it to be easy. "I'm not in love with him anymore. He's a wonderful person, and an amazing friend, I just - can't feel that way about him anymore. And I don't know how it happened. Or why."

"You can't blame me if the zoology section is gone right now, Princess." Axel replied smugly, the trademark smirk sliding into place.

"As for Uchiha...Always complicated and it never changes. A little distance wouldn't be bad for you, but I know how you collect his type Sakura." Sasuke's type, the one's with problems--the ones Sakura had a grip on and the ones she tried so desperately to help. At least most of them appreciated her efforts. "You'll end up talking to him eventually--you considered him a friend right? I can't see you cutting one of those off permanently." And maybe he knew her a bit too well to be able to say something like that.

"As for the Elric...If it's what you need to do, do it. Don't let those wheels in that pretty little head of your roll backwards." Axel grinned slightly, trying to lighten the air with a teasing remark. "Really though, you can't help it if your feelings change right? It happens to all of us some time or another."

"No, but I can blame you for making me feel the need to research," she shot back. The smug attitude was more a comfort than an irritation, although lord only knew it could be both at times.

Sakura picked at her fingernails, unsure about how to feel about the 'you'll end up talking to him eventually' remark. "I - I know I will. Let's face it, we all do. He only has to have another crisis, and I'll go straight back, because that's what I do. I'm...I'm all he has now, Axel. He was getting close to other people, but they all left, and at the same time too. The only way I'm ever going to be able to detach myself from him completely is if he lets me go." She chanced a look at Axel's face, knowing that the topic of Sasuke was kind of touchy between them, all things considered. "Sometimes I hate that I can't just cut that connection," she admitted softly. "And other times I wonder what kind of person I'd be if I could. I want - I want to be his friend, but I don't know if I have the strength to do that and be something other than that at the same time. I want to be Sakura first, not Sasuke's friend, but I don't know if I can."

She fell silent for a few moments, lips twitching up slightly at his teasing. "I didn't want it to happen, though," she said eventually. "I really thought that - that if I worked hard enough on this one, if I wanted it badly enough, it might turn out to be that fairytale ending." She paused, rethinking that. "No, not even the fairytale. I'm not that unrealistic, anymore. I just. Thought that we could be happy." She groaned, burying her face in her hands. "This is going to break his heart."

"You know I won't blame you for talking to him again." Axel said, a bit too quiet. "It's what you do. If someone you care about needs you, you'll be there. It's not a bad thing you know, wanting to be there." Really, the irritant was when Sasuke became the only thing Sakura seemed to pay mind too. She had moved away from doing that though, grown out of it really. "You've been Sakura all along--that'll never change you know."

"Sometimes you have to break hearts to get that happy ending Princess." Axel sighed, a small frown tugging at his lips. "You can't force yourself to feel something to don't anymore, and if you kept trying and still didn't feel something it would only be harder on him and you when it ended."

Sakura had known it, really, but just assuming had felt too much like taking advantage, somehow. Hearing Axel say it out loud was different. It meant a lot, and she wasn't sure how to put that into words so instead she reached out and took his hand, much larger than hers, and knotted their fingers together. "Then maybe it's just Sakura that's changing," she mused. After a moment, she pulled a face at herself. "Okay, I’ve gone crazy or something. Talking about yourself in the third person is never a good sign in anyone not a two year old."

She gave him another smile; sad, but still genuine. "You're right - for once." Even now, she couldn't resist a jab at him. "I guess in the end that's what really made up my mind for me. As much as this'll hurt him, I couldn't exactly lie to him about it. It wouldn't be fair on either of us, but especially not him." She sighed for the umpteenth time that evening. "I think I'll just be single forever. With cats. Lots of cats."

Axel snickered and shook his head. "What are you talking about, talking in third person is perfectly normal." He grinned, and gave her hand a slight squeeze. "No harm in changing. Happens all the time." That was doubly true for the two of them--it seemed like they were constantly changing. Not only in how they were as people, but how they were as friends too. Then again, maybe that did go for everyone and not just them--who knows, growing up was weird.

"Woah, you're admitting I'm right? Maybe tallking in third person did knock a few screws lose." A joke again, Axel was starting to think that's how he dealt with serious topics. Lead in with a joke, it softens the blow. "Sakura..." A sigh, "Just because this didn't work out with Al doesn't mean you have to commit to a life with cats. Relationships don't always work out. Trust me, I know."

"Oh, if you're calling it normal, I must be going round the bend," Sakura teased back, grin softening as she felt him squeeze her hand. "I like to think I've changed for the better. I've got a long way to go, but I think I've come a long way." She lifted their conjoint hands and let them drop to the bed again. "Apologising to you was probably one of my smarter decisions over the past few years." They didn't bring it up too often, what had happened between them, but Sakura wanted Axel to know how much she appreciated having him in her life again. There was something incredibly comforting about having a friend that you knew you could go to no matter what. Catty was wonderful, and so was Delita, but they didn't know her inside out like Axel did.

"Fffft, I told you. But don't get used to it, I think it's only temporary insanity. Or something." Sakura had never exactly been a shining example of the height of wit. "And no, it's fine. I like cats. You can move in too, it'll be a switch up of the crazy cat lady cliché." She squeezed his hand again despite the joke. He didn't talk about it, but she knew the way his relationship with Roxas had turned out effected him more than he let on.

Axel sighed, shaking his head and giving a small quirk of a grin. "It sounds like you're apologizing again every time you say that. It may have been a smart decision, though I have no idea why you continue to put up with me sometimes, but you don't have to keep bringing it up now and then." It was awkward, and it still stung a bit to remember a time where they weren't friends. "We're good now, no need to lament over how stupid we were back then."

And of course, the banter came in to play as soon as that was all said and done. "Why not throw the whole cliché out the window and get us some dragons then? I hear they're better than cats." Even with his light tone, it was probably easy for Sakura to tell how he felt on the whole relationship front. When it came down to the two of them, they really were open books around each other.

“It's not an apology," Sakura replied simply. "It's a thank you." And she didn't explain any further than that, because if she was honest with herself she knew that she hated dwelling on that time where they hadn't been friends. "We are good now, hmm." It had taken a while to get there; even though she'd initially apologised in fourth year, she'd found herself unable to face him for much of fifth year. Even the beginning of this year had still held some vestiges of awkwardness, although she could still remember staring at the journal page when he'd called her Princess again for the first time in forever. "Okay, i won't lament if you want," she agreed.

Sakura reached over with her other hand and hit Axel upside the head. Lightly, of course. "You and fire, I swear. Other than the fact that they're hugely illegal? I like cats. The cats stay."

"A thank you huh?" Axel muttered, not really expecting an answer. She didn't say anything more on it either, so it was doubtful he'd find out what she meant by that, though he had his ideas on that. "Yeah, no lamenting. It kind of put a sour mood on that whole "we're good" idea." No reason to keep drawing on bad memories when they were in a place to make good ones.

"Hey hey no need to hit me." Axel said, rubbing at the side of his head even though it didn't hurt at all. "And you're just saying that because you know every cat would be freaking jealous of a dragon.

"Mm hmm." Sakura wriggled up a little on the bed, using her free hand to snag one of Axel's pillows for her head. She still hadn't let go with her other hand, and she wasn't really planning to. She wouldn't mention what had induced the fit of tears in the first place, but the way in which her fingers clenched around his every few seconds indicated that it was definitely still at the forefront of her mind. Her eyes slid shut for a moment, puffy and sore from crying, before she forced them open again.

"There's always a need to hit you," she replied airily, trying to fight off the sudden wave of exhaustion threatening her. "And that's a joke, right? Cat's aren't jealous, they're too smart for that. Possessive, maybe, but not jealous. A cat could own a dragon any day, you know." Okay, and now she definitely wasn't making sense.. She didn't mind too much, though.

Axel snickered as her response as he moved to get more comfortable himself. He was careful not to let go of Sakura's hand though. It was obvious she still needed that grip somehow and for some reason, he wasn't about to drop that. "Right. You keep tell yourself that. Personally I think you're just a bit too out of it if you think a cat could own a dragon." And she did seem rather tired--not to mention it was probably well after hours now anyway. "I'm guessing you're going to stay tonight. You'd have to sneak all the way back to Ravenclaw by now."

Sakura's eyes had slipped shut again at this point. Everything else had hit so suddenly today, why not sleep as well? She wasn't quite out of it yet, but she was definitely heading that way. Her hand twitched around Axel's again as she responded, eyes still closed. "I will. Keep t-telling myself I mean. Dragons are--" She broke off to yawn. "Dragons are surprisingly...stupid. Cats are really smart. Ask...Ask Maiko, she always m-manages to find my homework, no matter...where I..."

And if Axel thought there was meant to be an end to that sentence, he'd be right, but he wasn't going to get it out of Sakura any time soon. She would have freaked out completely if she'd heard him tell her that it was now past curfew, but the sound of a few deep, steady breaths and the sight of Sakura curling in on herself slightly would have pointed out to Axel that the pink-haired girl was now, in fact, fast asleep.

Sleep, of course she would fall asleep. Axel laughed, low and light in an effort not to wake her. He waited a few moments before slowly slipping his hand out of hers so he could grab at the blankets at the end of his bed. He pulled the covers up around them and settled back down, starting to feel his own eyes grow heavy with sleep. "Night Princess, here's to hoping you don't freak out over dodging curfew tomorrow morning." He muttered in a tired voice before letting himself drift off as well.