Stress-related issues
How come in this time of the year, just prior to my birthday, I find myself feeling so bad?
So, as I have posted, I recently started a new job. As a salesperson for informatics software, which is a bit more comlicated than I initially thought. It seems this job (as if I didn't know that) entails a lot of technical understanding of software that I have never even seen before. So true, I am (supposedly) granted enough time to acclamate and learn the software, but the reality is that I was suddenly pushed into very deep, very cold water, and I am struggling frantically for air.
I sat at a dinner just recently. A guest from our supplier company in germany has arrived to do a certain tour among some of our clients, and since I have nothing better to do with my time at present, I was given the job of schauffering (I probably spelled that wrong) and keeping him company, so that I'd meet the people he is working with (most of them will be my future clients) and also get a glimpse of how the job is done and what the scene is like.
Now, as you all probably know, I don't really like waking up early in the morning, and I don't like driving through rush hour traffic, but it's a job and I'll take what I'm given without complaining (audibly, that is). No, I want to stress this point; I seriously don't mind doing things I normally would have avoided doing if my boss asks me to. I think that's minimal work ethics, to do the job you're given well and without complaining (at least not unless you have a viable reason). That's why I didn't complain when my boss asked me to sit in on a dinner with said guest (who, by the way, was a very lovely person by the name of Winnie - great sense of humor and truly a great person), since I knew most of my department would not be able to be present, and that we were hosting clients for that dinner.
What's the problem with going on an all-expenses-paid dinner, you ask?
Well, try sitting down for dinner when you are feeling quite sick, with a whole bunch of people who are all about twice your age, and trying to make conversation with them.
Not to mention the fact that they all work in High-Knowledge-Industries (namely pharmaceutical industries) and therefore you don't understand half what they're saying.
I hate feeling stupid. I hate sitting and shutting up, feeling that I can't contribute to the discussion even when the topic was mundane things like cars or sports. It seemed that there was not one topic we went through that I wasn't the least knowledgable of.
Sure, I could've tried to dominate the conversation and spur some new topics that I can maneuver in. But I was scared to the bone. I'm supposed to sell software in hundreds of thousands of dollars to these people. What if I'd look stupid? Hell, that is only a matter of time if I open my mouth. I'm bound to say something wrong and these people will know, they'll be too polite to say, but they'll know, and I'll be gone, gone, gone.
So I shut the hell up, and tried to understand them. Tried to read them, tried to see them. But couldn't. I was so absorbed in my own self and fears and thoughts that I couldn't. And when the dinner was over, I tried to say goodbye, to casually-like maintain the friendly appearance. So I shook hands with one of them, who seemed quite surprised that I did (he later didn't even reckonize me, not by my name or my face. I, apparently, had made no lasting impression what-so-ever on him), another, who seemed to somehow appreciate the place I was in (perhaps), and then I tried approaching the one standing in between them, but couldn't. I can't even explain why, but for some reason I couldn't. He was looking like he was avoiding me, like his body language was saying "don't make me embarrased by shaking your hand, I don't even remember your name or know what the hell you're doing here."
So I reacted on instinct and didn't shake his hand. Said hello (and shake hands) with the last of them, standing a bit to the side and took off with our guest whom I said I'd take back to the hotel.
And for some reason, I still think of that moment, I still feel like killing myself, for not shaking his hand. I have no idea why. All of them are high ranking officials in the company I'll be trying my best to sell too. But for some reason I feel I missed something in that moment, some chance. I don't know.
Ofcourse, I've given here a partial description. I could think of many other reasons why the evening went the way it did. But I still can't shake this feeling.
Which leads me to another issue. I'm feeling like I'm not the right man for this job. Too meek, or perhaps too late in showing my not-so-meek side. I hate all the fast-talks, all the sales-oriented approach. I like really understanding things. I like evaluating things in my head. I like knowing what I'm talking about, speaking from experience, especially when I'm standing in the company of my betters. I don't like making awkward, stupid mistakes, and I don't like talking about issues I have no clue in.
Sure, I can do it... And quite well. But I don't like it. Not one bit.
--> Slight intervention: I was just asked by our division's secretary to do a small typing job in excell. Now that, I can do, easily and quickly, and therefore I like it. But had my boss been here, she wouldn't have asked, and had she asked, he probably would've frowned upon it, saying that I have better things to do (I don't; what he'd mean is that I shouldn't be occupied by small scale stuff that she can take care of herself. It doesn't matter that what takes me two minutes might take her two hours and lots of frustration. It matters that I shouldn't sink myself back into a status of a sidekick like I did in Teva.)
But damn it, I liked being a sidekick. I was good at it. Working behind the scenes, making things happen and tick like they should. Slowly and steadily pushing things toward where I wanted them, making the needed connections, slowly persuading people to seeing things my way because I presented them with examples, with data, with facts - with which they couldn't argue.
Arg. Perhaps I should rething this whole new job think.
But on the other hand there is a very big item that I can't ignore, that pushes me to do my best and stay in this job.
Working as a sidekick may be fun and emotionally rewarding, but it doesn't pay half as well.
Not to mention the so-called benefits (such as car, cell-phone, etc.)
Arg.
I told myself I'd give it at least three months. That should give me enough time to gather some money, and enough time to fully evaluate how good I can be in this job, and is the product I'm selling actually sellable.
So I guess we'll have to wait and see. So far it's been two weeks. I hope I won't continue to feel so bad with what I do. Maybe I'll get better at this...
I hope so.
So, as I have posted, I recently started a new job. As a salesperson for informatics software, which is a bit more comlicated than I initially thought. It seems this job (as if I didn't know that) entails a lot of technical understanding of software that I have never even seen before. So true, I am (supposedly) granted enough time to acclamate and learn the software, but the reality is that I was suddenly pushed into very deep, very cold water, and I am struggling frantically for air.
I sat at a dinner just recently. A guest from our supplier company in germany has arrived to do a certain tour among some of our clients, and since I have nothing better to do with my time at present, I was given the job of schauffering (I probably spelled that wrong) and keeping him company, so that I'd meet the people he is working with (most of them will be my future clients) and also get a glimpse of how the job is done and what the scene is like.
Now, as you all probably know, I don't really like waking up early in the morning, and I don't like driving through rush hour traffic, but it's a job and I'll take what I'm given without complaining (audibly, that is). No, I want to stress this point; I seriously don't mind doing things I normally would have avoided doing if my boss asks me to. I think that's minimal work ethics, to do the job you're given well and without complaining (at least not unless you have a viable reason). That's why I didn't complain when my boss asked me to sit in on a dinner with said guest (who, by the way, was a very lovely person by the name of Winnie - great sense of humor and truly a great person), since I knew most of my department would not be able to be present, and that we were hosting clients for that dinner.
What's the problem with going on an all-expenses-paid dinner, you ask?
Well, try sitting down for dinner when you are feeling quite sick, with a whole bunch of people who are all about twice your age, and trying to make conversation with them.
Not to mention the fact that they all work in High-Knowledge-Industries (namely pharmaceutical industries) and therefore you don't understand half what they're saying.
I hate feeling stupid. I hate sitting and shutting up, feeling that I can't contribute to the discussion even when the topic was mundane things like cars or sports. It seemed that there was not one topic we went through that I wasn't the least knowledgable of.
Sure, I could've tried to dominate the conversation and spur some new topics that I can maneuver in. But I was scared to the bone. I'm supposed to sell software in hundreds of thousands of dollars to these people. What if I'd look stupid? Hell, that is only a matter of time if I open my mouth. I'm bound to say something wrong and these people will know, they'll be too polite to say, but they'll know, and I'll be gone, gone, gone.
So I shut the hell up, and tried to understand them. Tried to read them, tried to see them. But couldn't. I was so absorbed in my own self and fears and thoughts that I couldn't. And when the dinner was over, I tried to say goodbye, to casually-like maintain the friendly appearance. So I shook hands with one of them, who seemed quite surprised that I did (he later didn't even reckonize me, not by my name or my face. I, apparently, had made no lasting impression what-so-ever on him), another, who seemed to somehow appreciate the place I was in (perhaps), and then I tried approaching the one standing in between them, but couldn't. I can't even explain why, but for some reason I couldn't. He was looking like he was avoiding me, like his body language was saying "don't make me embarrased by shaking your hand, I don't even remember your name or know what the hell you're doing here."
So I reacted on instinct and didn't shake his hand. Said hello (and shake hands) with the last of them, standing a bit to the side and took off with our guest whom I said I'd take back to the hotel.
And for some reason, I still think of that moment, I still feel like killing myself, for not shaking his hand. I have no idea why. All of them are high ranking officials in the company I'll be trying my best to sell too. But for some reason I feel I missed something in that moment, some chance. I don't know.
Ofcourse, I've given here a partial description. I could think of many other reasons why the evening went the way it did. But I still can't shake this feeling.
Which leads me to another issue. I'm feeling like I'm not the right man for this job. Too meek, or perhaps too late in showing my not-so-meek side. I hate all the fast-talks, all the sales-oriented approach. I like really understanding things. I like evaluating things in my head. I like knowing what I'm talking about, speaking from experience, especially when I'm standing in the company of my betters. I don't like making awkward, stupid mistakes, and I don't like talking about issues I have no clue in.
Sure, I can do it... And quite well. But I don't like it. Not one bit.
--> Slight intervention: I was just asked by our division's secretary to do a small typing job in excell. Now that, I can do, easily and quickly, and therefore I like it. But had my boss been here, she wouldn't have asked, and had she asked, he probably would've frowned upon it, saying that I have better things to do (I don't; what he'd mean is that I shouldn't be occupied by small scale stuff that she can take care of herself. It doesn't matter that what takes me two minutes might take her two hours and lots of frustration. It matters that I shouldn't sink myself back into a status of a sidekick like I did in Teva.)
But damn it, I liked being a sidekick. I was good at it. Working behind the scenes, making things happen and tick like they should. Slowly and steadily pushing things toward where I wanted them, making the needed connections, slowly persuading people to seeing things my way because I presented them with examples, with data, with facts - with which they couldn't argue.
Arg. Perhaps I should rething this whole new job think.
But on the other hand there is a very big item that I can't ignore, that pushes me to do my best and stay in this job.
Working as a sidekick may be fun and emotionally rewarding, but it doesn't pay half as well.
Not to mention the so-called benefits (such as car, cell-phone, etc.)
Arg.
I told myself I'd give it at least three months. That should give me enough time to gather some money, and enough time to fully evaluate how good I can be in this job, and is the product I'm selling actually sellable.
So I guess we'll have to wait and see. So far it's been two weeks. I hope I won't continue to feel so bad with what I do. Maybe I'll get better at this...
I hope so.