Reflection...
It has been almost exactly two years since I went to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona in Gainesville with Jason, Olivia, Yue and Collipi and realized how far out of whack my priorities had gotten...
Beyond the surface level content, a story of a bizarre love triangle, it was sort of symbolic to me... haha I know it sounds cheesy, but it is true.
Cristina went away to Spain and realized that what was waiting for her back home wasn't what she really wanted. She had settled for something safe and convenient and wasn't really happy. In steps Javiar Bardin...
I was in a place where I had started questioning the things I'd always wanted, feeling embarrassed to be myself, even among the people I was closest to. I felt pretentious for applying to the schools I'd applied to, even though they had always been a dream of mine. Had I been admitted, it would have somehow been a betrayal, because I value my academic future and career above staying within driving distance of certain people. I felt inhibited to talk about my aspirations, again for fear of being viewed as overly ambitious or pompous or something of that nature. I was told I use words that are "too big," and felt inclined to try to alter my vernacular, although playing with words has always been fun to me (and I'm not even particularly good at it)... My attempts at encouragement were viewed as back-handed attempts to belittle. Singing along to songs was an annoyance and prohibited.
I felt constantly insecure... Comments about this girl who is so great or that one... every weekend I was reassured, but every Monday the worry started again. Later it was confirmed that the questions I'd had weren't so off base..
Yet to preserve this state, I had started to give up my plans to transfer schools, reconsider my plans to study abroad, hold back my opinion, etc. I know that everything involves compromise, and for a while I thought I could compromise on quite a bit. That movie was somehow a wake-up call. I'd been compromising on the wrong things...
I have never been happier than in this past year. And I am doing exactly what I want to do. Every decision ultimately comes from me. I don't feel like I have to try to stay appealing, stay interesting, stay fun. The people who are in my life at this point accept me the way I am. If we differ on something, we can talk about it, and a contrary opinion isn't viewed as an attack on the other person's intellect, just a different perspective. This is what college is all about, what growing up is all about. There are people who are still stuck in the old rut, and I am sick of trying to cater to them. And I won't anymore.
Beyond the surface level content, a story of a bizarre love triangle, it was sort of symbolic to me... haha I know it sounds cheesy, but it is true.
Cristina went away to Spain and realized that what was waiting for her back home wasn't what she really wanted. She had settled for something safe and convenient and wasn't really happy. In steps Javiar Bardin...
I was in a place where I had started questioning the things I'd always wanted, feeling embarrassed to be myself, even among the people I was closest to. I felt pretentious for applying to the schools I'd applied to, even though they had always been a dream of mine. Had I been admitted, it would have somehow been a betrayal, because I value my academic future and career above staying within driving distance of certain people. I felt inhibited to talk about my aspirations, again for fear of being viewed as overly ambitious or pompous or something of that nature. I was told I use words that are "too big," and felt inclined to try to alter my vernacular, although playing with words has always been fun to me (and I'm not even particularly good at it)... My attempts at encouragement were viewed as back-handed attempts to belittle. Singing along to songs was an annoyance and prohibited.
I felt constantly insecure... Comments about this girl who is so great or that one... every weekend I was reassured, but every Monday the worry started again. Later it was confirmed that the questions I'd had weren't so off base..
Yet to preserve this state, I had started to give up my plans to transfer schools, reconsider my plans to study abroad, hold back my opinion, etc. I know that everything involves compromise, and for a while I thought I could compromise on quite a bit. That movie was somehow a wake-up call. I'd been compromising on the wrong things...
I have never been happier than in this past year. And I am doing exactly what I want to do. Every decision ultimately comes from me. I don't feel like I have to try to stay appealing, stay interesting, stay fun. The people who are in my life at this point accept me the way I am. If we differ on something, we can talk about it, and a contrary opinion isn't viewed as an attack on the other person's intellect, just a different perspective. This is what college is all about, what growing up is all about. There are people who are still stuck in the old rut, and I am sick of trying to cater to them. And I won't anymore.