vapor trails
like everyone else, i've had a vision of what i would be doing when i get to my 30s. fast forward to today, i'm a few days before reaching it and i'm as lost as i was when i first heard john mayer's no room for squares when i was still in high school. maybe that's why i'm currently listening to the album. maybe this is why i'm here again. maybe i'm trying to capture a bit of hope from a part of my youth that i've lost along the way.
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in truth, i haven't written anything since i've graduated from my masters. i've been so accustomed to silencing myself that i no longer know how i used to sound like. sometimes i would read my works and remember how i enjoyed digging through myself and finding something there. i used to think that i have a field of boxes in my head, each with a story, an idea, a phrase. i used to think that i want to touch people, be heard though my writing.
but years passed and i can't help but feel invalidated every time i do, and it has spilled to how people treat me. maybe i was an easy target for teasing. maybe i come off as naive. maybe i do look like maryland if i were a state in america (or so they said. i wasn't there when this was mentioned). maybe i don't come as clear as i thought i would when i say things which is why people poke fun at things i used to post online. maybe my works just aren't as "thought-provoking" or "deep" as one's work should be. maybe my words don't amount to anything after all.
i wonder to myself sometimes if everything i've tried to do had any meaning in the long run, towards what i thought i would look like in the future. i tried getting back to writing for games again, but i can't help but feel that i'm only grasping at straws.
nowadays, i'm afraid to dig through myself again; there may be nothing inside after all.
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i don't think i'm as kind or nice as before, or i've learned to try and bare my teeth whenever people try to misconstrue me, or simply make fun of me. i guess i got tired of that too. i don't mind being that one person who can't get the joke. i'd rather be that than a doormat. but even with this, i would like to believe in the best of people without forgetting that they can also be worse than what i can imagine, to see things as it is and not through an emotionally-charged lens.
but what i don't get is how people react to it when i put them in their place or don't take their side when i choose to ask for more information. i'm human; there's a lot of madness in me too.
______________
i don't understand when people say i'm a strong person. i'm just trying to survive, to not unravel. i hold my breath all the time.
_______________
in truth, i haven't written anything since i've graduated from my masters. i've been so accustomed to silencing myself that i no longer know how i used to sound like. sometimes i would read my works and remember how i enjoyed digging through myself and finding something there. i used to think that i have a field of boxes in my head, each with a story, an idea, a phrase. i used to think that i want to touch people, be heard though my writing.
but years passed and i can't help but feel invalidated every time i do, and it has spilled to how people treat me. maybe i was an easy target for teasing. maybe i come off as naive. maybe i do look like maryland if i were a state in america (or so they said. i wasn't there when this was mentioned). maybe i don't come as clear as i thought i would when i say things which is why people poke fun at things i used to post online. maybe my works just aren't as "thought-provoking" or "deep" as one's work should be. maybe my words don't amount to anything after all.
i wonder to myself sometimes if everything i've tried to do had any meaning in the long run, towards what i thought i would look like in the future. i tried getting back to writing for games again, but i can't help but feel that i'm only grasping at straws.
nowadays, i'm afraid to dig through myself again; there may be nothing inside after all.
______________
i don't think i'm as kind or nice as before, or i've learned to try and bare my teeth whenever people try to misconstrue me, or simply make fun of me. i guess i got tired of that too. i don't mind being that one person who can't get the joke. i'd rather be that than a doormat. but even with this, i would like to believe in the best of people without forgetting that they can also be worse than what i can imagine, to see things as it is and not through an emotionally-charged lens.
but what i don't get is how people react to it when i put them in their place or don't take their side when i choose to ask for more information. i'm human; there's a lot of madness in me too.
______________
i don't understand when people say i'm a strong person. i'm just trying to survive, to not unravel. i hold my breath all the time.