pride and poise
confidence is something that is a scarcity for me. i generally do not have confidence in most things i do no matter what people say about it. i would find ways to doubt myself, and perhaps it's something that's been imbedded into my character by my parents over the years. but, up until last year, there has always been that one thing that i always thought i could be really good at: relationships. until that point, i had pride in that, that i felt i would be an all-around good girlfriend to have (minus of course the several external factors that usually plays an unfortunately big role in the relationships i've been in). i believed that i was, or at least i tried to the best of my ability. love was always an all or all for me, really. i felt like i knew what love was, how love worked, and strived for it, worked towards it, because whoever it was i was with, i always thought of them as my end-game.
but betrayal and blame can do a lot of things to a person, could put so much doubt in someone who's had so much to give. and basically i felt that i could no longer be that person i was anymore, no matter how much i want to be that person i used to be. for the past year, i have been struggling with myself as i continued to try and control my emotions with logic but these two never see eye-to-eye. and i can't seem to control these feelings and these thoughts as well as before, going on both extremes, never meeting in between. all one can do is scream, but i can only do so internally, because i had to be ok. i had to move on. it doesn't help that people also say things like "sometimes it takes a bad break-up to find the one"; the question at that back of this statement is "what if i make a mistake again?", and frankly i don't think my heart could take any more of that.
but this year, i've dug myself a different hole that i can't seem to get out from. all out of fear.
could i blame the past? perhaps. i seriously believe that i can't deal with any more pain than what was experienced during those first few months of not knowing, and as a defense mechanism, i've pulled up so many walls unconsciously but i do not know how to pull them down. it feels like the past is infinitely looping in the back of my mind. i have been screaming for so long that there are days that i don't notice the noise inside me anymore, like it is a part of my system. it is like the sound of white noise, and it could be only heard when i stop moving. so i have to keep moving. but these walls keep echoing these screams and they are getting louder. and i know this isn't sustainable, but what else could i do? could i be blamed if i shrink away whenever i feel something? when i know that feelings come and go?
i can't make sound judgments about my own feelings and what has been happening for the past few months because of these screams. maybe whatever i've been feeling was out of loneliness. or the desire for just someone to hear me out, to see me. maybe i've been hoping for someone to save me from all of this, to prove me wrong. i don't want to put myself in that precarious situation of letting my heart out and being left behind once again (and at the back of my mind, someone screams "sometimes it takes a bad break-up to find the one"). at the same time, i'm afraid because of the external factors that play an important, yet unnecessary, role in every relationship i've been with thus far. not to mention financial stability and the possible different views (religion, philosophical, what-have-you) that may result to conflict.
everything is all out of fear. it is clear to me that i could not possibly be able to function in a relationship at this point. yet at the same time, i feel like i just need someone to pull me back down and tell me it's ok. i need consistency. it has been a year, and i have been losing myself little by little everyday with each laughter and smile i have to pull underneath me in order to survive another day because that is what is expected of me. the masks i wear everyday are turning me into either a shell of what i was or reverting me back into a child. but my ability to endure is at its limit and i feel like the person that i used to be, perhaps the real me, could drift away any moment now and no one would notice. not even the people who would claim to love me could not even see me for what i truly am and what i have become.
i do not like what i am becoming as of the moment. and i need someone to see through all of this to save me from it. but that wish is also unwarranted as i know that only i can pull myself out of this hole. i am trying my best. i try not to complain about it. i know there are things that shouldn't be felt in the first place but there it is. it's forever looping, and i wish i could just stop feeling because it hurts to feel like a concept that people push me to be and be loved by it when i could have been so much more. and i was. and now it's gone. and all i could do is look ok because that's how people would want me to be.
but betrayal and blame can do a lot of things to a person, could put so much doubt in someone who's had so much to give. and basically i felt that i could no longer be that person i was anymore, no matter how much i want to be that person i used to be. for the past year, i have been struggling with myself as i continued to try and control my emotions with logic but these two never see eye-to-eye. and i can't seem to control these feelings and these thoughts as well as before, going on both extremes, never meeting in between. all one can do is scream, but i can only do so internally, because i had to be ok. i had to move on. it doesn't help that people also say things like "sometimes it takes a bad break-up to find the one"; the question at that back of this statement is "what if i make a mistake again?", and frankly i don't think my heart could take any more of that.
but this year, i've dug myself a different hole that i can't seem to get out from. all out of fear.
could i blame the past? perhaps. i seriously believe that i can't deal with any more pain than what was experienced during those first few months of not knowing, and as a defense mechanism, i've pulled up so many walls unconsciously but i do not know how to pull them down. it feels like the past is infinitely looping in the back of my mind. i have been screaming for so long that there are days that i don't notice the noise inside me anymore, like it is a part of my system. it is like the sound of white noise, and it could be only heard when i stop moving. so i have to keep moving. but these walls keep echoing these screams and they are getting louder. and i know this isn't sustainable, but what else could i do? could i be blamed if i shrink away whenever i feel something? when i know that feelings come and go?
i can't make sound judgments about my own feelings and what has been happening for the past few months because of these screams. maybe whatever i've been feeling was out of loneliness. or the desire for just someone to hear me out, to see me. maybe i've been hoping for someone to save me from all of this, to prove me wrong. i don't want to put myself in that precarious situation of letting my heart out and being left behind once again (and at the back of my mind, someone screams "sometimes it takes a bad break-up to find the one"). at the same time, i'm afraid because of the external factors that play an important, yet unnecessary, role in every relationship i've been with thus far. not to mention financial stability and the possible different views (religion, philosophical, what-have-you) that may result to conflict.
everything is all out of fear. it is clear to me that i could not possibly be able to function in a relationship at this point. yet at the same time, i feel like i just need someone to pull me back down and tell me it's ok. i need consistency. it has been a year, and i have been losing myself little by little everyday with each laughter and smile i have to pull underneath me in order to survive another day because that is what is expected of me. the masks i wear everyday are turning me into either a shell of what i was or reverting me back into a child. but my ability to endure is at its limit and i feel like the person that i used to be, perhaps the real me, could drift away any moment now and no one would notice. not even the people who would claim to love me could not even see me for what i truly am and what i have become.
i do not like what i am becoming as of the moment. and i need someone to see through all of this to save me from it. but that wish is also unwarranted as i know that only i can pull myself out of this hole. i am trying my best. i try not to complain about it. i know there are things that shouldn't be felt in the first place but there it is. it's forever looping, and i wish i could just stop feeling because it hurts to feel like a concept that people push me to be and be loved by it when i could have been so much more. and i was. and now it's gone. and all i could do is look ok because that's how people would want me to be.