(no subject)
Abandonment is not unique to gay men, nor are any other forms of relationship trauma. Still, I am always taken aback by the stories of gay men who have been suddenly and utterly abandoned by their partners. It’s the old melodrama of the husband who goes to work and runs off with his secretary, never returning home. The wife finds out from a letter, a phone call, or the nosy neighbor who’s just heard the latest gossip. Abandonment is so deeply wounding because it allows no room for closure and leaves myriad unanswered questions. What went wrong? Why didn’t you say something earlier? How did I not see it coming? What did I do to drive you away? The gay man who suddenly abandons his partner almost always does so because of a secondary emotion of shame. When he feels angry in the relationship, it immediately goes into shame for feeling angry. When he senses the relationship failing, he is subsequently overcome with shame at the failure. He cannot talk with his partner about the problems because he feels so much shame about his role in creating the problems. No matter what is happening in the relationship, his final response is shame.
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Obviously, this becomes unbearable. He cannot see a way out of the misery until another opportunity comes into his life. He suddenly takes a job in another city, moves in with a new boyfriend, or moves out of the house when his partner is out of town. Because he cannot face the overwhelming shame of admitting the problems and working through them, he runs away
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The aftereffects of abandonment are devastating for the abandoned. In the vacuum created by unanswered questions and unresolved feelings, he almost always turns inward and blames himself for the abandonment. Even the most confident gay men find themselves undermined and confused. A unique form of abandonment occurs when a gay man abandons his partner emotionally. He withdraws into himself and begins to live a private life, one that is separate from his relationship. He suppresses, masks, and blunts his emotions when around his partner, presenting a skewed version of himself to his partner. It’s not unusual for the gay man who emotionally withdraws to privately complain that his partner doesn’t understand him, and, therefore, wonder what’s the point of revealing his true thoughts and feelings to him. And while this may be true, now that he is withdrawn, what choice does the partner have but to not understand him? Emotional withdrawal is often triggered by perceived invalidation within a relationship. Perceived invalidation can come in many forms, but the end result is the feeling that your partner doesn’t understand or isn’t willing to see your side of the story. It can be as simple as the gay man who makes pasta every week, oblivious to the fact that his partner doesn’t like pasta and who sees this as an invalidating act. Or as big as the gay man who tells his partner what an idiot he’s been for having been in an automobile accident. Regardless of the cause, perceived invalidation on a regular basis elicits emotional withdrawal. Eventually, the invalidated gay man shuts down completely. Emotional abandonment is a two-edged sword. Not only is it traumatic for the person who is abandoned, but it often comes out of distress experienced by the one who abandons. The abandoned man feels lonely, isolated, and rejected. Ironically, the man who abandons usually feels the same. Emotional abandonment is often the precursor to sexual and physical abandonment. First, the gay man stops sharing his most cherished feelings with his partner. Then, slowly, he loses interest in sex. If the cycle isn’t broken, he eventually is likely to abandon the partner altogether, leaving both feeling as if they never really knew each other at all.
The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs
Hmmm. Food for thought.
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Obviously, this becomes unbearable. He cannot see a way out of the misery until another opportunity comes into his life. He suddenly takes a job in another city, moves in with a new boyfriend, or moves out of the house when his partner is out of town. Because he cannot face the overwhelming shame of admitting the problems and working through them, he runs away
...
The aftereffects of abandonment are devastating for the abandoned. In the vacuum created by unanswered questions and unresolved feelings, he almost always turns inward and blames himself for the abandonment. Even the most confident gay men find themselves undermined and confused. A unique form of abandonment occurs when a gay man abandons his partner emotionally. He withdraws into himself and begins to live a private life, one that is separate from his relationship. He suppresses, masks, and blunts his emotions when around his partner, presenting a skewed version of himself to his partner. It’s not unusual for the gay man who emotionally withdraws to privately complain that his partner doesn’t understand him, and, therefore, wonder what’s the point of revealing his true thoughts and feelings to him. And while this may be true, now that he is withdrawn, what choice does the partner have but to not understand him? Emotional withdrawal is often triggered by perceived invalidation within a relationship. Perceived invalidation can come in many forms, but the end result is the feeling that your partner doesn’t understand or isn’t willing to see your side of the story. It can be as simple as the gay man who makes pasta every week, oblivious to the fact that his partner doesn’t like pasta and who sees this as an invalidating act. Or as big as the gay man who tells his partner what an idiot he’s been for having been in an automobile accident. Regardless of the cause, perceived invalidation on a regular basis elicits emotional withdrawal. Eventually, the invalidated gay man shuts down completely. Emotional abandonment is a two-edged sword. Not only is it traumatic for the person who is abandoned, but it often comes out of distress experienced by the one who abandons. The abandoned man feels lonely, isolated, and rejected. Ironically, the man who abandons usually feels the same. Emotional abandonment is often the precursor to sexual and physical abandonment. First, the gay man stops sharing his most cherished feelings with his partner. Then, slowly, he loses interest in sex. If the cycle isn’t broken, he eventually is likely to abandon the partner altogether, leaving both feeling as if they never really knew each other at all.
The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs
Hmmm. Food for thought.