it makes me so sick
he dumped me over 7 months ago, but i'm still sick at the thought. i should be over and done with and moved-on. but i'm not. now that i think about it, it's been me getting dumped, by one after another. i'm almost 23 years old. she has a picture of him that I TOOK in her profile. fucking myspace. why do i do this to myself? i am the most unhealthy i've ever been. physically, mentally. i'm a mess.
take a breath.
i have to remind myself each morning when i wake up.
take one breath.
i miss my nephew. i miss him more and more. he's [not-so] far away in wareham now. out of reach. immersed in love and tranquility. where i once was. but as long as there's a number 1, i'll aways be number 2. or 3. or 3432. whatever. as much as i may have been his savior at times, he was always mine. my friend.
breathe again.
all around me, they're pairing off. i had somethings that were so sweet for years. i took it all for granted, thinking i could always have it. but its been gone for a while now, and i don't see myself getting it back. not until i make some changes. i remember thinking "gee, i'll never be alone." now i bite my lip until it bleeds. i clench my jaw until my head aches. i eat until i vomit, or want to. i gulp hoping to fill the void, but only end up with a hangover. if only he was here now. maybe i wouldn't feel so... by myself...
choke.
my other-half from senior year texted me a few weeks ago. there was talk of getting together, catching up. i was elated. i was so amazed that this girl finally shed her shell and contacted me. but shortly after talking, her phone malfunctions, or "something" and i don't hear from her. hope lost.
gag.
and back around in my head, it comes to him again. 3 years. gone. and i'm too disgusted with his behavior that i don't think i can ever forgive him. or her. i despise the idea of them so much, i make myself ill. i hate it. i hate them. i hate myself for letting them get to me. i'm better than this. but i'm not.
here i am. worse than ever.
take a breath.
i have to remind myself each morning when i wake up.
take one breath.
i miss my nephew. i miss him more and more. he's [not-so] far away in wareham now. out of reach. immersed in love and tranquility. where i once was. but as long as there's a number 1, i'll aways be number 2. or 3. or 3432. whatever. as much as i may have been his savior at times, he was always mine. my friend.
breathe again.
all around me, they're pairing off. i had somethings that were so sweet for years. i took it all for granted, thinking i could always have it. but its been gone for a while now, and i don't see myself getting it back. not until i make some changes. i remember thinking "gee, i'll never be alone." now i bite my lip until it bleeds. i clench my jaw until my head aches. i eat until i vomit, or want to. i gulp hoping to fill the void, but only end up with a hangover. if only he was here now. maybe i wouldn't feel so... by myself...
choke.
my other-half from senior year texted me a few weeks ago. there was talk of getting together, catching up. i was elated. i was so amazed that this girl finally shed her shell and contacted me. but shortly after talking, her phone malfunctions, or "something" and i don't hear from her. hope lost.
gag.
and back around in my head, it comes to him again. 3 years. gone. and i'm too disgusted with his behavior that i don't think i can ever forgive him. or her. i despise the idea of them so much, i make myself ill. i hate it. i hate them. i hate myself for letting them get to me. i'm better than this. but i'm not.
here i am. worse than ever.