Betrayed by the very passion that I craved so much
I feel betrayed... I feel taken advantage of. I feel like my entire world has been thrown askew... That I know nothing, have no ability to find which way is up and which way is down... PEA, Phenylethylamine... the fucking chemical that changed my life. It all makes so much sense. I feel betrayed by the fact that he knew. he knew all along. Told me the entire time. "Infatuated"
Infatuation: a ridiculous emotion that is fleeting, known as fools love. Overpowering, uncontrollable, all consuming, like a fire burning passionately and volatile deep inside burning away every dredge of common sense and reality. A fire that burns everything in its path leaving nothing but emptiness in its wake. Oh how short a time doth that fire burn...
Is that what happened to me? Is this what I have been reduced to? "Infatuation?" I feel sick in my stomach. Why didn't I see...? The stages, is this where I am? At a stage on a chart made for the infatuated...
Sticken - That night at Fitzwilly's... I realized then that he was special to me in some way. Struck dead.
Intrusive thinking - Nothing I could do or say could get him out of my head. Every decision was connected to him in some way. Connected to the need to see his face at least once...
Idealization - His looks, his personality, his intelligence... overpowering, overwhelming... Terrifying.
The Emotional Rollercoaster - Realizing what he meant by "crush," "Love," and "infatuated." Where do I go from here? Fools love.
P...E...A... my body is in turmoil. I wanted him so much I ached. I still do. What do I do with this? Knowing that soon it will end... PEA, please end already.
I am so lost... how can I love myself when all I do is betray me? Can I burn those parts of me away? Lesion the crap out of all the portions of my cerebellum that cause me to love? Take a drug that blocks the release of such deadly chemicals? Who the fuck am I?
Does he fullfill some subconcious ideal that I obviously wasn't aware existed? Is it possible to continue despite the knowledge that all was founded on a fickle chemical? Save me Harville... tell me how to keep this... turn it into something... stupid. He knows. He knew. He never promised anything... Not that I ever asked.
Infatuation: a ridiculous emotion that is fleeting, known as fools love. Overpowering, uncontrollable, all consuming, like a fire burning passionately and volatile deep inside burning away every dredge of common sense and reality. A fire that burns everything in its path leaving nothing but emptiness in its wake. Oh how short a time doth that fire burn...
Is that what happened to me? Is this what I have been reduced to? "Infatuation?" I feel sick in my stomach. Why didn't I see...? The stages, is this where I am? At a stage on a chart made for the infatuated...
Sticken - That night at Fitzwilly's... I realized then that he was special to me in some way. Struck dead.
Intrusive thinking - Nothing I could do or say could get him out of my head. Every decision was connected to him in some way. Connected to the need to see his face at least once...
Idealization - His looks, his personality, his intelligence... overpowering, overwhelming... Terrifying.
The Emotional Rollercoaster - Realizing what he meant by "crush," "Love," and "infatuated." Where do I go from here? Fools love.
P...E...A... my body is in turmoil. I wanted him so much I ached. I still do. What do I do with this? Knowing that soon it will end... PEA, please end already.
I am so lost... how can I love myself when all I do is betray me? Can I burn those parts of me away? Lesion the crap out of all the portions of my cerebellum that cause me to love? Take a drug that blocks the release of such deadly chemicals? Who the fuck am I?
Does he fullfill some subconcious ideal that I obviously wasn't aware existed? Is it possible to continue despite the knowledge that all was founded on a fickle chemical? Save me Harville... tell me how to keep this... turn it into something... stupid. He knows. He knew. He never promised anything... Not that I ever asked.