Spiralling into a black abyss Mood: Apathetic
Being in control of you life is hard to do. More like, not letting parts of your life control you is hard to do.
I have this small rash on my face, pesorial dermatitis to be exact, well not really exact because I'm almost 100% sure that I spelled it wrong, but that's besides the point. The point is is that its red, near my mouth and big enough to notice. This inconvenience on my face has controlled every single movement, decision, and choice that I have made for three weeks and counting. Choices so finite and small that when I stop and think about them, I find myself amazed. Examples of these choices that my rash decides:
Where I sit on a bus. Make sure that the left side of your face ins't facing outwards. Of course no one can see it that way.
Where make-up is applied, and for that matter, the fact that make-up is being applied at all.
How much make-up is applied, if and when (and more lately often). Will a few small dabs hurt or help? Dammit I put too much, now I have to wipe it some off. Shit my skin is flaking! Now I have to scratch the flakes off. DAMMIT, it's even redder than before! FUCK ME!
How I fix my hair. How can I angle my side bang just right so that the left half of my face is covered? For that matter, let me truly express to you the severity of the situation. I didn't even have bangs before this damn rash and when I went to cut my hair I spontaneously decided that side bangs could possibly cover my face. This led to:
Telling the hair dresser where to cut in order to make the bang fall on the side of my face I wanted covered. Did it work? No.
it covers the good half of my face so now I've succeeded in emphasizing it even more!
So what do I take away from all of this?
I should have made an appointment with the dermatologist BEFORE Spring Break so I could have saved myself two weeks of agonizing, pain staking energy, hard work, and embarrassment. No, I don't care about valuable life lessons and all that crap. You get an obnoxious rash on your face and see how you handle that horrible feeling that EVERYONE is staring at it and that no one can talk to you without noticing it.
Fucking dermatitis....
I have this small rash on my face, pesorial dermatitis to be exact, well not really exact because I'm almost 100% sure that I spelled it wrong, but that's besides the point. The point is is that its red, near my mouth and big enough to notice. This inconvenience on my face has controlled every single movement, decision, and choice that I have made for three weeks and counting. Choices so finite and small that when I stop and think about them, I find myself amazed. Examples of these choices that my rash decides:
Where I sit on a bus. Make sure that the left side of your face ins't facing outwards. Of course no one can see it that way.
Where make-up is applied, and for that matter, the fact that make-up is being applied at all.
How much make-up is applied, if and when (and more lately often). Will a few small dabs hurt or help? Dammit I put too much, now I have to wipe it some off. Shit my skin is flaking! Now I have to scratch the flakes off. DAMMIT, it's even redder than before! FUCK ME!
How I fix my hair. How can I angle my side bang just right so that the left half of my face is covered? For that matter, let me truly express to you the severity of the situation. I didn't even have bangs before this damn rash and when I went to cut my hair I spontaneously decided that side bangs could possibly cover my face. This led to:
Telling the hair dresser where to cut in order to make the bang fall on the side of my face I wanted covered. Did it work? No.
it covers the good half of my face so now I've succeeded in emphasizing it even more!
So what do I take away from all of this?
I should have made an appointment with the dermatologist BEFORE Spring Break so I could have saved myself two weeks of agonizing, pain staking energy, hard work, and embarrassment. No, I don't care about valuable life lessons and all that crap. You get an obnoxious rash on your face and see how you handle that horrible feeling that EVERYONE is staring at it and that no one can talk to you without noticing it.
Fucking dermatitis....