Self-pity and pretentiousness or struggle and confusion?
I feel like we're severely understaffed and that the Executive Director is a machine. I don't think I could perform the way she does unless I got into speed, but I won't so I'm stuck. A month ago I thought I would get refocused and recommited if I only had time to vacation-- and then the offices got flooded and I was only able to work part-time for a whole month (which should have been great but ended up being just as stressful.
I'm worried that this feeling of overwhelming inadequacy at my job isn't going to wear off. I'm not meant to be a secretary/ business assistant and my boss knows it. She hired me because I have the vision/passion/dedication in her employees and not because I have an organizationally scientific mind. I guess if I'm going to think seriously about school I need to learn to suck it up and just push through, you know, strengthen my work ethic and self-discipline.
I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself before I'm completely happy and healthy and I can't seem to stick to yoga and eating well and exercising. I'm just going to work and hanging out (and going out) with different acquaintances and friends and make-out buddies cuz that social fulfillment seems to be what I need emotionally. I think I must still not be over the last boyfriend. I'm having trouble motivating myself to do anything by myself. My house just seems so empty and it makes me anxious to get out of it. And when I have company I don't want to leave it.
Or am I too comfortable? Am I not being creative because there is no higher authority/power that will punish me for not being creatively productive? Do I need school to push me in this way?
I missed my first (of six) poetry classes because I didn't give myself enough time to clean my house before I hosted Greta's going away party. I feel guilty about not taking the (community) class seriously enough, but getting the house looking and feeling cozy was the right thing to do cuz they both had a great time and I'm happy to have been a part of making that happen.
But I just had a meeting with my photo mentor and we started to plan out how I could spend this $200 "Emerging Voices Photographer" scholarship I got and now that the deadlines for completion are real, I know I have to start allotting time to the project.
I'm really excited about having a project. An ART PROJECT. It's been a while since I've given time to the indulgently creative. I'm really ready to grow as an artist and photographer. I hope that the photos that come out of this can morph into a portfolio to pitch to schools this year.
I just hope I can avoid shooting myself in the foot this time.
I'm worried that this feeling of overwhelming inadequacy at my job isn't going to wear off. I'm not meant to be a secretary/ business assistant and my boss knows it. She hired me because I have the vision/passion/dedication in her employees and not because I have an organizationally scientific mind. I guess if I'm going to think seriously about school I need to learn to suck it up and just push through, you know, strengthen my work ethic and self-discipline.
I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself before I'm completely happy and healthy and I can't seem to stick to yoga and eating well and exercising. I'm just going to work and hanging out (and going out) with different acquaintances and friends and make-out buddies cuz that social fulfillment seems to be what I need emotionally. I think I must still not be over the last boyfriend. I'm having trouble motivating myself to do anything by myself. My house just seems so empty and it makes me anxious to get out of it. And when I have company I don't want to leave it.
Or am I too comfortable? Am I not being creative because there is no higher authority/power that will punish me for not being creatively productive? Do I need school to push me in this way?
I missed my first (of six) poetry classes because I didn't give myself enough time to clean my house before I hosted Greta's going away party. I feel guilty about not taking the (community) class seriously enough, but getting the house looking and feeling cozy was the right thing to do cuz they both had a great time and I'm happy to have been a part of making that happen.
But I just had a meeting with my photo mentor and we started to plan out how I could spend this $200 "Emerging Voices Photographer" scholarship I got and now that the deadlines for completion are real, I know I have to start allotting time to the project.
I'm really excited about having a project. An ART PROJECT. It's been a while since I've given time to the indulgently creative. I'm really ready to grow as an artist and photographer. I hope that the photos that come out of this can morph into a portfolio to pitch to schools this year.
I just hope I can avoid shooting myself in the foot this time.