On the road of redemption..
And you feel the eyes upon you, as youre shaking off the cold
You pretend it doesnt bother you, but you just want to explode
Some thoughts on recent events...
I realize I don't sit and write as much as I'd like to but I know I can just as easily be a full time blogger. Reading over some of the online blogs I've come across I know I can grab your attention and keep it while long series of paragraphs just flow through the screen and before you know it I've made you read well over 5 pages worth of material. Its my own form of written conversation since I don't have the opportunity to engage in it with those around me as much as I'd like to. Don't get me wrong the talks I had the last few weeks with professors and some classmates and several friends were cool and all, but it simply wasn't enough.
I've come to notice I stand out a lot. Sometimes by choice but most of the time just by being myself so its no wonder I attract attention. More on this to come, so be patient.
I'm thinking out loud here at the same time I'm typing this up and deciding where to go with this entire post since I have a lot of material to cover.
So I came across a quiz or questionnaire I don't exactly remember now,
but the results it gave me seem to be in tune to how I've been feeling as of late and where I see myself headed. Bear with me, this is a lot of info to read I bet, so if you care to continue read on and you'll get a closer look at what lies beneath.
You are not only a good person... you are a model citizen and a natural leader.
Whether you know it or not, your high moral standards and good judgment is truly rare.
You don't take ethical short cuts in life. You are able to do what's right - even when it's very difficult.
And while it may seem like no one else is as on track as you are, take heart in knowing that you set a good example for others.
[Overall I know it to be true since I go out of my way to help those closest to me and often complete strangers as well, in addition I typically do stuff that would classify as being considerate. I aim to please I guess. Lately I've looked at it as a flaw since I've noticed how many times my generosity isn't appreciated or just taken for granted. Its gotten to the point where I told my cousin recently "given my nature to help, which lately I've been questioning since I felt at times like I've been taken advantage of or was under appreciated I still see the good in helping out. But I have to admit a part of me is turning sour. I hope its just a bad month or something and not a sign of what's to come. I thought about it though and not too many people I know are as enthusiastic about helping out to which got me thinking man I don't seem to fit in here all that well. I can adapt but I guess I just don't fit." Sorta like I'm stuck on the same CD with endless repeat with no chance at listening to a new album and enjoying that experience. If by chance I set an example on others that's cool, but I would hope they use the example to get involved as well.]
You are also probably: Very sensitive and in tune with the world
Right now you are on track to being: A saint
To be a better person: Gently mentor someone who is taking the wrong path in life
[Like I said, given my background and the experience of taking it too far one too many times, I realize now that I don't want to end up doing the SOS the rest of my life. Yes, I'd like to do all kinds of new things like get out of here now and then but at the same time, keeping it fresh so to speak is also a big part that I've been missing for a long time. Only now I've come to realize how much I enjoy that and thrive on it.
When I first started Cal State, the thrill of hanging out with new friends really was great since growing up I didn't have a group like that to spend time with. This past saturday helping out at the Camp really hit it home that I think a part of me wants to give it a try and mentor somebody. I see the difference it can make in a kid's life and I'd be thrilled to help out. Maybe helping out someone in the same situation that I was in growing up see that it isn't that bad and to keep their head up will help both of us out. That's how I've kept in tune lately, especially in seeing S&M do his thing with the kids at school and the nephews and nieces.
Why more people don't offer to help the bright faces that bring smiles with their innocence is beyond me, but I think I'm eventually going to help several of them out.]
You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood.
Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.
[Tortured genius. I know I'm not the smartest cat or maybe I am, but I surely haven't put it to use. Everyone has always said how much potential I have and how my attitude usually makes things a lot easier for me to grasp. Yes I make things difficult lots of times to the point where what needs to get done suffers, but The brilliance is there regardless. Direction and motivation have been lacking, but when both are focused, I have proven to meet the call and even exceed the expectations.
I am misunderstood because I appear to not care, and sometimes for just cause, but usually it's out of frustration. I may not verbally say it, but I contain it internally and refuse to take it out on someone unless they caused it. It'd definitely help to be understood lots of times that way I can get some help with the situation.
I do like isolation that comes from being an island if you will, since I was so accustomed to it growing up - playing on my own or going to and from school on my own. But I always looked to play with others since it was obviously more fun. Living on an island will kill your brain. Isolation is a slow death sometimes, since we all NEED interaction. I've seen it do wonders to my moods and overall vibe countless times to know when I'm in a bad mood I really need to go out and talk to somebody.]
You're so good that you may end up a saint.
You do the right thing a lot more than most people, even when it's near impossible.
[Genuine is one of my key attributes. I don't intentionally harm others and I don't understand why many of us do so countless times. By doing so we only make shit harder on everyone. I do see myself doing the "right" thing when its so seductively easy to do the opposite. Loyalty is practically written in stone in my book. To defy it is a deathblow. Trust and Honesty are right next to it as well.
I lost my train of thought but I still doubt that I'd become a saint.
Although I hope it doesn't come along the same way it did for Tom Joad, but I welcome the chance at reaching as high as that. Its no wonder that book was banned. It really stuck with me in terms of helping out and looking out for your fellow man, woman, etc.]
You put a lot of thought in to every action you do. You always try to make the right decisions.
And that's all it takes to be a truly virtuous person.
[Lately, I have given it more thought. Overall at the moment I'm pleased with the decisions. I don't see where I could've gone wrong to the point of harming someone, but I've noticed the growth and change the last couple months in my attitude and approach to getting what needs to be done completed.]
Where You Are Virtuous
You have the virtue of Tranquility. You do your best to keep your life peaceful and calm.
[Something I have always been told. "You're so easy going man and cool to talk to" I really don't know where I picked it up from but I'm glad I did. For the most part I can see how I actually do make the effort to have a peaceful and calm environment although it always isn't the case.]
You have the virtue of Industry. You know how to do what's useful and avoid time wasters.
You have the virtue of Cleanliness. You keep yourself and your home clean.
[Something that I've needed work the last couple years and only now I'm getting around to correcting. It feels good to see the positive results that come from it and the speed at which things seems to progress for the better. Now if I could only get my room back to where it used to be. lol. Strangely enough, if I'm helping someone clean a room I tend to be insanely meticulous about leaving it spotless. Too bad I haven't taken that approach on my own room because man it sure needs a fix up.]
You have the virtue of Resolution. You are determined to do what you should, no matter how difficult it is.
[Not having quit school in over 8 years despite all the crap I've gone through is the testament to that. I will walk through hell and back for this. Same goes for all those who I hold close to heart. I guess a part of me is a bit delusional maybe but I refuse to give up and I will hammer it out if I truly believe it can be done.]
You have the virtue of Sincerity. You are not deceitful, and you always have the best intentions.
You have the virtue of Silence. You avoid frivolous conversation, and you use your words carefully.
[Not much to add to these two. I always intend to help and look out for others even if I don't know them too well. Its no wonder I can be taken advantage of. My silence only encourages it to continue. That needs work, so does my ability to get it across effectively without seeming to get emotional about it. Best intentions and careful choice of words are a good fit.]
With this running through my head its no wonder I attract the attention I do. What the hell is wrong with me? I should be talking about nonsensical bullshit like Heroes or The Hills or whatever mindless crap is the new hot shit at the moment but not much interests me as of late.
Moving on...
Now with this whole election business going on I'm not even going to dive into the candidates and who I support because I know time and time again people in office will let you down and let you know that you aren't at the top of the list of who is important to them. However you have to call out the bullshit when you see it and it wasn't more apparent than several weeks ago on the news.
Some group or whatever called the republican federation from the inland empire was getting heat for putting out something called "Obama bucks".
Like I said, I don't have a problem with the Reds running their mouth on Team Blue [These are nicknames, not actual markers of who I align myself with] but this was just ridiculous. The blatant disrespect was just too much. How anyone could claim it wasn't a shot at the guy was just full of it.
Here we have a picture of Obama with the following around him: chicken, watermellon, kool aid and ribs.
Seriously now. I don't even have to explain it do I?
Of course, they had to speak to the one guy who didn't know jack.
"how is that racist?...we're about philanthropy. who says its racist? you?"
He followed it up with a comparison to Italian food that just didn't work at all
at showing any sort of similarity to what was attempted with the fake money they produced.
But in all honesty to say it is NOT racist is foolish, those 4 items and how they have been used to portray people of color in a negative way has a long history. What? you don't know about that sorta stuff? c'mon now get real my friend.
I'm surprised they didnt just up and replace Obama with the N word and made it N bucks and plaster it with a sambo instead of Obama.
Like I said, both teams are a joke. But the Reds from the IE sure did fuck up on this one.
Moving on..
Some songs that have hit recently that stirred up a lot of emotion from old memories and how I apply it to where I'm at now.
Parole-
I'm on parole, and i'll never be alone again,
fuck this place baby, I'm coming home again.
Family wrapped around me, so i never be cold again.
[Listening to this brother tell the story about how he went from the hell of prison to the streets and into the studio is a real inspiration that dispite where you may be at, there is always that glimmer of hope you have to hang on to because it will guide you home to where you're supposed to be. I can easily say the last 8 years were spent in mental prison and it wasn't until this past summer that I was released on parole. I actually feel the support wrapped around me for the first time in forever with regards to me getting my degree from whatever school that may be. To have suffered for this long and not given up is a huge indicator of how strong my spirit is, so now that I am showing tremendous focus and enthusiasm to get it done, the support is coming in abundance. It feels good to finally have some even if it isn't a whole lot.]
Mistakes-
Some people learn from mistakes and don't repeat them,
Others try to block the memories and just delete them
But I keep them as a reminder they not killing me,
And I thank God for teaching me humility
Son remember when you fight to be free,
You see things how they are, and not how you like ‘em to be
Cause even when the world is falling on top of me,
Pessimism is an emotion, not a philosophy
Knowing what's wrong, doesn't imply that you right,
And its another when you suffer to apply it in life,
But I'm no rookie, and I'm never gonna make the same mistake twice, pussy
[Definitely one that has stayed in my head since I first heard it. Its one thing to learn from the mistake but its an entirely different when you apply it in the future. Now when it comes to school I'm making sure it comes number one and I put every ounce available into it. In just the last year I've seen the rewards for taking that approach; GPA is back up, Financial Aid is available again, Scholarships, Internships, and overall everything seems to be falling into place for me. For too long pessimism became my philosophy even though I knew I had the power to change it all. I finally made my way back to the road towards graduation and my growing future so I have to remember to stay focus because I've already fallen once and I don't want to repeat that outcome.]
Golpe de Estado-
Cuando controlan el negocio y la cultura
La musica se vuelve en comercial basura
Y la reina latina, pintada como gallina
Es mas que bailarina o puta en la esquina
Es abogada, profesora, madre, soldada
Y carga nuestro futuro cuando esta embarazada
Mira nuestra gente cruzificada
Y la manera desgraciada
Que estos perros no hablan de nada
Mas que en la riquesa
Que la gente no tiene
Asi que ahora vas a ver
La violencia que viene
[Nothing really new here but when I hear it in Spanish it just seems to have a bigger impact for some reason. I see how this neighborhood gets duped into mindless things instead of placing an emphasis on greater good such as school or just overall being a better person. Not sure if I make sense here, but it seems like too many people get discouraged and don't live up to their potential since they fall prey to the negativity from those who have given up long ago. The disrespect the women get is ridiculous and some of it even stems from women who allow it to happen, better yet even encourage that sort of shit. WHY??! It almost seems like deep down they lost hope in finding something meaningful with someone who would treat them right but rather they settle for some garbage fuck who walks all over them. WHY??? Strong aggressive sister falls prey to some douche and then allows herself to transform into a shell of her former being. Sad, really. I've seen too many of them fall by the wayside and countless others who have potential who just for whatever reason chose to turn their back on that possible future. Pride in the neighborhood is lost and shit gets transformed into a slum. If the attitude were different, it could very easily be a place where you can hold your head up and say, yea its a working class joint, but we keep it clean. That just felt like a ramble, so I hope it made some sort of sense there.]
Crimes of the Heart-
yea i turned 21 in prison locked up at night
now i walk around free seems like another life
another roll with some other dice
another ho or a loving wife
people come and go some really you never know
intellectual midgets that really never grow
fake love that holds on like "can i hold you though?"
and old friends will look at you like "yo, yea i told you so"
a toast to the broken hearted
who never finished what they f**kin started
people who go out and try to be a rebel at night
try to make up for the fact that they settled in life
it's like a fight between the devil & Christ over the limelight
spiritual celebrity poker
but the whole deck is full of jokers
and every year that you get older
the stakes get higher
gambling with a bunch of fakes and liars
real talk 'cause the real New York
is the pain and the suffering of lost love
staring off into the distance in the midst of the club
depression and emptiness that lead to suicide
and the struggle inside of yourself that keeps you alive
survived and medicated stalked by sobriety
the life that you live now tortured by memories violently
i pray in sodomy that one day you could be forgiven
for murdering the beautiful world we used to live in
love...doesn't need a complicated metaphor
and sometimes nothing needs to be said at all
sometimes a person you with is not your one and only
and you just f**k with them because you afraid to be lonely
and when you come back its too late
so you overcompensate
like victims of rape
full of self hate
lost in the affection to strangers around you
instead of the only person that ever gave a f**k about you
thought you were happy so you didn't come check me
but then when he cheated or treated you incorrectly
you conveniently realized you could never forget me
and tried to crawl back in my life unexpectedly
these are my indictments
of those who claim to be righteous
and leave a trail of broken hearts on their way to enlightenment
but i cant give into hatred or pass judgment
even towards every allusion i've been in love with
'cause the heart that portrays itself willingly
is like a nation that trades freedom for stability
its so seductive to be cold and corrupted and isolated and try to be an independent republic
but liberty to be loved on the surface is worthless
the sacrifice of revolution with no purpose
take it from a criminal searching for his redemption
cursing at God desperately trying to get his attention
[By far one of the best pieces I've ever heard from this brother. All just hits on the mark. It really is seductive to be cold and corrupted, but deep down, at least with me, I know I could not head down that path. I would be tortured everyday trying to forgive myself for having chosen that path. Knowing full well ahead of time the consequences for that decision will be bad, I know my place is where I am at at the moment. Regardless of the difficulty I may be going through, pessimism will not rule over me and I know I have to keep steady to get through the tunnel.
Its funny when I think about it though, having Lady D come back into the picture feels real strange, especially given the way things ended the last time. I vowed to keep my distance and I did. I didn't make the move. I actually resented her, one of the few if not the only one I ever did.
So even with that, I find myself still talking to her now. Either I've grown to let go of hate and judgment or I just don't remember. But that's a lie, because I still do. Pretty vividly in fact. I see the change she went through, but I know if she were to pursue it further, I wont have any of it. I'm done. That much is true. I wont lead her on either in thinking there's a chance after I finish school because that's just unfair.
But truth is, I wont have anything to do with that sort of relationship till I finish school.
I have no problem talking to someone so I'll build my end of the bridge but I hope she doesn't expect anything else.
The biggest question I still have is why she would consider coming back after so long [two years!] and if she knew I wouldn't steer clear, unless of course she may just be testing to see if there's anything there (which there isn't).
I know why I would still have the appeal on her, given Lady X's analysis and her explanation on why I tend to exude certain things that just draw people in. Although I wish I could control that sort of thing to use to my benefit, I accept it and just remember to lay it out there if it comes up, and I have a feeling it will.]
Now comes the latest.
I show up to get my truck diagnosed since it was running with the engine light on the other day and at nearly 250k miles, any instance of a problem needs to be checked out immediately or it can come back to bite me in the ass. After talking to the tech, who noticed my UPS Teamsters shirt, about how I could work out the payment plan for getting the necessary work on Debbie, I bring up very casually that I paint. Well just my luck, he offers to do the work for free AND pay me $100 to paint some letters on a wall nearby that he had been meaning to do himself recently.
Man, now this is what I've been talking about forever. If only there were more opportunities like this. It seems to have fallen on my lap that I couldn't believe my ears when he brought up the offer. I hesitated and went home thinking it over weather it was too good to be true and even worth a shot. After thinking it over some more at home I decided to go ahead with it.
Sure enough it would prove to be another episode of disappointment I continue to encounter frequently as of late. From the counselors who didn't know what I needed to transfer, the admissions rep who couldn't figure out if I was done with my GE's or the attendant who wrongly told me I had to mail in my transcripts when in fact I didn't, is just another in the long line of let downs I seem to continually encounter.
I show up ready to get to work painting and come to find the guy from last week is FIRED?!
Great.
Jobs canceled and now I have to pay out of pocket to get the work done.
Great. I'm not pissed, or angry about it but it would've really helped to have the work done in exchange for the painting. What was a win-win situation now just becomes a situation. I have to budget my finances to cover the cost of getting the service done instead.
Add on now I get disrespected with no regard. Here I thought my honesty was worth something and at least to be admired. But no, I reach out to find an empty space. Yet again reminding me that the path ahead is one I will make on my own. I'm fine with it, but I don't understand why it would turn so drastically for reasons not quite to me known.
And finally...
Gabriel
The more I learn about him the more I wish I would've met him. In talking to my mom about my grandpa Gabriel who died when she was 12 I can't help but wonder about the effect and knowledge he would've given me. Unfortunately the only thing I know is that out of the 4 grandparents I have, he is the only one who I actually feel close to. The remaining 3 are still alive but there was never a connection with them growing up. Sad, really. We're related by blood but even that wasn't enough for them to reach out to me. I come to find he was one of the many workers who crossed the border to help this country during WWII for the Bracero program in '43. 19 years before I was to be born. But what really got me was the type of man he was. Very well-liked by everyone, too bad my grandma held him down it seems. Hearing about how his friends cared about him and enjoyed his company made me smile since I can see where I might have inherited some of my ways. Always willing to help people out and genuinely a great dad to my mom.
It seems I finally found where part of my spirit comes from. To hear he had friends who were more affluent than he was but who were always happy to see him and even encouraged him to succeed really got me. But my grandma refused to move to the city, even though he wanted his kids to go to school and get educated broke my heart. More so than the fact that when he died she didn't bother letting any of his friends know. A great man buried alone is not the proper way to go. I hope to see him someday, but for now I can take pride in knowing I carry a piece of his spirit with me.
To finally have something that significant to hold on to is beyond words.
With that it feels on cue that I have started considering working for the Peace Corps.
Helping out and becoming a better man because of it aside from getting rewarded for the work is one very strong pull on me right now. The rewards are the least of my concern but a nice incentive aside from the greater good that will be done. I can already see it changing me tenfold.
Definitely have to give this more thought but I think its a likely move.
Time to shut off this side of the brain for now so I can focus on High Renaissance and Mannerism.
[Edit: I missed that A by 6 points. Getting closer though. All that positive thinking paid off after all. Who knew?! :D]
You pretend it doesnt bother you, but you just want to explode
Some thoughts on recent events...
I realize I don't sit and write as much as I'd like to but I know I can just as easily be a full time blogger. Reading over some of the online blogs I've come across I know I can grab your attention and keep it while long series of paragraphs just flow through the screen and before you know it I've made you read well over 5 pages worth of material. Its my own form of written conversation since I don't have the opportunity to engage in it with those around me as much as I'd like to. Don't get me wrong the talks I had the last few weeks with professors and some classmates and several friends were cool and all, but it simply wasn't enough.
I've come to notice I stand out a lot. Sometimes by choice but most of the time just by being myself so its no wonder I attract attention. More on this to come, so be patient.
I'm thinking out loud here at the same time I'm typing this up and deciding where to go with this entire post since I have a lot of material to cover.
So I came across a quiz or questionnaire I don't exactly remember now,
but the results it gave me seem to be in tune to how I've been feeling as of late and where I see myself headed. Bear with me, this is a lot of info to read I bet, so if you care to continue read on and you'll get a closer look at what lies beneath.
You are not only a good person... you are a model citizen and a natural leader.
Whether you know it or not, your high moral standards and good judgment is truly rare.
You don't take ethical short cuts in life. You are able to do what's right - even when it's very difficult.
And while it may seem like no one else is as on track as you are, take heart in knowing that you set a good example for others.
[Overall I know it to be true since I go out of my way to help those closest to me and often complete strangers as well, in addition I typically do stuff that would classify as being considerate. I aim to please I guess. Lately I've looked at it as a flaw since I've noticed how many times my generosity isn't appreciated or just taken for granted. Its gotten to the point where I told my cousin recently "given my nature to help, which lately I've been questioning since I felt at times like I've been taken advantage of or was under appreciated I still see the good in helping out. But I have to admit a part of me is turning sour. I hope its just a bad month or something and not a sign of what's to come. I thought about it though and not too many people I know are as enthusiastic about helping out to which got me thinking man I don't seem to fit in here all that well. I can adapt but I guess I just don't fit." Sorta like I'm stuck on the same CD with endless repeat with no chance at listening to a new album and enjoying that experience. If by chance I set an example on others that's cool, but I would hope they use the example to get involved as well.]
You are also probably: Very sensitive and in tune with the world
Right now you are on track to being: A saint
To be a better person: Gently mentor someone who is taking the wrong path in life
[Like I said, given my background and the experience of taking it too far one too many times, I realize now that I don't want to end up doing the SOS the rest of my life. Yes, I'd like to do all kinds of new things like get out of here now and then but at the same time, keeping it fresh so to speak is also a big part that I've been missing for a long time. Only now I've come to realize how much I enjoy that and thrive on it.
When I first started Cal State, the thrill of hanging out with new friends really was great since growing up I didn't have a group like that to spend time with. This past saturday helping out at the Camp really hit it home that I think a part of me wants to give it a try and mentor somebody. I see the difference it can make in a kid's life and I'd be thrilled to help out. Maybe helping out someone in the same situation that I was in growing up see that it isn't that bad and to keep their head up will help both of us out. That's how I've kept in tune lately, especially in seeing S&M do his thing with the kids at school and the nephews and nieces.
Why more people don't offer to help the bright faces that bring smiles with their innocence is beyond me, but I think I'm eventually going to help several of them out.]
You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You're uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood.
Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You're pretty happy being an island.
[Tortured genius. I know I'm not the smartest cat or maybe I am, but I surely haven't put it to use. Everyone has always said how much potential I have and how my attitude usually makes things a lot easier for me to grasp. Yes I make things difficult lots of times to the point where what needs to get done suffers, but The brilliance is there regardless. Direction and motivation have been lacking, but when both are focused, I have proven to meet the call and even exceed the expectations.
I am misunderstood because I appear to not care, and sometimes for just cause, but usually it's out of frustration. I may not verbally say it, but I contain it internally and refuse to take it out on someone unless they caused it. It'd definitely help to be understood lots of times that way I can get some help with the situation.
I do like isolation that comes from being an island if you will, since I was so accustomed to it growing up - playing on my own or going to and from school on my own. But I always looked to play with others since it was obviously more fun. Living on an island will kill your brain. Isolation is a slow death sometimes, since we all NEED interaction. I've seen it do wonders to my moods and overall vibe countless times to know when I'm in a bad mood I really need to go out and talk to somebody.]
You're so good that you may end up a saint.
You do the right thing a lot more than most people, even when it's near impossible.
[Genuine is one of my key attributes. I don't intentionally harm others and I don't understand why many of us do so countless times. By doing so we only make shit harder on everyone. I do see myself doing the "right" thing when its so seductively easy to do the opposite. Loyalty is practically written in stone in my book. To defy it is a deathblow. Trust and Honesty are right next to it as well.
I lost my train of thought but I still doubt that I'd become a saint.
Although I hope it doesn't come along the same way it did for Tom Joad, but I welcome the chance at reaching as high as that. Its no wonder that book was banned. It really stuck with me in terms of helping out and looking out for your fellow man, woman, etc.]
You put a lot of thought in to every action you do. You always try to make the right decisions.
And that's all it takes to be a truly virtuous person.
[Lately, I have given it more thought. Overall at the moment I'm pleased with the decisions. I don't see where I could've gone wrong to the point of harming someone, but I've noticed the growth and change the last couple months in my attitude and approach to getting what needs to be done completed.]
Where You Are Virtuous
You have the virtue of Tranquility. You do your best to keep your life peaceful and calm.
[Something I have always been told. "You're so easy going man and cool to talk to" I really don't know where I picked it up from but I'm glad I did. For the most part I can see how I actually do make the effort to have a peaceful and calm environment although it always isn't the case.]
You have the virtue of Industry. You know how to do what's useful and avoid time wasters.
You have the virtue of Cleanliness. You keep yourself and your home clean.
[Something that I've needed work the last couple years and only now I'm getting around to correcting. It feels good to see the positive results that come from it and the speed at which things seems to progress for the better. Now if I could only get my room back to where it used to be. lol. Strangely enough, if I'm helping someone clean a room I tend to be insanely meticulous about leaving it spotless. Too bad I haven't taken that approach on my own room because man it sure needs a fix up.]
You have the virtue of Resolution. You are determined to do what you should, no matter how difficult it is.
[Not having quit school in over 8 years despite all the crap I've gone through is the testament to that. I will walk through hell and back for this. Same goes for all those who I hold close to heart. I guess a part of me is a bit delusional maybe but I refuse to give up and I will hammer it out if I truly believe it can be done.]
You have the virtue of Sincerity. You are not deceitful, and you always have the best intentions.
You have the virtue of Silence. You avoid frivolous conversation, and you use your words carefully.
[Not much to add to these two. I always intend to help and look out for others even if I don't know them too well. Its no wonder I can be taken advantage of. My silence only encourages it to continue. That needs work, so does my ability to get it across effectively without seeming to get emotional about it. Best intentions and careful choice of words are a good fit.]
With this running through my head its no wonder I attract the attention I do. What the hell is wrong with me? I should be talking about nonsensical bullshit like Heroes or The Hills or whatever mindless crap is the new hot shit at the moment but not much interests me as of late.
Moving on...
Now with this whole election business going on I'm not even going to dive into the candidates and who I support because I know time and time again people in office will let you down and let you know that you aren't at the top of the list of who is important to them. However you have to call out the bullshit when you see it and it wasn't more apparent than several weeks ago on the news.
Some group or whatever called the republican federation from the inland empire was getting heat for putting out something called "Obama bucks".
Like I said, I don't have a problem with the Reds running their mouth on Team Blue [These are nicknames, not actual markers of who I align myself with] but this was just ridiculous. The blatant disrespect was just too much. How anyone could claim it wasn't a shot at the guy was just full of it.
Here we have a picture of Obama with the following around him: chicken, watermellon, kool aid and ribs.
Seriously now. I don't even have to explain it do I?
Of course, they had to speak to the one guy who didn't know jack.
"how is that racist?...we're about philanthropy. who says its racist? you?"
He followed it up with a comparison to Italian food that just didn't work at all
at showing any sort of similarity to what was attempted with the fake money they produced.
But in all honesty to say it is NOT racist is foolish, those 4 items and how they have been used to portray people of color in a negative way has a long history. What? you don't know about that sorta stuff? c'mon now get real my friend.
I'm surprised they didnt just up and replace Obama with the N word and made it N bucks and plaster it with a sambo instead of Obama.
Like I said, both teams are a joke. But the Reds from the IE sure did fuck up on this one.
Moving on..
Some songs that have hit recently that stirred up a lot of emotion from old memories and how I apply it to where I'm at now.
Parole-
I'm on parole, and i'll never be alone again,
fuck this place baby, I'm coming home again.
Family wrapped around me, so i never be cold again.
[Listening to this brother tell the story about how he went from the hell of prison to the streets and into the studio is a real inspiration that dispite where you may be at, there is always that glimmer of hope you have to hang on to because it will guide you home to where you're supposed to be. I can easily say the last 8 years were spent in mental prison and it wasn't until this past summer that I was released on parole. I actually feel the support wrapped around me for the first time in forever with regards to me getting my degree from whatever school that may be. To have suffered for this long and not given up is a huge indicator of how strong my spirit is, so now that I am showing tremendous focus and enthusiasm to get it done, the support is coming in abundance. It feels good to finally have some even if it isn't a whole lot.]
Mistakes-
Some people learn from mistakes and don't repeat them,
Others try to block the memories and just delete them
But I keep them as a reminder they not killing me,
And I thank God for teaching me humility
Son remember when you fight to be free,
You see things how they are, and not how you like ‘em to be
Cause even when the world is falling on top of me,
Pessimism is an emotion, not a philosophy
Knowing what's wrong, doesn't imply that you right,
And its another when you suffer to apply it in life,
But I'm no rookie, and I'm never gonna make the same mistake twice, pussy
[Definitely one that has stayed in my head since I first heard it. Its one thing to learn from the mistake but its an entirely different when you apply it in the future. Now when it comes to school I'm making sure it comes number one and I put every ounce available into it. In just the last year I've seen the rewards for taking that approach; GPA is back up, Financial Aid is available again, Scholarships, Internships, and overall everything seems to be falling into place for me. For too long pessimism became my philosophy even though I knew I had the power to change it all. I finally made my way back to the road towards graduation and my growing future so I have to remember to stay focus because I've already fallen once and I don't want to repeat that outcome.]
Golpe de Estado-
Cuando controlan el negocio y la cultura
La musica se vuelve en comercial basura
Y la reina latina, pintada como gallina
Es mas que bailarina o puta en la esquina
Es abogada, profesora, madre, soldada
Y carga nuestro futuro cuando esta embarazada
Mira nuestra gente cruzificada
Y la manera desgraciada
Que estos perros no hablan de nada
Mas que en la riquesa
Que la gente no tiene
Asi que ahora vas a ver
La violencia que viene
[Nothing really new here but when I hear it in Spanish it just seems to have a bigger impact for some reason. I see how this neighborhood gets duped into mindless things instead of placing an emphasis on greater good such as school or just overall being a better person. Not sure if I make sense here, but it seems like too many people get discouraged and don't live up to their potential since they fall prey to the negativity from those who have given up long ago. The disrespect the women get is ridiculous and some of it even stems from women who allow it to happen, better yet even encourage that sort of shit. WHY??! It almost seems like deep down they lost hope in finding something meaningful with someone who would treat them right but rather they settle for some garbage fuck who walks all over them. WHY??? Strong aggressive sister falls prey to some douche and then allows herself to transform into a shell of her former being. Sad, really. I've seen too many of them fall by the wayside and countless others who have potential who just for whatever reason chose to turn their back on that possible future. Pride in the neighborhood is lost and shit gets transformed into a slum. If the attitude were different, it could very easily be a place where you can hold your head up and say, yea its a working class joint, but we keep it clean. That just felt like a ramble, so I hope it made some sort of sense there.]
Crimes of the Heart-
yea i turned 21 in prison locked up at night
now i walk around free seems like another life
another roll with some other dice
another ho or a loving wife
people come and go some really you never know
intellectual midgets that really never grow
fake love that holds on like "can i hold you though?"
and old friends will look at you like "yo, yea i told you so"
a toast to the broken hearted
who never finished what they f**kin started
people who go out and try to be a rebel at night
try to make up for the fact that they settled in life
it's like a fight between the devil & Christ over the limelight
spiritual celebrity poker
but the whole deck is full of jokers
and every year that you get older
the stakes get higher
gambling with a bunch of fakes and liars
real talk 'cause the real New York
is the pain and the suffering of lost love
staring off into the distance in the midst of the club
depression and emptiness that lead to suicide
and the struggle inside of yourself that keeps you alive
survived and medicated stalked by sobriety
the life that you live now tortured by memories violently
i pray in sodomy that one day you could be forgiven
for murdering the beautiful world we used to live in
love...doesn't need a complicated metaphor
and sometimes nothing needs to be said at all
sometimes a person you with is not your one and only
and you just f**k with them because you afraid to be lonely
and when you come back its too late
so you overcompensate
like victims of rape
full of self hate
lost in the affection to strangers around you
instead of the only person that ever gave a f**k about you
thought you were happy so you didn't come check me
but then when he cheated or treated you incorrectly
you conveniently realized you could never forget me
and tried to crawl back in my life unexpectedly
these are my indictments
of those who claim to be righteous
and leave a trail of broken hearts on their way to enlightenment
but i cant give into hatred or pass judgment
even towards every allusion i've been in love with
'cause the heart that portrays itself willingly
is like a nation that trades freedom for stability
its so seductive to be cold and corrupted and isolated and try to be an independent republic
but liberty to be loved on the surface is worthless
the sacrifice of revolution with no purpose
take it from a criminal searching for his redemption
cursing at God desperately trying to get his attention
[By far one of the best pieces I've ever heard from this brother. All just hits on the mark. It really is seductive to be cold and corrupted, but deep down, at least with me, I know I could not head down that path. I would be tortured everyday trying to forgive myself for having chosen that path. Knowing full well ahead of time the consequences for that decision will be bad, I know my place is where I am at at the moment. Regardless of the difficulty I may be going through, pessimism will not rule over me and I know I have to keep steady to get through the tunnel.
Its funny when I think about it though, having Lady D come back into the picture feels real strange, especially given the way things ended the last time. I vowed to keep my distance and I did. I didn't make the move. I actually resented her, one of the few if not the only one I ever did.
So even with that, I find myself still talking to her now. Either I've grown to let go of hate and judgment or I just don't remember. But that's a lie, because I still do. Pretty vividly in fact. I see the change she went through, but I know if she were to pursue it further, I wont have any of it. I'm done. That much is true. I wont lead her on either in thinking there's a chance after I finish school because that's just unfair.
But truth is, I wont have anything to do with that sort of relationship till I finish school.
I have no problem talking to someone so I'll build my end of the bridge but I hope she doesn't expect anything else.
The biggest question I still have is why she would consider coming back after so long [two years!] and if she knew I wouldn't steer clear, unless of course she may just be testing to see if there's anything there (which there isn't).
I know why I would still have the appeal on her, given Lady X's analysis and her explanation on why I tend to exude certain things that just draw people in. Although I wish I could control that sort of thing to use to my benefit, I accept it and just remember to lay it out there if it comes up, and I have a feeling it will.]
Now comes the latest.
I show up to get my truck diagnosed since it was running with the engine light on the other day and at nearly 250k miles, any instance of a problem needs to be checked out immediately or it can come back to bite me in the ass. After talking to the tech, who noticed my UPS Teamsters shirt, about how I could work out the payment plan for getting the necessary work on Debbie, I bring up very casually that I paint. Well just my luck, he offers to do the work for free AND pay me $100 to paint some letters on a wall nearby that he had been meaning to do himself recently.
Man, now this is what I've been talking about forever. If only there were more opportunities like this. It seems to have fallen on my lap that I couldn't believe my ears when he brought up the offer. I hesitated and went home thinking it over weather it was too good to be true and even worth a shot. After thinking it over some more at home I decided to go ahead with it.
Sure enough it would prove to be another episode of disappointment I continue to encounter frequently as of late. From the counselors who didn't know what I needed to transfer, the admissions rep who couldn't figure out if I was done with my GE's or the attendant who wrongly told me I had to mail in my transcripts when in fact I didn't, is just another in the long line of let downs I seem to continually encounter.
I show up ready to get to work painting and come to find the guy from last week is FIRED?!
Great.
Jobs canceled and now I have to pay out of pocket to get the work done.
Great. I'm not pissed, or angry about it but it would've really helped to have the work done in exchange for the painting. What was a win-win situation now just becomes a situation. I have to budget my finances to cover the cost of getting the service done instead.
Add on now I get disrespected with no regard. Here I thought my honesty was worth something and at least to be admired. But no, I reach out to find an empty space. Yet again reminding me that the path ahead is one I will make on my own. I'm fine with it, but I don't understand why it would turn so drastically for reasons not quite to me known.
And finally...
Gabriel
The more I learn about him the more I wish I would've met him. In talking to my mom about my grandpa Gabriel who died when she was 12 I can't help but wonder about the effect and knowledge he would've given me. Unfortunately the only thing I know is that out of the 4 grandparents I have, he is the only one who I actually feel close to. The remaining 3 are still alive but there was never a connection with them growing up. Sad, really. We're related by blood but even that wasn't enough for them to reach out to me. I come to find he was one of the many workers who crossed the border to help this country during WWII for the Bracero program in '43. 19 years before I was to be born. But what really got me was the type of man he was. Very well-liked by everyone, too bad my grandma held him down it seems. Hearing about how his friends cared about him and enjoyed his company made me smile since I can see where I might have inherited some of my ways. Always willing to help people out and genuinely a great dad to my mom.
It seems I finally found where part of my spirit comes from. To hear he had friends who were more affluent than he was but who were always happy to see him and even encouraged him to succeed really got me. But my grandma refused to move to the city, even though he wanted his kids to go to school and get educated broke my heart. More so than the fact that when he died she didn't bother letting any of his friends know. A great man buried alone is not the proper way to go. I hope to see him someday, but for now I can take pride in knowing I carry a piece of his spirit with me.
To finally have something that significant to hold on to is beyond words.
With that it feels on cue that I have started considering working for the Peace Corps.
Helping out and becoming a better man because of it aside from getting rewarded for the work is one very strong pull on me right now. The rewards are the least of my concern but a nice incentive aside from the greater good that will be done. I can already see it changing me tenfold.
Definitely have to give this more thought but I think its a likely move.
Time to shut off this side of the brain for now so I can focus on High Renaissance and Mannerism.
[Edit: I missed that A by 6 points. Getting closer though. All that positive thinking paid off after all. Who knew?! :D]