Trust in ur heart...ignore ur mind
It's finally Friday! YaY! I guess..not really sure why I said Yay..but maybe its because I have no classes until Monday. This morning was going really well, until I made the mistake of saying sorry to Jase. I guess maybe I need to explain why I am constantly apologizeing. I have always been the one that has been in the wrong...through out all my life no matter what I did I was always in the wrong. So even with me being the age that I am, I still apologize for everything. All though I don't mean it, I still apologize. It's a habit that I need to break to which I was doing pretty good at until recently I went back to walking on my eggshells. Big mistake right there. I guess maybe Im paranoid that I know that Jase isn't as happy with me as he was or maybe it's my own paranoid sense attacking myself. I think another reason is that Im afraid that since I finally found happiness and I love the feeling, that over time the feeling is going to diminish away...yet again, Ill be left alone all by myself.
The worst part of it being, I know that Jase wouldn't leave or hurt me intentionally, but yet it's still my biggest fear. I never expected myself to fall in love with him like I did, just because of my previous relationship. There was alotta times that I kept telling myself to fall just a lil bit but not head over heals. In the end however, I found myself madly in love with him because of the way that he treats me and the way that he cares, the happiness that he gives me...the love that he shows me. The touch of his hands so tender and loveing, just him being himself and not trying to be someone or something that he's not. Jase has always known the real me and he's never judged me or tried to change me into being something that Im not. We went through a period of our lives to where we didn't speak because we thought that we hated each other...here to find out it was never hate....We both loved each other so much that we tried to turn it into hate.
This past summer is truely one of the worst experiences that I have ever lived, yet I still had some really good times. May 25th of this past year was truely the happiest day of the year for me, because I finally found someone that I have always yearned for yet I let my fear kik in and I tried to hate him. As all who reads this knows, my Grandma died this past summer, to which she took a big chunk of me with her. Jase was with me clear thru it all. I would call him at like 2 and 3 am just because I needed to hear someones voice, the day that she died...he's the first person I called because I couldn't deal at all. Just with him talking to me, gave me the comfort to be able to go thru the viewings and yet the hardest day the funeral. He kept telling me that it was going to be okay, all though deep inside he knew she was dieing, but he kept me with the feeling of hope. The reason that it bothers me so much that she's gone is because I finally found my prince, and she won't get to see me say I do. Im the only grandkid that's old enuff to get married thats not married.
I know that Jase has no idea how much the comfort that he gave me kept me together and from falling apart. Thats why I say Im sorry all the time, thats why I act like I do...It's all because Im afraid of loosing Jason. I have never in all my life had a guy that treats me the way that he does, or care or even spend the time that he does with me, rather it be one on one or just talking on the phone or the net. I have never had a guy give me the attention that he provides. He's the first guy that I have truely trusted. I know that if I were to ever fall he'd be there to catch me, I know that he'd never cheat on me, I know that he'd never leave me, I know that he loves me. I know that he really cares. He's the first guy that I have dated that has told me it's okay to fail, as long as you get up dusted yourself off and try again. He believes in me!! Ya know, yea he may not come right out and say it, but by his actions and his voice I know all this stuff. He's always telling me how beautiful I am, even if I know I look ickie..he still makes me feel beautiful. It's like I told him the other day he wasn't right, and he's like I know..and I told him that he was dateing me thats why he wasn't right. he told me that if you had to be not right to date me, he wanted to be the wrongest person in the world. That meant alot to me right there...it made my day alot betta then it was going. It's all the little things that he does that makes me happy and who I am. I know that we can make us work, and I know that hopefully we will spend the rest of our lives together, and live to be old.
There are alotta times that I need to say something, but I keep it all in, I know that I promised Jase that I wouldn't but I still do ocasionally, and this is all the stuff that has been inside me for like a really long time. I guess maybe I hope that when Jase reads this, he understands me more and hopefully he still loves me with all that he is because if I'd loose him, god only knows what would happen to me. I'd do ne thing to be with him, he has truely stolen my heart just with the little things that matters. Ya know, For christmas all I want is him, all though I already have him, I want that as my christmas gift. I love you Jase...and I hope that after reading all this you still feel the same way and understand me a little bit more... My final thought being, if I could give one gift to everyone, I would want them to see the way that Jason loves me...and the way that I love him...It's truely an amazeing feeling that everyone needs to experience.
The worst part of it being, I know that Jase wouldn't leave or hurt me intentionally, but yet it's still my biggest fear. I never expected myself to fall in love with him like I did, just because of my previous relationship. There was alotta times that I kept telling myself to fall just a lil bit but not head over heals. In the end however, I found myself madly in love with him because of the way that he treats me and the way that he cares, the happiness that he gives me...the love that he shows me. The touch of his hands so tender and loveing, just him being himself and not trying to be someone or something that he's not. Jase has always known the real me and he's never judged me or tried to change me into being something that Im not. We went through a period of our lives to where we didn't speak because we thought that we hated each other...here to find out it was never hate....We both loved each other so much that we tried to turn it into hate.
This past summer is truely one of the worst experiences that I have ever lived, yet I still had some really good times. May 25th of this past year was truely the happiest day of the year for me, because I finally found someone that I have always yearned for yet I let my fear kik in and I tried to hate him. As all who reads this knows, my Grandma died this past summer, to which she took a big chunk of me with her. Jase was with me clear thru it all. I would call him at like 2 and 3 am just because I needed to hear someones voice, the day that she died...he's the first person I called because I couldn't deal at all. Just with him talking to me, gave me the comfort to be able to go thru the viewings and yet the hardest day the funeral. He kept telling me that it was going to be okay, all though deep inside he knew she was dieing, but he kept me with the feeling of hope. The reason that it bothers me so much that she's gone is because I finally found my prince, and she won't get to see me say I do. Im the only grandkid that's old enuff to get married thats not married.
I know that Jase has no idea how much the comfort that he gave me kept me together and from falling apart. Thats why I say Im sorry all the time, thats why I act like I do...It's all because Im afraid of loosing Jason. I have never in all my life had a guy that treats me the way that he does, or care or even spend the time that he does with me, rather it be one on one or just talking on the phone or the net. I have never had a guy give me the attention that he provides. He's the first guy that I have truely trusted. I know that if I were to ever fall he'd be there to catch me, I know that he'd never cheat on me, I know that he'd never leave me, I know that he loves me. I know that he really cares. He's the first guy that I have dated that has told me it's okay to fail, as long as you get up dusted yourself off and try again. He believes in me!! Ya know, yea he may not come right out and say it, but by his actions and his voice I know all this stuff. He's always telling me how beautiful I am, even if I know I look ickie..he still makes me feel beautiful. It's like I told him the other day he wasn't right, and he's like I know..and I told him that he was dateing me thats why he wasn't right. he told me that if you had to be not right to date me, he wanted to be the wrongest person in the world. That meant alot to me right there...it made my day alot betta then it was going. It's all the little things that he does that makes me happy and who I am. I know that we can make us work, and I know that hopefully we will spend the rest of our lives together, and live to be old.
There are alotta times that I need to say something, but I keep it all in, I know that I promised Jase that I wouldn't but I still do ocasionally, and this is all the stuff that has been inside me for like a really long time. I guess maybe I hope that when Jase reads this, he understands me more and hopefully he still loves me with all that he is because if I'd loose him, god only knows what would happen to me. I'd do ne thing to be with him, he has truely stolen my heart just with the little things that matters. Ya know, For christmas all I want is him, all though I already have him, I want that as my christmas gift. I love you Jase...and I hope that after reading all this you still feel the same way and understand me a little bit more... My final thought being, if I could give one gift to everyone, I would want them to see the way that Jason loves me...and the way that I love him...It's truely an amazeing feeling that everyone needs to experience.