I'm sad....

[spydey22gc]

Today is Paul's 20th birthday. Or atleast it's supposed to be. Some days I miss him SO much it hurts. Today is one of those days. I hate that I'll never know him as a man, as he would be today. I wonder what decisions he would have made, where he'd be in life, would we be close. Almost four years later sometimes Iwake up and for no real reason my first thought is "my brother is gone". It hurt just the same as it did the day. I cry. I wish it had never happened. I think about fights we had and I wish I could take them back. I wish I could have him back.

I want to call home and comfort my Mom, but I know I can't. I miss my family terribly. I constantly hope that nothing happens to any of them. I'm always afraid that my last contact witht hem will be that stupid fight. God, I hope not. I just want to be apart of thier lives. I'm missing out on so much! In 2 monthes I'll have lived in Texas for 2 years and I've only been home to see them once. It hurts me. I don't know what to do....

On another note, the kids I nanny are leaving for the WHOLE summer to see thier dad. What am I going to do without them?!?!?!!? I'll miss the little brats (lol) I do love them so...

I don't know what else to write so I'll wrap this up.

Everyone knows that I love them, right?

Happy Birthday, Paul. I love and miss you....