(no subject)
Dear Jack,
I have been having the hardest time dealing with things since your accident. I used to tell you everything and never had to worry about whether you thought I was a moron or my problems were petty(though petty they may have been). Well since you've been gone, I haven't felt like there is anyone to talk to about those things anymore. I've had several people tell me that I could talk to them, but it's just not the same as when we used to sit around and just talk and exchange advise as how to deal with things that were going on in our lives. So, I thought that I'd write you a letter just tell you about them anyway.
First, I feel like I'm letting everyone down as of late. It's unintentional, but it just seems that the harder I try to hide the pain and act normal, the bigger dissappointment I am. I don't call people on time, I forget when mom is going to be off, and have to cancel plans because stupid shit comes up. What's happening to me? I find myself apologizing more than anything else and yet I still mess things up.
It seems that Mom is always unhappy with me and I guess you know how that would feel because you used to think the same thing. I know she loves me, but I just feel like I am not doing good enough for her. She's hurting badly, and it's probably the pain that's causing all of this. Yesterday, I forgot that she was off from work and wanted to clean up the Screen Room. So, I made plans to go to Gainesville and spend the night with Lindsey. I get about to Brooksville and I get a call from Mom just laying into me about how irresponsible I am being and everything. I ended up cancelling the plans with Lindsey, going home, and being screamed at some more. So, chalk up another disappointment on Lindsey's side. It just seems I end up in the lose-lose situations. Had I went to Gainesville, Mom would have been pissed and even yelled more.
I have been so unbelievably sensitive about everything lately. Sometimes, people say things jokingly and I get angry or upset. Even as far as when Lindsey called me a stupid name and I got pissed because she calls Toby the same name sometimes and I felt like I was being called a dog. And with Lindsey, be ing on the same level as Toby is the best place to possibly be. (Secretly, I still don't want to be called that name) I also bought Lindsey a canopy for her bed trying to be sweet, but she took it as a present to apologize for another argument and I just wanted to cry.
I think I am wording everything wrong too. What I am feeling just never seems to be conveyed properly by what I am saying. I've always thought myself to be a clever linguist, why can't I get anything out and have it taken as I mean it. For example, Lindsey was telling me about how she sometimes gets into these "cloudy" moods. And I ask "So, you just get like this?" The reason i asked is because she has been seeming VERY unhappy and I felt like it was my fault and I am the source of all of her problems. In all actuality, it lifted a small burden off of my shoulders to know that it's not entirely my fault. Unfortunately, she took it as me thinking she's crazy. Which I do not.
I've also noticed a huge decrease in my motivation to work. I used to be here rain or shine, well or sick, but lately I just have a hard time trying to bring myself to choke down my shift and collect my paycheck as I used to do. It's sad that I think about calling in EVERY SINGLE day. I can't afford to keep missing work, but I just don't seem to care. I think I am just burned out because of the long drive and the boring work. So, I am trading in my 20-Inch Monitor for a pair of size 10.5 Workboots and going to drive a Haul Truck at the Rock Quarry that Mom works in. It may not be the most prestigious job, but it's something new. Plus, I will only be taking a $1 pay cut, but I won't have to drive nearly as far and I will be able to get overtime hours.
For a while, I was tossing up the idea of going to International Academy of Design and Technology for Recording Arts instead of University of South Florida for Electrical Engineering, but I think I've made my decision. The reason IADT sounded so awesome is the fact that I would be going for something fun. It has been brought to my attention that before actually seeing the school, I had no desire to be a Music Producer. Basically, going back to school for something just because it seems like it would be fun and it seems like something I would want to do at the moment, could cause grief later because I may decide that I hate it and have to try to finance ANOTHER degree in something a bit more practical. So, I have decided to go along with my first plan and go to USF and become an Electrical Engineer. It may not be the fun thing to do, but it's more practical and I've always wanted to be an Engineer.
Anyway, I've run out of things to complain about. I'll bet you're relieved :-). I wonder what you've been up to lately. Every one is still waiting for you to knock all of the stuff off of the shelves a Publix. I was kind of thinking I go and do it myself for kicks, but Mr. Reeder would KILL me. Well, I'm sorry this letter got so long and may be really boring. I love you little bro and know that you are well.
Love Always,
David
P.S. Despite the tears that keep welling up, I feel much better. Thanks for giving me the time in which it took to listen to my problems.
I have been having the hardest time dealing with things since your accident. I used to tell you everything and never had to worry about whether you thought I was a moron or my problems were petty(though petty they may have been). Well since you've been gone, I haven't felt like there is anyone to talk to about those things anymore. I've had several people tell me that I could talk to them, but it's just not the same as when we used to sit around and just talk and exchange advise as how to deal with things that were going on in our lives. So, I thought that I'd write you a letter just tell you about them anyway.
First, I feel like I'm letting everyone down as of late. It's unintentional, but it just seems that the harder I try to hide the pain and act normal, the bigger dissappointment I am. I don't call people on time, I forget when mom is going to be off, and have to cancel plans because stupid shit comes up. What's happening to me? I find myself apologizing more than anything else and yet I still mess things up.
It seems that Mom is always unhappy with me and I guess you know how that would feel because you used to think the same thing. I know she loves me, but I just feel like I am not doing good enough for her. She's hurting badly, and it's probably the pain that's causing all of this. Yesterday, I forgot that she was off from work and wanted to clean up the Screen Room. So, I made plans to go to Gainesville and spend the night with Lindsey. I get about to Brooksville and I get a call from Mom just laying into me about how irresponsible I am being and everything. I ended up cancelling the plans with Lindsey, going home, and being screamed at some more. So, chalk up another disappointment on Lindsey's side. It just seems I end up in the lose-lose situations. Had I went to Gainesville, Mom would have been pissed and even yelled more.
I have been so unbelievably sensitive about everything lately. Sometimes, people say things jokingly and I get angry or upset. Even as far as when Lindsey called me a stupid name and I got pissed because she calls Toby the same name sometimes and I felt like I was being called a dog. And with Lindsey, be ing on the same level as Toby is the best place to possibly be. (Secretly, I still don't want to be called that name) I also bought Lindsey a canopy for her bed trying to be sweet, but she took it as a present to apologize for another argument and I just wanted to cry.
I think I am wording everything wrong too. What I am feeling just never seems to be conveyed properly by what I am saying. I've always thought myself to be a clever linguist, why can't I get anything out and have it taken as I mean it. For example, Lindsey was telling me about how she sometimes gets into these "cloudy" moods. And I ask "So, you just get like this?" The reason i asked is because she has been seeming VERY unhappy and I felt like it was my fault and I am the source of all of her problems. In all actuality, it lifted a small burden off of my shoulders to know that it's not entirely my fault. Unfortunately, she took it as me thinking she's crazy. Which I do not.
I've also noticed a huge decrease in my motivation to work. I used to be here rain or shine, well or sick, but lately I just have a hard time trying to bring myself to choke down my shift and collect my paycheck as I used to do. It's sad that I think about calling in EVERY SINGLE day. I can't afford to keep missing work, but I just don't seem to care. I think I am just burned out because of the long drive and the boring work. So, I am trading in my 20-Inch Monitor for a pair of size 10.5 Workboots and going to drive a Haul Truck at the Rock Quarry that Mom works in. It may not be the most prestigious job, but it's something new. Plus, I will only be taking a $1 pay cut, but I won't have to drive nearly as far and I will be able to get overtime hours.
For a while, I was tossing up the idea of going to International Academy of Design and Technology for Recording Arts instead of University of South Florida for Electrical Engineering, but I think I've made my decision. The reason IADT sounded so awesome is the fact that I would be going for something fun. It has been brought to my attention that before actually seeing the school, I had no desire to be a Music Producer. Basically, going back to school for something just because it seems like it would be fun and it seems like something I would want to do at the moment, could cause grief later because I may decide that I hate it and have to try to finance ANOTHER degree in something a bit more practical. So, I have decided to go along with my first plan and go to USF and become an Electrical Engineer. It may not be the fun thing to do, but it's more practical and I've always wanted to be an Engineer.
Anyway, I've run out of things to complain about. I'll bet you're relieved :-). I wonder what you've been up to lately. Every one is still waiting for you to knock all of the stuff off of the shelves a Publix. I was kind of thinking I go and do it myself for kicks, but Mr. Reeder would KILL me. Well, I'm sorry this letter got so long and may be really boring. I love you little bro and know that you are well.
Love Always,
David
P.S. Despite the tears that keep welling up, I feel much better. Thanks for giving me the time in which it took to listen to my problems.