(no subject)
My whole entire life it seems like I have been trying to pull off the straight thing… you know date girls, make out with them, act like I like boobs and porn and football, act like a chauvinists pig, have no manners WHAT SO EVER and pretend like I don’t care about how I dress or what order each strand of hair is in…(no offence to straight guys)… but why? It’s kind of funny because about a year ago I “came out” you know told my friends I was gay and what ever, but why now, why so late? Ok so you’re probably think “hunny you’re an early bird” yes maybe you and the rest of the world may think 15 is early but I have known I was gay since I was like 6. I would always run around in the house wearing my apron, playing waitress, and I would always play Barbie’s with my little sister, OH and every time me and my friends (who were mostly girls) played house, I was always the mom figure, you know the loving caring person who cooks dinner and stays at home and tucks the kids in, and every time the neighborhood kids played baseball I would be the guy working the very nicely organized and decorate concession stand. Oh and by the way the few guy friends I had from like age 6 to well now I fooled around with at some point. I remember one time my sister (who was a big tom boy then) and her friend Zack made fun of me for being so girly and I think it was Zack who said “your GAY!” well after discussing with my friend Brittney what GAY was, I knew that’s exactly what I was “a boy who likes boys”. Ok so at the time I denied and probably did what any gay boy would do… go home and cry to mommy! From then on I started to notice that I did look at guys and I never looked at girls. I remember once I was with my family at Kings Island and I was young 9 or 10, and we went to the water park well after we were done at the water park we were still planning to change and go into the main park, so we go into the dressing room to get out of our swimming suits and I was in HEAVEN I don’t think I saw so many penis’s in one room in my entire life, not even in a porn, I think it was then I started thinking sexually about other guys… sorry I’m sure you didn’t want to know that. So now were about to my elementary years where all the kids knew what gay was and they all accused me of the god offal thing. So of course since everyone else thought it was so terrible I did to and I denied the whole thing in general, and made fun of my fellow soon to be gay classmates. Well all through middle school I got made fun of there wasn’t a day that went by without someone, even friends calling me GAY, FAG, FAGGOT, HOMO, QUEER, QUEER BATE and any other word there is for gay, I probably let it get to me 3 times a week and I would spend the majority of the night crying in my bed. One summer I met this girl, Megan McDonald (who is now know as Mcd) we dated and at first I thought it was just because she was cute and I looked straight dating a cute girl, well I think that was the first time I actually fell in love, I would have don’t anything for her I would have died for her, of course I still would to this day but today it would be because she such a good friend, then it would have because I loved her the way a person should love there significant other. I was really confused at that point. Why was I having those feelings? Why did I have those feelings? And still to this day why do I have those feeling for her? Maybe it was a phase? Who knows? I do know I will always love Mcd that way because I truly believe she was my first love. I think in eighth grade after Mcd and I broke up I admitted to my self fully that I was gay and that brings us to last summer when I finally I told most of my friends. And I think after that I grew a lot, I grew as a person, I grew as a friend I grew as a gay guy! I didn’t tell my friends to just tell my friends I had met someone. Mark E he was a cute boy that I met at a party and a soon as I found out he was gay and he found out that I was we started dating, yes we didn’t know each other at all but we that didn’t stop us (I was trying to think of one of my grandma’s weird analogies but I cant think of one) We dated for about 4 months the first three months was probably the best time of my life and yes you may think this is cheesy but I loved Mark (I don use love lightly either ask my friends) I still do. He was my first everything, well most everything, well my first real boyfriend. After we had a terrible break up I went through a couple of guys and just recently Mark and I became good friends again along with another ex-boyfriend (Miles). I did meet one very special guy, Shane, who I think I could have eventually loved the few days of our dating-ness was so amazing to me, he was such a loving, caring, passionate person, and I have never has that before (no offence Mark) but he has a ex boyfriend who he was still in love with, so things didn’t work out but we are still good friends. Because of him I told my parents who were totally cool about the whole thing and because they know I think I was relieved. Now everyone knows and I am a very proud gay guy and I didn’t think life could get better but as every day passes I realized it can and it is, its getting better by the day. And I am so happy that I have friends and family that love me for who I am and support me in anyway they can. And I can’t wait till tomorrow because it’s going to be an even better day. Good night ALL!