Where Does Depression Hurt? Everywhere. Who Does Depression Hurt? Everyone.
So, now that American Idol is over, life is going back to normal. It's actually kind of quiet. It's amazing how much time was involved in planning weekly watch parties. It was a lot of work. But Kris won, so it was worth it.
Now, I get to spend the bulk of my time looking for a job. I actually kind of like the idea of going back to work. Wedding Photography was a lot of fun, but incredibly unpredictable. Some months we were super busy, and some months we had nothing. This year, we've had one wedding. The economy really hurt us, and we don't have thousands of dollars to advertise. So there ya go.
The biggest downfall to being a Wedding Photographer is that, at least for me, it took the fun out of the hobby side of it. I spent so much time working on wedding photos -- taking them, editing them, burning them onto CDs and so forth -- that I lost the desire to take photos just for fun. I've completely neglected my Flickr account for months, and I have hundreds of photos I still have to go through from trips we took last year (and the year before that). I'm hoping that I'll be able to find the photography bug again now that I'm not doing the Wedding Photography thing full-time.
So. Yeah. Anyhow.
You know that commercial for Cymbalta? The one that goes, "Where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does depression hurt? Everyone." I can totally relate.
My depression has been pretty bad for quite awhile now. I've really lost all enthusiasm for life in general. That's why the American Idol/Kris Allen thing was so great. People gave me a hard time about it, but they don't understand how it affected me. It might sound silly, but I felt like I had a purpose. It was the first time I've been really passionate about something for a long, long time. When you struggle with depression, just having something in your life that makes you feel important, or appreciated, or gives you some sense of purpose, can make a huge difference.
I honestly find myself feeling incredibly insignificant most of the time. I don't feel like I make a difference. At all. I look at my life, and I feel like I've failed in so many ways. It's a vicious cycle. I feel depressed because my life is... not what I had hoped it would be. The depression leads to feelings of hopelessness and despair. I feel so helpless and unable to turn things around, which leaves me completely unmotivated, which only leads to more depression. I wish I could take the feelings of hoplessness and despair and turn them into determination. I'd get so much accomplished. I don't know what's stopping me. When you're depressed, giving up is a lot easier than fighting through it.
It doesn't just affect me, though. It affects Matt, too. It has definitely taken its toll on our marriage. Matt says he's "tired of me being unhappy all the time." I often feel like Matt would be happier if I was not a part of his life.
We don't even act like we're married most of the time. We're like two people sharing a house and interacting with each other as little as possible. I hate it. I used to see couples out at stores and restaurants who didn't seem to really be interacting with each other, and I remember thinking how sad that was, and how Matt and I would never be like that. But that's exactly how we are with each other. When we go out, we're one of those couples that doesn't interact with each other. We sit at tables at restaurants and play on our Blackberries. We pretty much ignore each other. So even when we do stuff together, it's not like we're together. Even when we watch movies here at home, we don't cuddle up together on the couch... we sit on opposite sides of the room. Seriously... it's like we're not married. And it depresses the heck out of me.
I just want to find my purpose in life. I want to feel like there's a reason I'm here. I want to feel cherished by my husband. I want to be happy, and I honestly don't know how to do it. I feel like I've been in a funk for so long, I don't know how to be any other way.
I have an appointment to start seeing a counselor this week. I'm hoping it helps.
Wow, what a depressing post this is. Sorry, loyal readers. It's just kinda where I am right now.
Now, I get to spend the bulk of my time looking for a job. I actually kind of like the idea of going back to work. Wedding Photography was a lot of fun, but incredibly unpredictable. Some months we were super busy, and some months we had nothing. This year, we've had one wedding. The economy really hurt us, and we don't have thousands of dollars to advertise. So there ya go.
The biggest downfall to being a Wedding Photographer is that, at least for me, it took the fun out of the hobby side of it. I spent so much time working on wedding photos -- taking them, editing them, burning them onto CDs and so forth -- that I lost the desire to take photos just for fun. I've completely neglected my Flickr account for months, and I have hundreds of photos I still have to go through from trips we took last year (and the year before that). I'm hoping that I'll be able to find the photography bug again now that I'm not doing the Wedding Photography thing full-time.
So. Yeah. Anyhow.
You know that commercial for Cymbalta? The one that goes, "Where does depression hurt? Everywhere. Who does depression hurt? Everyone." I can totally relate.
My depression has been pretty bad for quite awhile now. I've really lost all enthusiasm for life in general. That's why the American Idol/Kris Allen thing was so great. People gave me a hard time about it, but they don't understand how it affected me. It might sound silly, but I felt like I had a purpose. It was the first time I've been really passionate about something for a long, long time. When you struggle with depression, just having something in your life that makes you feel important, or appreciated, or gives you some sense of purpose, can make a huge difference.
I honestly find myself feeling incredibly insignificant most of the time. I don't feel like I make a difference. At all. I look at my life, and I feel like I've failed in so many ways. It's a vicious cycle. I feel depressed because my life is... not what I had hoped it would be. The depression leads to feelings of hopelessness and despair. I feel so helpless and unable to turn things around, which leaves me completely unmotivated, which only leads to more depression. I wish I could take the feelings of hoplessness and despair and turn them into determination. I'd get so much accomplished. I don't know what's stopping me. When you're depressed, giving up is a lot easier than fighting through it.
It doesn't just affect me, though. It affects Matt, too. It has definitely taken its toll on our marriage. Matt says he's "tired of me being unhappy all the time." I often feel like Matt would be happier if I was not a part of his life.
We don't even act like we're married most of the time. We're like two people sharing a house and interacting with each other as little as possible. I hate it. I used to see couples out at stores and restaurants who didn't seem to really be interacting with each other, and I remember thinking how sad that was, and how Matt and I would never be like that. But that's exactly how we are with each other. When we go out, we're one of those couples that doesn't interact with each other. We sit at tables at restaurants and play on our Blackberries. We pretty much ignore each other. So even when we do stuff together, it's not like we're together. Even when we watch movies here at home, we don't cuddle up together on the couch... we sit on opposite sides of the room. Seriously... it's like we're not married. And it depresses the heck out of me.
I just want to find my purpose in life. I want to feel like there's a reason I'm here. I want to feel cherished by my husband. I want to be happy, and I honestly don't know how to do it. I feel like I've been in a funk for so long, I don't know how to be any other way.
I have an appointment to start seeing a counselor this week. I'm hoping it helps.
Wow, what a depressing post this is. Sorry, loyal readers. It's just kinda where I am right now.