Of all the days of this month I had to have an episode today?! WHY?
I might be delusional but I can't seem to end it. I'm beginning to wonder if I need to talk to someone. I did something yesterday I shouldn't have. Even after trying to talk myself out of it. It wasn't anything illegal or immoral though thank God. More like stalkerish. Is that immoral? I hope not. But I think the guilt/shame caught up with me this morning in the worst way possible. I'm trying so hard not to give in any further than I have.
When I was younger, I used to have sleep paralysis (witch riding your back) quite often. It terrified me at first, especially when I knew there was something in my doorway watching me. Eventually I'd gotten used to it (AKA ignored it) and it gradually went away. I kinda know what triggers it. Naps are the main culprit. Even when I'm very very tired during the day and want so desprately to take a nap, I try my best to avoid it because 9 times out of 10 I will have sleep paralysis. Then I wake up so super groggy and in a daze and confused. It's a horrible feeling I try very hard to avoid. If I do nap, I have to time it to 30 minutes and then get up immediately. Any longer and I'll fall victim.
I hadn't had an episode for a long time until this morning. It was so terrifying because I knew I was alone in the house but I kept hearing someone opening the front door and coming in and out with what sounded like grocery bags. I thought maybe my mom had returned from work because she'd forgotten something but something told me otherwise. Why would she be carrying in grocery bags? I knew my dad wouldn't be in town this time of day. But I heard the distinct jingle of his keys and it scared me becuase I was 99.9% sure it wasn't him! Both of them always call out to me when they walk in the house to let me know they're home. A habit I've grown up with. I was so scared and afraid that whatever "it" was would round the corner to watch me again like it did those years ago.
I could feel my body but it was tingling all over and I couldn't get it to move. I was in a deep void of some type. My brain is wide awake but I'm in between sleep and awake. I hate it there especially when I feel like I'm in danger. It's like the connections were severed within my body. It took everything in me to make my body and brain connect. But as soon as I could get my body to move and I'd be ready to sit up the noise at the front door would stop. This happened 2 or 3 times. The last time my body "paralyzed" I made up my mind to get up and and investigate and hope and pray that daddy was in the house with me: No one else is in the house. I don't know if I should be relieved or even more terrified. Now I have tears coming to my eyes. Why did this happen and today of all days? Does it mean something significant?
When I was younger, I used to have sleep paralysis (witch riding your back) quite often. It terrified me at first, especially when I knew there was something in my doorway watching me. Eventually I'd gotten used to it (AKA ignored it) and it gradually went away. I kinda know what triggers it. Naps are the main culprit. Even when I'm very very tired during the day and want so desprately to take a nap, I try my best to avoid it because 9 times out of 10 I will have sleep paralysis. Then I wake up so super groggy and in a daze and confused. It's a horrible feeling I try very hard to avoid. If I do nap, I have to time it to 30 minutes and then get up immediately. Any longer and I'll fall victim.
I hadn't had an episode for a long time until this morning. It was so terrifying because I knew I was alone in the house but I kept hearing someone opening the front door and coming in and out with what sounded like grocery bags. I thought maybe my mom had returned from work because she'd forgotten something but something told me otherwise. Why would she be carrying in grocery bags? I knew my dad wouldn't be in town this time of day. But I heard the distinct jingle of his keys and it scared me becuase I was 99.9% sure it wasn't him! Both of them always call out to me when they walk in the house to let me know they're home. A habit I've grown up with. I was so scared and afraid that whatever "it" was would round the corner to watch me again like it did those years ago.
I could feel my body but it was tingling all over and I couldn't get it to move. I was in a deep void of some type. My brain is wide awake but I'm in between sleep and awake. I hate it there especially when I feel like I'm in danger. It's like the connections were severed within my body. It took everything in me to make my body and brain connect. But as soon as I could get my body to move and I'd be ready to sit up the noise at the front door would stop. This happened 2 or 3 times. The last time my body "paralyzed" I made up my mind to get up and and investigate and hope and pray that daddy was in the house with me: No one else is in the house. I don't know if I should be relieved or even more terrified. Now I have tears coming to my eyes. Why did this happen and today of all days? Does it mean something significant?