Christmas and stuff...
I'm sleepy, so I don't really feel like posting much, but I've been meaning to post something for days now, and haven't had the time.
It's getting frightfully close to Christmas. I love the holiday season, but it really makes me miss my Mim. It's been hard the past couple of years to get into the Christmas spirit without her (and Memaw) here. I mean, I know that I'll never forget my Christmases with them, and I know that I'll have lots more Christmases to come, but right now, it makes me sad. I really miss Mimi. I have my pictures of them up on my walls, but it just isn't the same. I'd give just about anything to have one more normal Christmas season, with all of my loved ones back together, just like it used to be. With so many presents in the living room that there wasn't even room to walk, and not enough chairs for everyone to sit in. Trips with Memaw to a tree farm to pick out her special tree. Driving with Mimi to see the Christmas lights and going to the Christmas Eve service at church. Hanging stockings on the fireplace at Mimi's, and getting all of the Christmas stuff out of the hall closet. Piggyback sledding with Joe when it snowed. Riding my pony in the town's Christmas parade with Memaw. Yummy food, and laughter. And everything else that used to make the season special for me. I guess I associate my happiness with the people in my life, and the memories I've made and continue to make with them. I really should appreciate my life and everything I have, but goddamnit, sometimes I just want my Mimi back. I can remember where every single Christmas decoration went in her house. I just wish that I could sit with her on her couch in the living room on Christmas Eve, listen to Christmas music, and look at the tree just one more time. All the shit I inadvertently took for granted all my life...sometimes I just hate myself for it. I know that I constantly showed them that I cared, but sometimes I just wonder what I could have done to show it just a little more. I guess there's no sense in worrying about it now.
Point being, this year's Christmas is going to be the weirdest one yet. Mimi and Joe are gone. Memaw is gone. Unkie B (Mimi's brother) is gone. My parents are split up. My Dad has a girlfriend. My Granddad has a girlfriend. My Mom lives alone with my brother. My Aunt Lea lives alone. My cousin Jody lives alone. My cousin Brian lives in West Tennessee. My cousin Beth is at college. My Aunt Linne and Uncle Steve rarely contact me or my brother. And I live in DC. My entire family has basically disentegrated. Goddamnit.
But regardless of what it seems like, I generally try to keep a positive outlook on life and the holidays. I know that things change, and that change makes the world go round. I love the holidays, because somewhere in there, the 8 year old in me is still lurking. And I know that Mimi, Joe, and Memaw are still here. Even if I can't see them, or hug them, or ask them questions and have them answer me directly, they're still here. And I can still talk to them anytime I want. And I know that they still love me, and I hope they're still proud of me.
Sheesh, sometimes I wish I didn't have long eyelashes...because when I cry with my glasses on, my eyelashes splash little tear droplets all over the inside of the lenses. Pooey.
Other than all that mess, I'm doing relatively okay. I'm excited about going home in just about a week. It seems like it's been forever since I was at home, when it's actually only been about 6 weeks or so. Gosh. It'll be good to see everybody.
I have other horse-related news, but I'll write about that tomorrow. I'm sleepy now.
It's getting frightfully close to Christmas. I love the holiday season, but it really makes me miss my Mim. It's been hard the past couple of years to get into the Christmas spirit without her (and Memaw) here. I mean, I know that I'll never forget my Christmases with them, and I know that I'll have lots more Christmases to come, but right now, it makes me sad. I really miss Mimi. I have my pictures of them up on my walls, but it just isn't the same. I'd give just about anything to have one more normal Christmas season, with all of my loved ones back together, just like it used to be. With so many presents in the living room that there wasn't even room to walk, and not enough chairs for everyone to sit in. Trips with Memaw to a tree farm to pick out her special tree. Driving with Mimi to see the Christmas lights and going to the Christmas Eve service at church. Hanging stockings on the fireplace at Mimi's, and getting all of the Christmas stuff out of the hall closet. Piggyback sledding with Joe when it snowed. Riding my pony in the town's Christmas parade with Memaw. Yummy food, and laughter. And everything else that used to make the season special for me. I guess I associate my happiness with the people in my life, and the memories I've made and continue to make with them. I really should appreciate my life and everything I have, but goddamnit, sometimes I just want my Mimi back. I can remember where every single Christmas decoration went in her house. I just wish that I could sit with her on her couch in the living room on Christmas Eve, listen to Christmas music, and look at the tree just one more time. All the shit I inadvertently took for granted all my life...sometimes I just hate myself for it. I know that I constantly showed them that I cared, but sometimes I just wonder what I could have done to show it just a little more. I guess there's no sense in worrying about it now.
Point being, this year's Christmas is going to be the weirdest one yet. Mimi and Joe are gone. Memaw is gone. Unkie B (Mimi's brother) is gone. My parents are split up. My Dad has a girlfriend. My Granddad has a girlfriend. My Mom lives alone with my brother. My Aunt Lea lives alone. My cousin Jody lives alone. My cousin Brian lives in West Tennessee. My cousin Beth is at college. My Aunt Linne and Uncle Steve rarely contact me or my brother. And I live in DC. My entire family has basically disentegrated. Goddamnit.
But regardless of what it seems like, I generally try to keep a positive outlook on life and the holidays. I know that things change, and that change makes the world go round. I love the holidays, because somewhere in there, the 8 year old in me is still lurking. And I know that Mimi, Joe, and Memaw are still here. Even if I can't see them, or hug them, or ask them questions and have them answer me directly, they're still here. And I can still talk to them anytime I want. And I know that they still love me, and I hope they're still proud of me.
Sheesh, sometimes I wish I didn't have long eyelashes...because when I cry with my glasses on, my eyelashes splash little tear droplets all over the inside of the lenses. Pooey.
Other than all that mess, I'm doing relatively okay. I'm excited about going home in just about a week. It seems like it's been forever since I was at home, when it's actually only been about 6 weeks or so. Gosh. It'll be good to see everybody.
I have other horse-related news, but I'll write about that tomorrow. I'm sleepy now.