(no subject)
I have tryed everything...i have taken peoples advice in standing up to him and saying im going to leave but it just dosent seem like anything is getting through and its a shame cuz i love him so so so much and i tryed to be his friend and say come stay here and eat and sleep and be happy with me but i found out he's just not intrested in being with me he said ive changed and its only cuz he's been gone for so long ive forgotten how i lived my life and what my outlook of it was. I would give up the baby and go be with him if he'd let me but he said NO!!! i think i drove him away...and i feel its never going to be the same so i would like to see him one more time..before i leave and make plans to move away..i really thought he would try harder to keep me here but seems to me he doesnt want to leave tawnie and be with me that bad and i never ment to make him hate me as much as he does he's the only one i wanted and now i have to leave him cuz he's not making things better for me every phone call is just another shitty talk telling me he's confused and im confused to and nobodys doing anything to fix it we use to be so happy and if i could id kill the baby today if it ment i could be with him again. He said he'd never replace me and theirs no girl that could ever love him as much as i do...it seems to me he thinks tawnies going to do that for him take care of him and runaway with him and be as fucked up as he is and not value life...no money..no food...nowhere to sleep at all and i would go to him today and be by his side but tawnies their and is going to replace me. Ive made up my mind and im going to arrange for me to move and after i have the baby im giving it away and im never going to look back if he doesnt want it neither do i...im throwing my life away just like he has and if he wont let me do it with him ill do it by myself i wanted to be fucked up and in his place i always said a junkie a bum and thats what im going to do i already talked to my mom about it and im getting emancipated in four or five months and going wherever i can and im going to get away....lately ive been so fucked up over him and its just getting worse cuz he changes his mind about me all the time and i going to commit suicide fuck i hate my life i mean ive hated my life for as long as i can remember but fuck it just seems like the best idea ive ever had...but i stick around only to see if he'll be with me...im so pathetic....why did mylife have to turn out so shittie i thought all my depression was over when me and chris where running away and doing what we wanted and the drugs made everything okay made me not feel and when im done being pregnant im going right back to doing them alone or with him....i dont want to feel anymore. i thought it would be better just to love him to the fullest but he doesnt even belive me when i say that so no point in feeling right?....well im done crying and done trying to be so fucking good and make everybody so proud of me i was never ment to be a mother and a girlfriend to someone so beautiful and i was fucking ridiculous for thinking this one would stay with me...every other boy left me what was so diffrent about him?? i just thought he really trully fucking loved me and wouldnt see how ugly i was inside and out.