An open letter to Kirstie Alley
Dear Ms. Alley,
You are fat. Very fat. Not just a little hefty of or pleasingly plum or big-boned. You are huge, you look like a buffalo. On that billboard I pass everyday on my way to work where you are lounging on a couch with a pink robe on you look like a beached whale wearing pink satin from K-Mart. Has your career really sank to the levels of desperation that your only way to get attention is to get bigger than a house and do a program on Showtime called, 'Fat Actress', couldn't you at least held out for HBO? I mean really! Showtime! And the other day when you were in my store and I was joking around with you it wasn't because I thought you were cool or fun and it certainly wasn't because I thought you were attractive. It was because I wanted you to buy the $900 dollar shoes you were trying on. And thankfully for me and my paycheck you did. Seriously Kirstie, you need to go on a diet, try it Atkins, or Southbeach, or maybe give Trimspa a chance, it worked for Anna Nicole. And if all else fails, starvation is always an option. I hear it's hard but some have noted the smoking helps. Do whatever you have to do because you're starting to look like John Candy right after leaving an all-you-can-eat buffet.
You are fat. Very fat. Not just a little hefty of or pleasingly plum or big-boned. You are huge, you look like a buffalo. On that billboard I pass everyday on my way to work where you are lounging on a couch with a pink robe on you look like a beached whale wearing pink satin from K-Mart. Has your career really sank to the levels of desperation that your only way to get attention is to get bigger than a house and do a program on Showtime called, 'Fat Actress', couldn't you at least held out for HBO? I mean really! Showtime! And the other day when you were in my store and I was joking around with you it wasn't because I thought you were cool or fun and it certainly wasn't because I thought you were attractive. It was because I wanted you to buy the $900 dollar shoes you were trying on. And thankfully for me and my paycheck you did. Seriously Kirstie, you need to go on a diet, try it Atkins, or Southbeach, or maybe give Trimspa a chance, it worked for Anna Nicole. And if all else fails, starvation is always an option. I hear it's hard but some have noted the smoking helps. Do whatever you have to do because you're starting to look like John Candy right after leaving an all-you-can-eat buffet.