Brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favorite things....
Ah the holidays are back, how we love the holidays. I thought I make just a little post about a few of my favorite holiday joys. There are some particularly wonderful things in store for Pete for the holidays since I work in retail, it's like all the great holiday joys are felt double for me, or maybe even triple or more. So here's a few of my favorite things:
The Salvation Army Bellringers
There is nothing on this planet that can instill in me the desire to murder more quickly and intensely than those infernal bellringers. And I noticed that they have started wearing aprons that say "I'm a Salvation Army Bellringer" on them. What the devil are those for. Was anyone wondering what you were? Didn't the constant ringing of the bell tip people off. Then the other day I saw one of those punks out there ringing his bell and to add insult to injury HE HAD HEADPHONES ON. We all had to listen to that stupid ringing, but he gets to hum along to his headphones, there should be a rule against that, anyone who rings a bell non-stop for hours on end must also listen to the bell or have his eyes gouged out with spoons.
Parking
Parking is murder during the holidays, traffic isn't that great either. I work at the mall and let me tell you the parking lot is a battlefield. And since it's the holidays and everyone is in a rush and flustered they feel justified in behaving like animals. They should change that old saying to go like this: All's fair in love, war, and parking.
The Music
I don't think any thing more needs to be said. If you think it's bad try working at the mall, listening to that rubbish all day. It's enough to drive me to drinkin' and drive off my Hot Rod Saturn.
The Hot Gift of the Year
There was Tickle-Me Elmo and there were Beanie-Babies and there have been others, it seems every year there's a item that becomes the gift all persue and few attain. They even made a movie about this phenomenon staring none other than Govenor Schwartzawhatever. So far this year, at least to my knowledge, an item of this type has yet to emerge from the toy world, but let me tell you, it is alive and kickin' in the shoe world.
The item: Ugg Boots www.uggaustralia.com
As you can probably infer from the URL they come from Australia. The company has been around for a while but not until this year did they attain celebrity status when some annoying celebrity with no taste donned these hideous and cheap boots and the whole world went topsy-turvy. The name is not misleading they are ugly, and they are also cheaply made and fall apart overnight but EVERYONE wants them. I would say that conservatively we get 100 phone calls everyday looking for them, I am not exaggerating. We have pages and pages and pages of people on a waiting list if we get them. I have seem them selling on eBay for upwards of $500 (they cost $110 new). And these people don't seem to know what the word NO means, they won't let it go. That's why we created the waiting list, so we could get them off of the phone, otherwise they won't accept that we don't have them and cannot get them.
The Holiday Greetings
What do you say when someone wishes you a merry christmas? It's a problem I've been contending with for years and I have come up with a few winning responses:
Thanks, but I observe Chanukah. That makes them feel like a real heel, and it's insulting, kill two birds with one stone.
Try reading an encyclopedia once in a while, I don't worship the sun you pagan swine. This doesn't usually go over too well, and it's misunderstood but I still thoroughly enjoy saying it.
I'm already married. Also misunderstood for the most part, but is actually found funny if they get it.
Are you aware the Christ was not born on December 25 but months earlier when it was still warm enough for shepards to be tending sheep outdoors and for a baby to born in an barn?
OK that's all I can think of at the moment so I'll return you to your normal life, see you later.
The Salvation Army Bellringers
There is nothing on this planet that can instill in me the desire to murder more quickly and intensely than those infernal bellringers. And I noticed that they have started wearing aprons that say "I'm a Salvation Army Bellringer" on them. What the devil are those for. Was anyone wondering what you were? Didn't the constant ringing of the bell tip people off. Then the other day I saw one of those punks out there ringing his bell and to add insult to injury HE HAD HEADPHONES ON. We all had to listen to that stupid ringing, but he gets to hum along to his headphones, there should be a rule against that, anyone who rings a bell non-stop for hours on end must also listen to the bell or have his eyes gouged out with spoons.
Parking
Parking is murder during the holidays, traffic isn't that great either. I work at the mall and let me tell you the parking lot is a battlefield. And since it's the holidays and everyone is in a rush and flustered they feel justified in behaving like animals. They should change that old saying to go like this: All's fair in love, war, and parking.
The Music
I don't think any thing more needs to be said. If you think it's bad try working at the mall, listening to that rubbish all day. It's enough to drive me to drinkin' and drive off my Hot Rod Saturn.
The Hot Gift of the Year
There was Tickle-Me Elmo and there were Beanie-Babies and there have been others, it seems every year there's a item that becomes the gift all persue and few attain. They even made a movie about this phenomenon staring none other than Govenor Schwartzawhatever. So far this year, at least to my knowledge, an item of this type has yet to emerge from the toy world, but let me tell you, it is alive and kickin' in the shoe world.
The item: Ugg Boots www.uggaustralia.com
As you can probably infer from the URL they come from Australia. The company has been around for a while but not until this year did they attain celebrity status when some annoying celebrity with no taste donned these hideous and cheap boots and the whole world went topsy-turvy. The name is not misleading they are ugly, and they are also cheaply made and fall apart overnight but EVERYONE wants them. I would say that conservatively we get 100 phone calls everyday looking for them, I am not exaggerating. We have pages and pages and pages of people on a waiting list if we get them. I have seem them selling on eBay for upwards of $500 (they cost $110 new). And these people don't seem to know what the word NO means, they won't let it go. That's why we created the waiting list, so we could get them off of the phone, otherwise they won't accept that we don't have them and cannot get them.
The Holiday Greetings
What do you say when someone wishes you a merry christmas? It's a problem I've been contending with for years and I have come up with a few winning responses:
Thanks, but I observe Chanukah. That makes them feel like a real heel, and it's insulting, kill two birds with one stone.
Try reading an encyclopedia once in a while, I don't worship the sun you pagan swine. This doesn't usually go over too well, and it's misunderstood but I still thoroughly enjoy saying it.
I'm already married. Also misunderstood for the most part, but is actually found funny if they get it.
Are you aware the Christ was not born on December 25 but months earlier when it was still warm enough for shepards to be tending sheep outdoors and for a baby to born in an barn?
OK that's all I can think of at the moment so I'll return you to your normal life, see you later.