and it starts again
I can't sleep. It's stress. I fell asleep ok, but once I kind of surfaced from a dream in the middle of the night, instead of turning over and going back to sleep, I remembered my stress. And then I was wide awake with no going back.
I guess its sort of like...suppose you have a prolonged battle with cancer. And it goes into remission. After years of being on your deathbed, you get up, grow your hair back, learn to eat again, walk again, and you get back to living and being in your family and having your life, and you think its finally behind you for good. But after a few years, the cancer comes back, and now you're right back where you started, and maybe even worse off because beating it a second time around is going to be even harder if not impossible.
Its the feeling of "I don't know if I have the strength to fight this for a second time"
No I don't have cancer. I have mormon parents.
Years ago I left the mormon church. My parents freaked out. Specifically my mom freaked out. She told my family that they should all try not to talk to me much "so that I'd feel the void and want to come back to church." But whenever I would confront her with the night and day difference in how much contact we had, she would tell me I'm crazy, that nothing's wrong, that of course I'm welcome like always, and that it's me who has distanced myself from everyone else. It was insanity but with everyone feeding me the same message, and with me wanting to believe things could be ok again and maybe we could sort out this misunderstanding and go back to how things were, I had a hard time even figuring out what was true.
For three years, as the holidays came around, they would drop all sorts of hints that I shouldn't come home for christmas. But whenever I'd directly bring up the topic it was "of course you're allowed to come, why would you even ask such a thing?" Then they'd go back to hinting and discouraging so strongly that I stayed away for three years.
Eventually I said fuck it. I have little brothers who are starting to forget who I am. I'm going home for them, and I don't care if my mom wants me there or not.
Once I told my dad I was coming, he seemed happy. Thing with my dad is, he's pussywhipped in the extreme. He doesn't personally have a problem with me, but he feels that he has to obey my mom with whatever she dictates that they are going to do in regards to me. So when my mom told him to do his best to discourage me from coming home, he obeyed. However, once I told him I'm coming home anyways, he was relieved because he no longer had to discourage me from coming - I was coming home anyways. At that point he told me things that mom had lied to my face about. He told me that she had planned to discourage me from coming home "until the youngest turns 18". The youngest was 9 when I left. She planned to do her best to keep me away for 9 years.
But what happened after that is, I came home several christmases. Everyone was happy and warm and loving and excited to see me. My mom was coolly polite. She didn't make a scene, and everyone else's welcome easily made up for her lukewarm response. I figured that whole shunning was a thing of the past.
But then, Michael, who is 9 years younger than me - he turned 18. He left for college. And all his concerns/questions/issues with the church hit the same point that mine did, at an even younger age than they did for me. He'd arrived at the same conclusion that the mormon church couldn't possibly be true and that he was going to leave the church too.
Of course, I welcomed it. It was very affirming to see someone else in my family go the same direction as me. I view my decision to leave the church as the best thing I ever did, aside from the family ordeal, and I was excited for him that his life could be so much better and happier outside the church. Also, I was happy to have another member of the family that I could speak openly with, and not feel that I had to hide most of who I am from them - someone who wouldn't judge me and I wouldn't judge him either.
The problem is, my mom believes that he's only questioning the church because I poisoned his mind, because I convinced him to no longer believe. This isn't true - he came to all his conclusions on his own, and I merely listened and supported him in whatever he decided to do. But thats not how she sees it.
I know my parents wanted to see our chat logs. Travis, the 25 yr old, who is virtually their spokesperson, said to Michael a few months back "If Janelle isn't behind this, then why don't you show us your chat logs with her if you have nothing to hide?"
Then, somehow, my parents got into Michael's email. He thinks that he had left his account logged in accidentally on their computer and they'd just poked around during a single timed in session (read: limited damage). I think they keylogged his password and have had access for a while. We know about this because they dug around and found some sort of sex-related spam, and called Michael's bishop right before an interview, and told the bishop that Michael was "soliciting sex online" and that he needs to talk to Michael about it during their worthiness interview.
I'm not going to get into all the drama and fallout around that, but it was a mess.
But since then, for the past few months, my mom and me haven't spoken. This is normal for us - we rarely speak anyways - so the only thing that made me even suspect something was up, is my knowledge that they'd had access to Michael's email, and that they've been jonesing for our chat logs, which are right there, and which are full of us complaining about our parents and discussing various flaws with the mormon church.
I figured I had better kind of "ping" the system to find out how bad the damage was. I knew I couldn't openly ask. My mom never speaks to me about it directly if she has a problem with me. She bitches to everyone else and then tries to avoid me and cut me off, that's her MO. I knew I wouldn't be told anything, no matter how upset they were or how bad it was.
I sent them an email, "Hey do you still have that showerhead I brought home for christmas last year? I know you decided not to install it, and now my showerhead is leaking water around the edges, can you find it and set it aside and I'll pick it up when I come home for christmas? It's not an emergency, I can get by just fine in the meantime, but I've got to replace mine eventually and figured I'd use it if you aren't and if you've still got it." Or something to that effect.
The point of the email was the "I'll pick it up when I come home for christmas." Letting them know that I plan on coming, and that if they have a problem with this, they should say something now before I make arrangements.
They didn't respond to this email at all, but a week later my showerhead showed up in the mail.
That was pretty clearly a hint that I don't need to come home for christmas. But I played stupid. I sent my dad a "wow thanks you didn't have to go to the trouble, I really could have waited until christmastime, but thanks for sending it so promptly!" email.
That was two months ago.
Yesterday I got the following email.
Hi Janelle,
In your emails about the showerhead, you allude to coming here for Christmas. We are still working on Christmas plans and aren't decided on a number of things. It is quite possible we won't even be here over the Christmas break. Please discuss with me before making any plans.
Hope you stay healthy & dodge the flu.
Love,
Dad
We're back to where we were 5 years ago. Strong hints to stay away. I should mention a few things. Not once, in 27 years, have we spent christmas anywhere other than home. Also it's extremely significant that my dad is sending this email - he NEVER is the one to communicate family plans or arrange holiday schedules. My mom has always been the official communicator-with-children-away-from-home. Even back when things were good, my relationship with my dad was one which was resumed over summers and christmases when I was home, and put on hold while I was away. I could always call him if I had something specific to ask him, but he'd never call or write just to hear "whats up". That was my mom's job.
So the fact that my dad is writing, establishes what I suspected - I'm getting the silent treatment from my mom.
Of course thats not the point. The point is that my mom is trying to keep me from coming home for christmas.
Ok so what now? Things are very different from how they were 5 years ago. Back then, I expected my mom to love me, and I was trying to get her to care, and I was trying to get her to miss me. That's why I responded to hints that I was unwelcome, because I was waiting for her to miss me and to realize her mistake and to apologize and welcome me back.
I'm definitely not at that point any more. I gave up on any sort of genuine relationship with my mom years ago. How she feels about me, is in no way a factor in any of my decisions or thinking around this issue.
I've decided, that anything short of being explicitly told that I am not allowed in their house, and I am coming home for christmas.
Now I haven't told them this. But with this in mind, I'm playing stupid. I will respond to all the hints by just not getting the hint. I'll respond to that email with a cheerful "Ok, well I have to figure out what time I can get off work anyways, hopefully that'll give you some time to figure things out on your end, and I'll let you know once I've got the time off!" (haven't responded yet)
But what's keeping me up at night and stressing me out, is this growing fear that I'm underestimating the depth of my mom's fury. The thing is, she kept me away from home for three years for no offense other than simply not being mormon. I was always, consistently, the kind generous bigger person, but the simple fact of not being mormon alone, made her want me gone for three years.
Now, she actually has something tangible to be angry about. How much worse will it be now?
I'm worried that once it becomes clear to them that I'm coming unless they explicitly forbid it, that they will explicitly forbid it. And if I am explicitly banned from seeing them, then, at that point, what is left? With Travis in law school in Virginia, Derrick at BYU in Utah, Michael at BYU in Hawaii, and me in Texas, Christmastime is the only time we see each other. If I am not allowed for Christmas, then I'm cut off from my entire family, not just my mom.
And I don't even know what I'd do from there.
But until my mom openly proclaims, to me and to everyone else, that she is the one who is forbidding me from seeing my family...until then, I'm going home for christmas. Nothing short of an open, explicit ban will stop me.
But what if she does it?
I guess its sort of like...suppose you have a prolonged battle with cancer. And it goes into remission. After years of being on your deathbed, you get up, grow your hair back, learn to eat again, walk again, and you get back to living and being in your family and having your life, and you think its finally behind you for good. But after a few years, the cancer comes back, and now you're right back where you started, and maybe even worse off because beating it a second time around is going to be even harder if not impossible.
Its the feeling of "I don't know if I have the strength to fight this for a second time"
No I don't have cancer. I have mormon parents.
Years ago I left the mormon church. My parents freaked out. Specifically my mom freaked out. She told my family that they should all try not to talk to me much "so that I'd feel the void and want to come back to church." But whenever I would confront her with the night and day difference in how much contact we had, she would tell me I'm crazy, that nothing's wrong, that of course I'm welcome like always, and that it's me who has distanced myself from everyone else. It was insanity but with everyone feeding me the same message, and with me wanting to believe things could be ok again and maybe we could sort out this misunderstanding and go back to how things were, I had a hard time even figuring out what was true.
For three years, as the holidays came around, they would drop all sorts of hints that I shouldn't come home for christmas. But whenever I'd directly bring up the topic it was "of course you're allowed to come, why would you even ask such a thing?" Then they'd go back to hinting and discouraging so strongly that I stayed away for three years.
Eventually I said fuck it. I have little brothers who are starting to forget who I am. I'm going home for them, and I don't care if my mom wants me there or not.
Once I told my dad I was coming, he seemed happy. Thing with my dad is, he's pussywhipped in the extreme. He doesn't personally have a problem with me, but he feels that he has to obey my mom with whatever she dictates that they are going to do in regards to me. So when my mom told him to do his best to discourage me from coming home, he obeyed. However, once I told him I'm coming home anyways, he was relieved because he no longer had to discourage me from coming - I was coming home anyways. At that point he told me things that mom had lied to my face about. He told me that she had planned to discourage me from coming home "until the youngest turns 18". The youngest was 9 when I left. She planned to do her best to keep me away for 9 years.
But what happened after that is, I came home several christmases. Everyone was happy and warm and loving and excited to see me. My mom was coolly polite. She didn't make a scene, and everyone else's welcome easily made up for her lukewarm response. I figured that whole shunning was a thing of the past.
But then, Michael, who is 9 years younger than me - he turned 18. He left for college. And all his concerns/questions/issues with the church hit the same point that mine did, at an even younger age than they did for me. He'd arrived at the same conclusion that the mormon church couldn't possibly be true and that he was going to leave the church too.
Of course, I welcomed it. It was very affirming to see someone else in my family go the same direction as me. I view my decision to leave the church as the best thing I ever did, aside from the family ordeal, and I was excited for him that his life could be so much better and happier outside the church. Also, I was happy to have another member of the family that I could speak openly with, and not feel that I had to hide most of who I am from them - someone who wouldn't judge me and I wouldn't judge him either.
The problem is, my mom believes that he's only questioning the church because I poisoned his mind, because I convinced him to no longer believe. This isn't true - he came to all his conclusions on his own, and I merely listened and supported him in whatever he decided to do. But thats not how she sees it.
I know my parents wanted to see our chat logs. Travis, the 25 yr old, who is virtually their spokesperson, said to Michael a few months back "If Janelle isn't behind this, then why don't you show us your chat logs with her if you have nothing to hide?"
Then, somehow, my parents got into Michael's email. He thinks that he had left his account logged in accidentally on their computer and they'd just poked around during a single timed in session (read: limited damage). I think they keylogged his password and have had access for a while. We know about this because they dug around and found some sort of sex-related spam, and called Michael's bishop right before an interview, and told the bishop that Michael was "soliciting sex online" and that he needs to talk to Michael about it during their worthiness interview.
I'm not going to get into all the drama and fallout around that, but it was a mess.
But since then, for the past few months, my mom and me haven't spoken. This is normal for us - we rarely speak anyways - so the only thing that made me even suspect something was up, is my knowledge that they'd had access to Michael's email, and that they've been jonesing for our chat logs, which are right there, and which are full of us complaining about our parents and discussing various flaws with the mormon church.
I figured I had better kind of "ping" the system to find out how bad the damage was. I knew I couldn't openly ask. My mom never speaks to me about it directly if she has a problem with me. She bitches to everyone else and then tries to avoid me and cut me off, that's her MO. I knew I wouldn't be told anything, no matter how upset they were or how bad it was.
I sent them an email, "Hey do you still have that showerhead I brought home for christmas last year? I know you decided not to install it, and now my showerhead is leaking water around the edges, can you find it and set it aside and I'll pick it up when I come home for christmas? It's not an emergency, I can get by just fine in the meantime, but I've got to replace mine eventually and figured I'd use it if you aren't and if you've still got it." Or something to that effect.
The point of the email was the "I'll pick it up when I come home for christmas." Letting them know that I plan on coming, and that if they have a problem with this, they should say something now before I make arrangements.
They didn't respond to this email at all, but a week later my showerhead showed up in the mail.
That was pretty clearly a hint that I don't need to come home for christmas. But I played stupid. I sent my dad a "wow thanks you didn't have to go to the trouble, I really could have waited until christmastime, but thanks for sending it so promptly!" email.
That was two months ago.
Yesterday I got the following email.
Hi Janelle,
In your emails about the showerhead, you allude to coming here for Christmas. We are still working on Christmas plans and aren't decided on a number of things. It is quite possible we won't even be here over the Christmas break. Please discuss with me before making any plans.
Hope you stay healthy & dodge the flu.
Love,
Dad
We're back to where we were 5 years ago. Strong hints to stay away. I should mention a few things. Not once, in 27 years, have we spent christmas anywhere other than home. Also it's extremely significant that my dad is sending this email - he NEVER is the one to communicate family plans or arrange holiday schedules. My mom has always been the official communicator-with-children-away-from-home. Even back when things were good, my relationship with my dad was one which was resumed over summers and christmases when I was home, and put on hold while I was away. I could always call him if I had something specific to ask him, but he'd never call or write just to hear "whats up". That was my mom's job.
So the fact that my dad is writing, establishes what I suspected - I'm getting the silent treatment from my mom.
Of course thats not the point. The point is that my mom is trying to keep me from coming home for christmas.
Ok so what now? Things are very different from how they were 5 years ago. Back then, I expected my mom to love me, and I was trying to get her to care, and I was trying to get her to miss me. That's why I responded to hints that I was unwelcome, because I was waiting for her to miss me and to realize her mistake and to apologize and welcome me back.
I'm definitely not at that point any more. I gave up on any sort of genuine relationship with my mom years ago. How she feels about me, is in no way a factor in any of my decisions or thinking around this issue.
I've decided, that anything short of being explicitly told that I am not allowed in their house, and I am coming home for christmas.
Now I haven't told them this. But with this in mind, I'm playing stupid. I will respond to all the hints by just not getting the hint. I'll respond to that email with a cheerful "Ok, well I have to figure out what time I can get off work anyways, hopefully that'll give you some time to figure things out on your end, and I'll let you know once I've got the time off!" (haven't responded yet)
But what's keeping me up at night and stressing me out, is this growing fear that I'm underestimating the depth of my mom's fury. The thing is, she kept me away from home for three years for no offense other than simply not being mormon. I was always, consistently, the kind generous bigger person, but the simple fact of not being mormon alone, made her want me gone for three years.
Now, she actually has something tangible to be angry about. How much worse will it be now?
I'm worried that once it becomes clear to them that I'm coming unless they explicitly forbid it, that they will explicitly forbid it. And if I am explicitly banned from seeing them, then, at that point, what is left? With Travis in law school in Virginia, Derrick at BYU in Utah, Michael at BYU in Hawaii, and me in Texas, Christmastime is the only time we see each other. If I am not allowed for Christmas, then I'm cut off from my entire family, not just my mom.
And I don't even know what I'd do from there.
But until my mom openly proclaims, to me and to everyone else, that she is the one who is forbidding me from seeing my family...until then, I'm going home for christmas. Nothing short of an open, explicit ban will stop me.
But what if she does it?