Nonlinear Orthography
I don't know how many of you have read about the recent exciting discoveries in nonlinear orthography. Last week saw a long-awaited breakthrough with the confirmation of the letter Quinge (sorry, I don't have a key for it on my keyboard), which comes slightly before the letter J and roughly 1.371 ems below the line, where no one had previously looked. This pretty much destroys the Standard Theory of spelling. Theoretical orthographers now speculate that there may be as many as 338 letters in the English alphabet, and are urgently seeking funding for upgrades to EHEA, the European High-Energy Abcedary in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.