blah (therapy rant)
So I broke down in therapy today. My therapist was none too pleased to see my defenses acting up, but I feel like it's her job to be able to handle that and still provide me with therapy. So while I was having a hard time and crying my spiked armor activated and she got defensive. Yes, lady, I have issues. If I were able to control all the things and keep from being defensive and be perfectly calm and rational all the time I wouldn't need you. So buck up and therapize me already! I ask her how to do the things she tells me to do. I get no real answers. When I try to do them and nothing happens, she tells me to just keep doing it. Well, see, I have a problem with failure. And what's that saying about psychosis being doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Or is it not psychotic because it's something you're telling me to do? So again I'm in therapy and I'm going and talking and crying and I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything because the shit has not improved. So why do I bother? Because I'm stupid. Hope just seems stupid sometimes. I don't know if my meds are helping enough. They always tell me, oh when things settle down and you get into a routine...and I try to explain that that isn't happening any time soon but I have to learn some tricks to stay with it in the meantime, then I'm just being impatient. Oh, I need time to settle in. No, I'm trying to get out of the situation I'm because I'm full of shame and rage at myself and I want to take care of myself and she is just not helping. But I keep going, thinking maybe next time it will be different.