Sitting inside my head...
“I walk around this town as buildings close and windows are boarded
I think about you
When I hear a door slam in the wind and the glass on the mat says welcome
I think about you
Sitting inside my head, Laughing at what I said
Come on baby let's have another toast
You might think I'm dense, laughing at my expense
Fill the cup let's wash away the ghost
In this ghost town where we live there's a wanted poster of you on every corner
She keeps asking me 'who's that' and 'what's her name?'
But I choke on every letter, as the glass flies off the table
I keep telling her I ain't the one to blame
Sitting inside my head, Laughing at what I said
Come on baby let's have another toast
You might think I'm dense, laughing at my expense
Fill the cup let's wash away the ghost
I left when I was gone, I didn't feel a thing
I never dreamt you'd haunt me this long after
But the buildings crumble down, as I run from the town
I hear you breathe and I listen to your laughter
Sitting inside my head, Laughing at what I said
Come on baby let's have another toast
You might think I'm dense, laughing at my expense
Fill the cup let's wash away the ghost
I walk around this town as buildings close and windows are boarded
I think about you
When I hear a door slam in the wind and the glass on the mat that says Welcome
I think about you”
Sitting Inside My Head- Supergroove
This morning I walked to Grafton campus and for some reason the lyrics to this song popped into my head. I guess for no other reason the whole ghost town mentality resonates with the fact that I was walking along Grafton Bridge and subsequently over Grafton Cemetery. The thing is whenever I make this trek I become melancholy and somewhat pensive. I can’t help but think that a motorway running through a cemetery, no matter how old is just plain wrong. I find myself drawn to the trees and the relic-like canopy they represent and can’t help but feel that death pervades their skeletal branches. And then there is the bridge itself. Although there are barriers running along the sides they really only further enhance the fact that so many have found themselves at such low points in their lives that they chose to use the bridge as their final stop before departing the land of the living. Death certainly pervades and I sometimes wonder if it is my own inclination to dwell on the dark side that leads me into such sombre moods- I wonder if I am the only one who thinks of such things amidst the midday traffic.
When you start your day in such away I guess things can only improve from there right? The thing is at the moment I feel stuck in some kind of Alternate Universe. It’s like the degree of the earths axis has been moved a fraction and suddenly everything looks different, feels different. They best word I can probably use is nostalgia. Suddenly I’m nostalgic for a place I haven’t even left yet and to be quite frank I’m scared shitless. So of course I suddenly seem to need to buy Supergroove’s 'best of' album and an I ‘huffer’ NZ hoodie just in case I might forget who I am and where I come from when I land on the other side of the globe in less than a week.
As with most of life’s ebbs and flows so many endings are occurring at the same time as a new beginning is about to commence. Last night was my last night of working in the Sky Tower and I feel kind of empty. After four years I no longer have to put up with inane questions about how long I have to stay inside a lift, I no longer have to endure lame jokes about how many ups and downs I must have and I no longer have to smile when people basically put down my job and insult me right in front of my face. I can now let go of my Lift four speech which has become second nature to me and … what? I suppose when you leave normal behind you find that you end up missing it no matter how mundane it was. The truth of the matter is that working at the Sky Tower has played a major role in helping to shape me into the person I am today. I know it sounds like a cliché, but in retrospect I entered that place as a shy, unconfident 17 year old that had just been through two of the most devastating losses of her life. Today, I may not be the most extroverted and confident person in the world but I have my moments when I feel as though I’m on the right track and I owe that to a job which forced me to interact with strangers and gave me some of the best friendships I have experienced so far in my life. I can appreciate the 'day-oners' now- why leave security behind?
As an aside I went out for ‘farewell’ drinks with Julie after work on Saturday night to where else but Globe. I won't miss the place but definately the company and I must say that although I've kind of been doing my whole 'turtle hidding in its shell' routine a lot this year I still will miss that friendship and I really am looking forward to meeting up with her and Hanna in the States. Julie and Bird have been two great friends- both are the Shiz- and I really don’t want to lose them in my life but I guess it’s my turn to see what this life has to offer me and I’ll just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other as I continue down the pathway that is being laid before me.
Geez, could I sound any sappier if I tried? I really should be shot sometimes for my over the top cheesiness! Oh and my experiment didn’t work or did I guess in a way. I mean if I can’t google myself then I guess I’m relatively safe in my little hub of introspection, right? Hmm is it just me of do my mood stars look like they've been reared on a diet of speed or crack?
“I could tell you that I’m always going to miss you, I could tell you that I’ll never be the same, you won’t even hear me…”
Out of the Moon- Goldenhorse