IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK?
i cant take it anymore.
im a strong person.
im not a negative person. im not a pessimistic person. not in the fucking LEAST but i cant stand this. with absolutely ever drop of cliche drained from my words, I CANNOT STAND THIS, I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. i havent had one single night of peaceful sleep. and i havent had one good dream for as long as i havent had peaceful sleep.
i am learning firsthand how one can be SURROUNDED by love and comfort...yet somehow not feel any of it. i have NO idea WHAT has been going the fuck on with me, i have NO idea at ALL. i am so horribly alone in a world filled with family and friends. and i dont know why or how, or when it will end. but i wish it would end now. last night i CRIED and CRIED and CRIIIIIIEEEEDD...just DESPERATE to have my heart come out of my mouth. i could feel it in my throat, just this longing to yell out the sobs that were trapped in my chest. i just wanted to throw myself on the floor. i feel really helpless. all i want...ALL i want...is somebody that will HOLD ME and KISS ME and BE THERE. no, i take that back...not just anybody. either of those two people...ugh. i cant stop IMAGINING IT. hes RIGHT THERE. hes been RIGHT THERE for FOUR FUCKING YEARS. what the FUCK is holding me back??
oh yeah.
the certainty that i would be rejected...
i learned what rejection felt like this week. i was sOOOOO into jason, ridiculously...i wasnt in it for attachment or ANYTHING like that...i just saw that we were both people who like affection and FUN so i figured we'd be okay together, not in it for anything serious, just for fucking FUN just to HAVE FUN. and being his friend is just as good i suppose, but that emptiness is still there, waiting to be filled.
geoff is what i always imagined i would need to be completed. i will go right out and say it. i dont care if he finds out anymore (i'm sure that this will change if he ever DOES find out). but just...geoff listen--we've known each other for four years...since seventh grade. you dont know me as well as i know you because you always had the admirable confidence i lacked. i have known you for so long, and i see myself in everything you do or say. we are SO much more alike that you would think. its ridiculous. im not making excuses im not making exaggerations. im not that type of person when it comes to this. i dont lie to myself when it comes to you. it is absolutely, totally and utterly inexplicable the feelings i have for you. you are the one person who makes my heart race when i say two words to you. you are the one person who i have admired consistently for so long i dont know anything else to believe. you are what i've thought i've always wanted. somebody who is compassionate, kind, ambitious, considerate, responsible, artistic, creative, intelligent, and you touch my heart. some how. i dont know how, and i have proven i've spent four years trying to figure it out. i've waited four years for you to give me a chance...maybe i'll never get that chance...maybe i have to achieve that chance on my own now. i dont know. all i know is that we are SO alike. and maybe...JUST mayyyybe one day you'll notice it. we're a mirror of each other. i just CANNNTTTT live knowing i never found out for sure.
on the other hand...
YOU, yes YOU...i've been doing everything in my power to forget you. to put you behind me. just to wait it out. and hope. and forget. and ignore. and be fucking STRONG above everything else. i dont even know what to say. you make me happier than i've ever been and you make me feel lower than six feet under. i feel tortured and enchanted by you. and i cant fucking stand it. you drive me crazy and i have fallen so fucking hard for you that i will never heal from these bruises. you are my sky. you are my love. i've never loved before i knew you. you make me feel things that i cant even explain. you make me flutter, you make me flounder. you make me feel like stabbing myself to pieces and standing outside my torn body to watch myself bleed into nothing. i've been ripped to shreds by you, i've been uplifted and held by you. i cant handle you, i cant live without you. im living a paradox when it comes to you. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WONT YOU EVER SHOW ME ANY EMOTION. if you LOVE ME, why dont you SHOW ME THAT YOU LOVE ME? if i make you SAD, why dont you CRY? if i make you MAD, why dont you RAISE YOUR VOICE? if i make you happy, WHYYYYYYYYYYYY DONNNNNT YOUUUU TELLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
WHY DONT YOU CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE THAT I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVEEERRRRRYYY NIGHT BECAUSE OF YOUUUUU WHY DONT YOU CAAAAAAAAAARE THAT EVERY FUCKING DAY I WISH TO FUCKING GOOOOOD, A GOD I DONT EVEN BELIEVE EXISTS, WHY DONT YOU CARE I WISH TO YOUR GOD THAT YOU WERE BESIDE ME?????????? WHY DONT YOU CARE THAT I AM EEEEEEMMMMMPPPPPPTTTTTYYYYYYY BECAUSE OF YOU
WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE EVER ASSURED ME
WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE EVER TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME...LOVE YA AND ILU DO NOT INSTILL ASSURANCE
WHEN LOVE WAS FABRICATED FOR ME FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME AND THEN DISINTEGRATED TO EVERY LYING THREAD BEFORE ME, WHY COULDNT YOU BE UNDERSTANDING? WHY COULDNT YOU BE COMFORTING? WHY COULDNT YOU CCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE
IF I FUCKING MATTER, STOP SHRUGGING ME OFF. STOP HIDING BEHIND THAT NAME. STOP HIIIIDINNNGGG BEHIND YOUR NAAAAAAAMMMMMEEEEEE AND FUCKING TALK TO SOMEBODY WHO LOVES YOU TRULY AND COMPLETELY.
SCREW EVERY FACADE OF MYSTERY YOU INTEND TO KEEP WHY CANT YOU FUCKING SHOW ME HOW YOU FEEELLLLLL
I CANT LIVE OFF OF WORDS AND PROMISES THAT HOLD NO WATER WHEN YOU DONT SHOOOOW MEEEEE
WE ARENT EVEN FUCKING TOGETHER. BUT YOU TELL ME FUCKING THINGS THAT MAKE ME WONDER.
SCREW MAKING SOMETHING SEEM LIKE IT MEANS NOTHING WHEN IT MEANS EVERYTHING.
that will mean nothing but JACK if you dont make somebody FEEL like ANYTHING. why would you live by those words when they make somebody feel meaningless to your life???? you'll be too busy staying loyal to your CREEDS when the person you say means everything is WITHERING AWAY AND IS NO LONGER A PART OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU HAVE FUCKING KILLED THEM.
KILLED, ANNIHILATED, DESTROYED FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
those very FIRST FUCKING DAYS...you said "this isnt going to be easy"
i never expected it to be easy
but i never expected for you to be the one making it hard.
im not myself anymore.
i am lost. everything i say is meaningless. everything i say is meaningless. everything i say is pathetic, ridiculous. everything i say is stupid. everything i say should be silenced.
i...am lost.
i dont care who it is.
i dont care.
just please...
make me feel special.
im a strong person.
im not a negative person. im not a pessimistic person. not in the fucking LEAST but i cant stand this. with absolutely ever drop of cliche drained from my words, I CANNOT STAND THIS, I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. i havent had one single night of peaceful sleep. and i havent had one good dream for as long as i havent had peaceful sleep.
i am learning firsthand how one can be SURROUNDED by love and comfort...yet somehow not feel any of it. i have NO idea WHAT has been going the fuck on with me, i have NO idea at ALL. i am so horribly alone in a world filled with family and friends. and i dont know why or how, or when it will end. but i wish it would end now. last night i CRIED and CRIED and CRIIIIIIEEEEDD...just DESPERATE to have my heart come out of my mouth. i could feel it in my throat, just this longing to yell out the sobs that were trapped in my chest. i just wanted to throw myself on the floor. i feel really helpless. all i want...ALL i want...is somebody that will HOLD ME and KISS ME and BE THERE. no, i take that back...not just anybody. either of those two people...ugh. i cant stop IMAGINING IT. hes RIGHT THERE. hes been RIGHT THERE for FOUR FUCKING YEARS. what the FUCK is holding me back??
oh yeah.
the certainty that i would be rejected...
i learned what rejection felt like this week. i was sOOOOO into jason, ridiculously...i wasnt in it for attachment or ANYTHING like that...i just saw that we were both people who like affection and FUN so i figured we'd be okay together, not in it for anything serious, just for fucking FUN just to HAVE FUN. and being his friend is just as good i suppose, but that emptiness is still there, waiting to be filled.
geoff is what i always imagined i would need to be completed. i will go right out and say it. i dont care if he finds out anymore (i'm sure that this will change if he ever DOES find out). but just...geoff listen--we've known each other for four years...since seventh grade. you dont know me as well as i know you because you always had the admirable confidence i lacked. i have known you for so long, and i see myself in everything you do or say. we are SO much more alike that you would think. its ridiculous. im not making excuses im not making exaggerations. im not that type of person when it comes to this. i dont lie to myself when it comes to you. it is absolutely, totally and utterly inexplicable the feelings i have for you. you are the one person who makes my heart race when i say two words to you. you are the one person who i have admired consistently for so long i dont know anything else to believe. you are what i've thought i've always wanted. somebody who is compassionate, kind, ambitious, considerate, responsible, artistic, creative, intelligent, and you touch my heart. some how. i dont know how, and i have proven i've spent four years trying to figure it out. i've waited four years for you to give me a chance...maybe i'll never get that chance...maybe i have to achieve that chance on my own now. i dont know. all i know is that we are SO alike. and maybe...JUST mayyyybe one day you'll notice it. we're a mirror of each other. i just CANNNTTTT live knowing i never found out for sure.
on the other hand...
YOU, yes YOU...i've been doing everything in my power to forget you. to put you behind me. just to wait it out. and hope. and forget. and ignore. and be fucking STRONG above everything else. i dont even know what to say. you make me happier than i've ever been and you make me feel lower than six feet under. i feel tortured and enchanted by you. and i cant fucking stand it. you drive me crazy and i have fallen so fucking hard for you that i will never heal from these bruises. you are my sky. you are my love. i've never loved before i knew you. you make me feel things that i cant even explain. you make me flutter, you make me flounder. you make me feel like stabbing myself to pieces and standing outside my torn body to watch myself bleed into nothing. i've been ripped to shreds by you, i've been uplifted and held by you. i cant handle you, i cant live without you. im living a paradox when it comes to you. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WONT YOU EVER SHOW ME ANY EMOTION. if you LOVE ME, why dont you SHOW ME THAT YOU LOVE ME? if i make you SAD, why dont you CRY? if i make you MAD, why dont you RAISE YOUR VOICE? if i make you happy, WHYYYYYYYYYYYY DONNNNNT YOUUUU TELLLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHY WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
WHY DONT YOU CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE THAT I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVEEERRRRRYYY NIGHT BECAUSE OF YOUUUUU WHY DONT YOU CAAAAAAAAAARE THAT EVERY FUCKING DAY I WISH TO FUCKING GOOOOOD, A GOD I DONT EVEN BELIEVE EXISTS, WHY DONT YOU CARE I WISH TO YOUR GOD THAT YOU WERE BESIDE ME?????????? WHY DONT YOU CARE THAT I AM EEEEEEMMMMMPPPPPPTTTTTYYYYYYY BECAUSE OF YOU
WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE EVER ASSURED ME
WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE EVER TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME...LOVE YA AND ILU DO NOT INSTILL ASSURANCE
WHEN LOVE WAS FABRICATED FOR ME FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME AND THEN DISINTEGRATED TO EVERY LYING THREAD BEFORE ME, WHY COULDNT YOU BE UNDERSTANDING? WHY COULDNT YOU BE COMFORTING? WHY COULDNT YOU CCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE
IF I FUCKING MATTER, STOP SHRUGGING ME OFF. STOP HIDING BEHIND THAT NAME. STOP HIIIIDINNNGGG BEHIND YOUR NAAAAAAAMMMMMEEEEEE AND FUCKING TALK TO SOMEBODY WHO LOVES YOU TRULY AND COMPLETELY.
SCREW EVERY FACADE OF MYSTERY YOU INTEND TO KEEP WHY CANT YOU FUCKING SHOW ME HOW YOU FEEELLLLLL
I CANT LIVE OFF OF WORDS AND PROMISES THAT HOLD NO WATER WHEN YOU DONT SHOOOOW MEEEEE
WE ARENT EVEN FUCKING TOGETHER. BUT YOU TELL ME FUCKING THINGS THAT MAKE ME WONDER.
SCREW MAKING SOMETHING SEEM LIKE IT MEANS NOTHING WHEN IT MEANS EVERYTHING.
that will mean nothing but JACK if you dont make somebody FEEL like ANYTHING. why would you live by those words when they make somebody feel meaningless to your life???? you'll be too busy staying loyal to your CREEDS when the person you say means everything is WITHERING AWAY AND IS NO LONGER A PART OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU HAVE FUCKING KILLED THEM.
KILLED, ANNIHILATED, DESTROYED FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
those very FIRST FUCKING DAYS...you said "this isnt going to be easy"
i never expected it to be easy
but i never expected for you to be the one making it hard.
im not myself anymore.
i am lost. everything i say is meaningless. everything i say is meaningless. everything i say is pathetic, ridiculous. everything i say is stupid. everything i say should be silenced.
i...am lost.
i dont care who it is.
i dont care.
just please...
make me feel special.