Old habits...
So after a two and a half week hiatus...I finally returned home only to find the emotional conditions in Bethel worse than ever.
My mom is really starting to find herself totally fed up with Bob, and I can't say I don't understand because he really is a mood-swinging asshole sometimes.
But I feel guilty for the following reasons:
1) I thoroughly believe that at least half the reason my mom doesn't want to stay in Bethel is because I'm never home anymore.
2) My mom expressly told me that if things don't work out with Bob, she's done with romance for the rest of her life and will never try again.
I can't stand how selfish I am. And the worst part is, I recognize this self-indulgent pattern and do nothing to remedy it.
To put it bluntly, I hate being here in Bethel. I hate being so far from my friends. I hate my fat stepbrother. I hate how Bob's ridiculous mood swings bring down the entire house for days at a time.
This place is an emotional ravine that cascades down into infinity, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Bob is allowed to have a meltdown and go into psychological shock for days at a time - but if my mom has even a single ounce of ill temper, Bob can't handle it.
It's not right - and my mom is sick of dealing with it. But I don't really know if I believe that's the main reason for her consideration of departure from all this mess.
Maybe I'm being narcissistic but I feel like it all boils down to me. My silly codependence, feeling like I have to be with my friends every night or I'm somehow being left out of the loop even though logically I know that isn't true.
But even after all that...you know why I'm a really terrible person? Because in the end, if my mom leaves Bob she will be miserable and I will be ecstatic. I will have gotten my way - able to see my mother everyday like we used to and still able to hang out with my new milford crew every night.
See? Told you I was a selfish prick.
My mom is really starting to find herself totally fed up with Bob, and I can't say I don't understand because he really is a mood-swinging asshole sometimes.
But I feel guilty for the following reasons:
1) I thoroughly believe that at least half the reason my mom doesn't want to stay in Bethel is because I'm never home anymore.
2) My mom expressly told me that if things don't work out with Bob, she's done with romance for the rest of her life and will never try again.
I can't stand how selfish I am. And the worst part is, I recognize this self-indulgent pattern and do nothing to remedy it.
To put it bluntly, I hate being here in Bethel. I hate being so far from my friends. I hate my fat stepbrother. I hate how Bob's ridiculous mood swings bring down the entire house for days at a time.
This place is an emotional ravine that cascades down into infinity, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Bob is allowed to have a meltdown and go into psychological shock for days at a time - but if my mom has even a single ounce of ill temper, Bob can't handle it.
It's not right - and my mom is sick of dealing with it. But I don't really know if I believe that's the main reason for her consideration of departure from all this mess.
Maybe I'm being narcissistic but I feel like it all boils down to me. My silly codependence, feeling like I have to be with my friends every night or I'm somehow being left out of the loop even though logically I know that isn't true.
But even after all that...you know why I'm a really terrible person? Because in the end, if my mom leaves Bob she will be miserable and I will be ecstatic. I will have gotten my way - able to see my mother everyday like we used to and still able to hang out with my new milford crew every night.
See? Told you I was a selfish prick.