Finding balance...
My life at this point is such a mess of emotion, of extremes and absolutes. I go from such utter fear and self-loathing one night, to thinking that everything will be ok the next.
While under the influence of marijuana (no lecturing or I might scream), I decided that everyone's life philosophy is the same (yes, I realize that I was stoned and therefore anything I was thinking is ridiculous bullshit, but it meant something to me ok?): everyone just wants to be happy and love life.
Good people are those who can recognize this in their fellow man. They work their best to achieve whatever goals are included with their happiness while at the same time helping their loved ones to achieve the same. Things like compassion and emotional maturity are associated with this idea.
Bad people are those who don't give a shit about anyone else, they step on whoever they have to to find their own happiness. Sometimes their happiness is only possible when they're holding other people down. Things like selfishness and hatred are associated with this idea.
When I think about something like that, something so big that questions an entire life's worth of emotion and action, I have no idea what I am. I used to think I was a good person, and I guess deep down, I still do. Now I know everyone who reads this is going to want to leave me silly, little comments that say, "Don't be silly, of course you're a good person!" And that's sweet and appreciated, but I don't think anyone else can decide that for me.
But really, it's all a question of balance.
Balance is something that I have never had. My emotions are in constant oscillation.
...and believe me...I am not innocent.
I don't know how to stand up for myself. Not in a reasonable way. I remember my mother and I having a conversation about "people pleasers" and tonight, someone pointed out to me that I am one. She didn't really need to do that, it's something I've known for a long time, but now seeing that it's so blatant in myself, it makes me question so many other things.
Like where does one draw the line between standing up for your own happiness and being selfish?
(this is for you)
Is it selfish to leave someone behind in exchange for someone else when that second person makes you so much happier? Despite any feelings of hurt or abandonment that the first person feels, is it really selfish to want happiness for yourself?
Are you being honest, and therefore a good person?
Or are you being cruel, and therefore a bad person?
And where does one draw the line between being honest and being brutal?
(this is for me)
I never allow myself to be heard. Any negative emotion I ever feel toward anyone else is quickly swallowed and placed in a deep pit way down in the darkest part of my being. I hate to hurt people's feelings, I hate when people are mad at me, I want everyone to like me.
And then I get walked on. I can easily name about ten people who I feel have done nothing but take complete advantage of my silence in the face of confrontation.
And then when I feel that I have to say something, that I can't take it anymore, that I'm through being walked all over, I finally say whatever's been boiling deep down inside of me. But it's always too much. Instead of quietly saying what needs to be said, I wind up amplifying every horrible emotion that I was feeling and letting it grow into this God awful stretch of words and cruelty.
It's not that what I'm saying is false, it's what I honestly feel, it's just that the manner in which I say it is so cruel.
So, am I being honest? And therefore a good person?
Or, am I being cruel? And therefore a bad person?
I don't want to be two-faced, but so often I find that honesty = cruelty. They're two words that aren't often thought of as being associated, but when you think about it, they really are.
So where is that balance? Maybe no one has it yet, but I'm afraid I'll never find it.
I'm so lost half the time in my own fear, fear of what I'll become, that I hardly know how to react to any given situation. One minute I think I'm reading it perfectly and the next, I'm certain that I overreacted.
Even now, there are so many things I could say, if I let my anger pilot my words. There are so many awful things that my terrible mind could think of, but what does that mean? Does it make them my real feelings and therefore they should be voiced? Or does it just mean that right now I'm a little hurt and a little mad and when and if this whole thing blows over, I won't find myself thinking those things anymore, and because of that, they should never be said out loud?
So many questions without answers.
"Nothing unknown is knowable." It's the truth, it's cruel honesty, and it terrifies me.
So where does that leave me? Do I find your actions selfish or natural? Maybe both.
Do I find my actions honest or cruel? Again, both.
I will end this only by saying that I apologize for the brutal way in which I said the things I did, but I do not and will not apologize for voicing them in the first place, at least not yet.
While under the influence of marijuana (no lecturing or I might scream), I decided that everyone's life philosophy is the same (yes, I realize that I was stoned and therefore anything I was thinking is ridiculous bullshit, but it meant something to me ok?): everyone just wants to be happy and love life.
Good people are those who can recognize this in their fellow man. They work their best to achieve whatever goals are included with their happiness while at the same time helping their loved ones to achieve the same. Things like compassion and emotional maturity are associated with this idea.
Bad people are those who don't give a shit about anyone else, they step on whoever they have to to find their own happiness. Sometimes their happiness is only possible when they're holding other people down. Things like selfishness and hatred are associated with this idea.
When I think about something like that, something so big that questions an entire life's worth of emotion and action, I have no idea what I am. I used to think I was a good person, and I guess deep down, I still do. Now I know everyone who reads this is going to want to leave me silly, little comments that say, "Don't be silly, of course you're a good person!" And that's sweet and appreciated, but I don't think anyone else can decide that for me.
But really, it's all a question of balance.
Balance is something that I have never had. My emotions are in constant oscillation.
...and believe me...I am not innocent.
I don't know how to stand up for myself. Not in a reasonable way. I remember my mother and I having a conversation about "people pleasers" and tonight, someone pointed out to me that I am one. She didn't really need to do that, it's something I've known for a long time, but now seeing that it's so blatant in myself, it makes me question so many other things.
Like where does one draw the line between standing up for your own happiness and being selfish?
(this is for you)
Is it selfish to leave someone behind in exchange for someone else when that second person makes you so much happier? Despite any feelings of hurt or abandonment that the first person feels, is it really selfish to want happiness for yourself?
Are you being honest, and therefore a good person?
Or are you being cruel, and therefore a bad person?
And where does one draw the line between being honest and being brutal?
(this is for me)
I never allow myself to be heard. Any negative emotion I ever feel toward anyone else is quickly swallowed and placed in a deep pit way down in the darkest part of my being. I hate to hurt people's feelings, I hate when people are mad at me, I want everyone to like me.
And then I get walked on. I can easily name about ten people who I feel have done nothing but take complete advantage of my silence in the face of confrontation.
And then when I feel that I have to say something, that I can't take it anymore, that I'm through being walked all over, I finally say whatever's been boiling deep down inside of me. But it's always too much. Instead of quietly saying what needs to be said, I wind up amplifying every horrible emotion that I was feeling and letting it grow into this God awful stretch of words and cruelty.
It's not that what I'm saying is false, it's what I honestly feel, it's just that the manner in which I say it is so cruel.
So, am I being honest? And therefore a good person?
Or, am I being cruel? And therefore a bad person?
I don't want to be two-faced, but so often I find that honesty = cruelty. They're two words that aren't often thought of as being associated, but when you think about it, they really are.
So where is that balance? Maybe no one has it yet, but I'm afraid I'll never find it.
I'm so lost half the time in my own fear, fear of what I'll become, that I hardly know how to react to any given situation. One minute I think I'm reading it perfectly and the next, I'm certain that I overreacted.
Even now, there are so many things I could say, if I let my anger pilot my words. There are so many awful things that my terrible mind could think of, but what does that mean? Does it make them my real feelings and therefore they should be voiced? Or does it just mean that right now I'm a little hurt and a little mad and when and if this whole thing blows over, I won't find myself thinking those things anymore, and because of that, they should never be said out loud?
So many questions without answers.
"Nothing unknown is knowable." It's the truth, it's cruel honesty, and it terrifies me.
So where does that leave me? Do I find your actions selfish or natural? Maybe both.
Do I find my actions honest or cruel? Again, both.
I will end this only by saying that I apologize for the brutal way in which I said the things I did, but I do not and will not apologize for voicing them in the first place, at least not yet.