Springfic: "The Unspeakables" for curia_regis
Title: The Unspeakables
Author: fpb
Recipient: curia_regis
Character(s): Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 2200
Warnings (highlight to view):Some discussion of Animagus sex
Author's Notes (if any): None
The Unspeakables
“He’s very hostile” said Officer Eight (Ryan MacKenzie) to Officer Seventeen (Radha Sacchidananda). That was a bit of an understatement: the big black dog was hugging the back of the room, as far away from them as he could, snarling with his fangs bared and slightly drooling, showing the plainest possible signs of fighting rage. It seemed only a matter of time before he went for someone’s throat.
“Well, Officer, I’m hardly surprised. We’ve held him and tested him for how long? Days? And found nothing. I say it’s time to try the Anti spell.”
“And if you’re wrong?”
“If I am wrong? Is there any diagnostic spell you haven’t tried? If I’m wrong, we set him free and follow him, and look for signs of any kind of magic we never met before. We won’t get anywhere keeping him here…”
The rest of the phrase was drowned in a bloodcurdling snarl, as the dog suddenly sprang in the general direction of Officer Eight’s throat. The experienced Officer moved sideways, managing to make the dog tumble over and behind him; but as soon as he had, and as he was preparing for another assault, the dog went straight on, running down the corridor. It was just an instinctive Stunner from Officer Seventeen that prevented him from vanishing in a second.
“That’s no dog…” panted the stricken MacKenzie. “That’s not how a dog behaves.”
“He faked you out, didn’t he?”
“He pretended to be snarling. He pretended to be furious. He pretended to be going for my throat… then, as soon as he was over me, he just kept running. Running away.”
There was a silence. Officer Seventeen was too junior to push Officer Eight any further, but her “I told you so” could almost be heard in the small room. The dog lay there, recovering from her Stunner, and looking from one to the other with what the imaginative Officer Seventeen could have sworn was impatience. It was as if he were telling them: If you are going to do it, at least don’t keep me waiting.
“All right, then. We’ll do it your way. Let’s see whether there’s something else inside the animal.”
………………………………………………………
Sirius Black could not exactly explain the sensation of changing from man to animal and back to a human being; the closest he could come - on the rare occasions he would discuss it - was that it was like waking up, but waking from being awake. It was a different kind of wakefulness. As a dog, he did not have - and did not need - words; as a wizard, he lacked the exact way to express his experiences as a dog. One thing, however, he had never experienced yet: he had not been forced from one form to another, as he and Remus had once forced Peter Pettigrew. Now he knew he was going to find out.
Well? What were they waiting for? He knew them, at least he knew what they were, from having seen them in the Ministry; although Padfoot could not have shaped the word “Unspeakables”. He was in the hands of the Ministry, with no escape. He just hoped they’d be quick about it.
…………………………………………………
“Well, well, well,” said Officer Eight. “You were right, Officer Seventeen. Mr.Black, I presume? Sirius Black?”
Officer Seventeen looked at him as if he had lost his mind. Her words and mood were quite different: “All right, Black. I don’t know what you have in those rags of yours, but remember there are two wands in this room, and both well trained…”
“Officer,” said Officer Eight in the same ironic tone, “I don’t suppose Mr.Black has any intention to underrate you. But I think you may be missing a bit of the picture here.
“Think about it,” he went on. “Mr.Black is an unregistered Animagus. Don’t you think that this forces some questions about the story commonly told about him?
“Think about it, Radha.” (And her ears pricked up; he never used her personal name save in the most serious of circumstances.) “As an unregistered Animagus, in this incredibly powerful and threatening form, Mr.Black could have got at the Potters and at little Harry any time he wished. He could have torn the child’s throat out without any need for his master to bother. The whole business of a Fidelius charm, a betrayal, and You-Know-Who himself coming to murder father, mother and child - it simply doesn’t fit. There is something here that we don’t know.”
Officer Seventeen wasn’t stupid. In fact, she was brighter than Officer Eight, and he appreciated that. But he had much more experience, and so could evaluate a situation faster and more reliably; and she was beginning to appreciate this. As he spoke, her expression changed.
“And if there was?” growled Sirius. “I’m an escapee from Azkaban, a convicted murderer, and also an illegal Animagus - you know that now. Don’t you have enough on me?”
“Oh dear,” and Officer Seventeen all but giggled, “he thinks we’re cops. Why does everyone take us for some sort of super-cops?”
“I blame that damn Muggle movie, myself,” answered Officer Eight in the same tone. Sirius was stunned. “Do I look like Kevin Costner?”
“More like Charles Bronson,” bantered back Agent Seventeen, and Agent Eight responded with a look of comical disgust. “At least you don’t have the moustache.”
“Mr.Black, the Unspeakables are not a law enforcement agency - not in any way, shape or form. Even if we were convinced that you are the villain they say, we would be under no legal obligation to turn you in. Our interest in your case is entirely different.
“Of course,” he went on, “it would still be our duty as citizens to call in the Aurors, if we knew that we had detained a murderer. As it is, we don’t actually know that. We would like to hear your story, and if it makes better sense than the one we know, we might come to some arrangement.”
Sirius started laughing. At first it was a low, throaty rumble, half-held back by clenched teeth; then it grew into an uncontrollable, indeed hysterical burst of wild hilarity, a cachinnation that set both Officers’ teeth on edge. In that laugh lay the horrors of twelve years in Hell, without due process or mercy, of the destruction of his good name, of a world turned upside down. Eventually, as it boiled down, he managed to get a few words out: “makes sense… you aren’t cops… so you want the truth… cops… the cops didn’t… are supposed to, but didn’t… so obviously…” He choked, coughed, and was silent.
After a while, the voice of Officer Seventeen was heard, gentle, feminine and caressing.
“Mr.Black? We realize it may be traumatic… But if you told us your story, it might help.”
…………………………………………………………
“Well,” said MacKenzie, “that’s a bundle of news and no mistake.”
“You don’t seem… pardon my asking, but you don’t seem as astonished as I’d expect.”
“Maybe not, Mr.Black. The thing is, we are the right people to have our ideas overturned.”
“We are researchers. We have to look at unlikely things in the face.”
“Absolutely. And there is one thing… May I ask a very improper question, Mr.Black?”
“You’ve been the only ones who asked any questions at all. Ask away.”
“Does Padfoot ever have sexual relations with bitches?”
Sirius’ laugh, this time, was honest, unhysterical, really amused - and mercifully short. “No wonder you were looking nervous. The answer is no.”
Both agents looked rather crestfallen. Sirius went on: “You have to realize that Padfoot is not a separate being. It’s still me in there. Even as a dog, I am aware that I am a man… I wouldn’t like to explain how, but I am… and, frankly, I’m not interested.”
MacKenzie reacted to this: “But could he… you, if you wanted to?”
“I guess so. The apparatus is certainly there.”
The two officers looked at each other.
“The thing is… as I said, Mr.Black, the Unspeakables are researchers. We study magic in all its forms and manifestations. And of course, one of its most interesting manifestations is magical creatures. That is what Officer Seventeen and myself specialize in.
“We have been working on a general theory that many or most kinds of magical beings are the result of sexual congress between ordinary animals and Animagi. The trouble, of course, is proving it. The prehistory of magical mankind is immense, and anything could have happened in there. We have recently had a great breakthrough, when we proved that the sorceress Bastet had really existed, and that all Kneazles are descended from her. But other animals…
“Anyway, the point is this. Magic is not stable. We are often called to investigate wholly new, or previously undiscovered, magical creatures. And just recently, there has been a positive epidemic of magical rats of various kinds.”
“Wait a minute,” said Sirius incredulously. “You’re never trying to tell me that…”
“Yes, well. Genetic evidence proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the various magical rats all have a single father or forefather, but various mothers. And this had stumped us, for we had never heard of a licensed rat Animagus… or even of a known unlicensed one. Your story just filled a gap for us.”
“Oh my dear sweet Merlin…” Laughter almost choked Sirius. “So old Wormtail has been getting his rocks off, has he? The only way he ever could…” And he went on laughing and laughing till he was gasping with his laughs.
“Well, officers, even if I’d got nothing else from meeting you, I’ve got to thank you for giving me more laughs in one hour than I’ve had in decades. Oh my God, Wormtail… Wormtail and his rat bonnes fortunes…”
“I’m glad you feel so good about it, Mr.Black. You must realize, however, that there is no evidence for this yet.”
That brought Sirius back down to earth. “But didn’t you say…?”
“We have evidence that all the breeds of magical rat that have appeared in the last six years come from a single male adult. But we can’t prove that that adult was your Judas friend, or indeed any kind of Animagus. And I have to tell you that some of our colleagues are trying to prove that this male ancestor was itself not magical at all.”
“How do they work that out? Oh, never mind. I would probably never understand it anyway, and I’m not in the mood for a headache. And besides, you said another thing… something else that’s very, very important. Much more important.”
“Let me guess: the fact that all the magical rat species have appeared in the last six years?”
“Exactly! Isn’t it obvious that if Peter was around for the last six years, screwing his fellow rats right and left, he could not possibly have been killed by me thirteen years ago or however long it was?”
“Quite. But if we want to get you off for good - let alone prove our theory - we have to catch your friend. In my experience, wizarding juries are pretty stupid about scientific evidence, and just proving that Pettigrew was alive from the genetic evidence of his children and grandchildren is not a risk I’d care to take.”
“Not to mention,” added Sirius grumpily, “that you would have Fudge pressing for the opposite result all the way. His authority would not survive my being proven innocent, and he’ll fight it like a wildcat.”
“I hadn’t thought of that, but I guess that might be the case. too. And that means we have to find Pettigrew. More than anything.”
“Ah, well, that’s easy enough then. Find You-Know-Who. By now, there is no doubt that Peter is with him. Where else could he go?”
A chill settled on the room. Sirius realized that he had said something deeply unpalatable.
It was then that an owl appeared from the corridor, and, dodging the two Officers, made straight for Sirius. The two Officers were impressed: only a well-trained and powerfully magical owl could have found one wizard inside their secret and shielded research complex.
Sirius read the owl’s message and turned pale.
“Officers, forget what I just said. It will be easy to find the Nameless One. I know exactly where he is now.”
“What?”
“He is at the Ministry, where he has laid a death trap for my godson, Harry Potter. If he gets Harry, the war is over and he has won.”
“But…”
“Officers, I don’t know what you want to say or do, but I’ll tell you this: I am going to get Harry. Anyone who wants to stop me will have to use force!”
The last word ended in a bark, as Sirius turned into Padfoot and leapt into the space between the two officers. He raced down the corridor, and this time no Stunner stopped him.
…………………………………………………
Next morning, Radha and Ryan met on their way to work. Each of them had a copy of that morning’s Daily Prophet. They looked at each other; Ryan shook his head, and Radha mouthed a Bengali obscenity. There wasn’t much more that could be said.
Author: fpb
Recipient: curia_regis
Character(s): Sirius
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 2200
Warnings (highlight to view):Some discussion of Animagus sex
Author's Notes (if any): None
The Unspeakables
“He’s very hostile” said Officer Eight (Ryan MacKenzie) to Officer Seventeen (Radha Sacchidananda). That was a bit of an understatement: the big black dog was hugging the back of the room, as far away from them as he could, snarling with his fangs bared and slightly drooling, showing the plainest possible signs of fighting rage. It seemed only a matter of time before he went for someone’s throat.
“Well, Officer, I’m hardly surprised. We’ve held him and tested him for how long? Days? And found nothing. I say it’s time to try the Anti spell.”
“And if you’re wrong?”
“If I am wrong? Is there any diagnostic spell you haven’t tried? If I’m wrong, we set him free and follow him, and look for signs of any kind of magic we never met before. We won’t get anywhere keeping him here…”
The rest of the phrase was drowned in a bloodcurdling snarl, as the dog suddenly sprang in the general direction of Officer Eight’s throat. The experienced Officer moved sideways, managing to make the dog tumble over and behind him; but as soon as he had, and as he was preparing for another assault, the dog went straight on, running down the corridor. It was just an instinctive Stunner from Officer Seventeen that prevented him from vanishing in a second.
“That’s no dog…” panted the stricken MacKenzie. “That’s not how a dog behaves.”
“He faked you out, didn’t he?”
“He pretended to be snarling. He pretended to be furious. He pretended to be going for my throat… then, as soon as he was over me, he just kept running. Running away.”
There was a silence. Officer Seventeen was too junior to push Officer Eight any further, but her “I told you so” could almost be heard in the small room. The dog lay there, recovering from her Stunner, and looking from one to the other with what the imaginative Officer Seventeen could have sworn was impatience. It was as if he were telling them: If you are going to do it, at least don’t keep me waiting.
“All right, then. We’ll do it your way. Let’s see whether there’s something else inside the animal.”
………………………………………………………
Sirius Black could not exactly explain the sensation of changing from man to animal and back to a human being; the closest he could come - on the rare occasions he would discuss it - was that it was like waking up, but waking from being awake. It was a different kind of wakefulness. As a dog, he did not have - and did not need - words; as a wizard, he lacked the exact way to express his experiences as a dog. One thing, however, he had never experienced yet: he had not been forced from one form to another, as he and Remus had once forced Peter Pettigrew. Now he knew he was going to find out.
Well? What were they waiting for? He knew them, at least he knew what they were, from having seen them in the Ministry; although Padfoot could not have shaped the word “Unspeakables”. He was in the hands of the Ministry, with no escape. He just hoped they’d be quick about it.
…………………………………………………
“Well, well, well,” said Officer Eight. “You were right, Officer Seventeen. Mr.Black, I presume? Sirius Black?”
Officer Seventeen looked at him as if he had lost his mind. Her words and mood were quite different: “All right, Black. I don’t know what you have in those rags of yours, but remember there are two wands in this room, and both well trained…”
“Officer,” said Officer Eight in the same ironic tone, “I don’t suppose Mr.Black has any intention to underrate you. But I think you may be missing a bit of the picture here.
“Think about it,” he went on. “Mr.Black is an unregistered Animagus. Don’t you think that this forces some questions about the story commonly told about him?
“Think about it, Radha.” (And her ears pricked up; he never used her personal name save in the most serious of circumstances.) “As an unregistered Animagus, in this incredibly powerful and threatening form, Mr.Black could have got at the Potters and at little Harry any time he wished. He could have torn the child’s throat out without any need for his master to bother. The whole business of a Fidelius charm, a betrayal, and You-Know-Who himself coming to murder father, mother and child - it simply doesn’t fit. There is something here that we don’t know.”
Officer Seventeen wasn’t stupid. In fact, she was brighter than Officer Eight, and he appreciated that. But he had much more experience, and so could evaluate a situation faster and more reliably; and she was beginning to appreciate this. As he spoke, her expression changed.
“And if there was?” growled Sirius. “I’m an escapee from Azkaban, a convicted murderer, and also an illegal Animagus - you know that now. Don’t you have enough on me?”
“Oh dear,” and Officer Seventeen all but giggled, “he thinks we’re cops. Why does everyone take us for some sort of super-cops?”
“I blame that damn Muggle movie, myself,” answered Officer Eight in the same tone. Sirius was stunned. “Do I look like Kevin Costner?”
“More like Charles Bronson,” bantered back Agent Seventeen, and Agent Eight responded with a look of comical disgust. “At least you don’t have the moustache.”
“Mr.Black, the Unspeakables are not a law enforcement agency - not in any way, shape or form. Even if we were convinced that you are the villain they say, we would be under no legal obligation to turn you in. Our interest in your case is entirely different.
“Of course,” he went on, “it would still be our duty as citizens to call in the Aurors, if we knew that we had detained a murderer. As it is, we don’t actually know that. We would like to hear your story, and if it makes better sense than the one we know, we might come to some arrangement.”
Sirius started laughing. At first it was a low, throaty rumble, half-held back by clenched teeth; then it grew into an uncontrollable, indeed hysterical burst of wild hilarity, a cachinnation that set both Officers’ teeth on edge. In that laugh lay the horrors of twelve years in Hell, without due process or mercy, of the destruction of his good name, of a world turned upside down. Eventually, as it boiled down, he managed to get a few words out: “makes sense… you aren’t cops… so you want the truth… cops… the cops didn’t… are supposed to, but didn’t… so obviously…” He choked, coughed, and was silent.
After a while, the voice of Officer Seventeen was heard, gentle, feminine and caressing.
“Mr.Black? We realize it may be traumatic… But if you told us your story, it might help.”
…………………………………………………………
“Well,” said MacKenzie, “that’s a bundle of news and no mistake.”
“You don’t seem… pardon my asking, but you don’t seem as astonished as I’d expect.”
“Maybe not, Mr.Black. The thing is, we are the right people to have our ideas overturned.”
“We are researchers. We have to look at unlikely things in the face.”
“Absolutely. And there is one thing… May I ask a very improper question, Mr.Black?”
“You’ve been the only ones who asked any questions at all. Ask away.”
“Does Padfoot ever have sexual relations with bitches?”
Sirius’ laugh, this time, was honest, unhysterical, really amused - and mercifully short. “No wonder you were looking nervous. The answer is no.”
Both agents looked rather crestfallen. Sirius went on: “You have to realize that Padfoot is not a separate being. It’s still me in there. Even as a dog, I am aware that I am a man… I wouldn’t like to explain how, but I am… and, frankly, I’m not interested.”
MacKenzie reacted to this: “But could he… you, if you wanted to?”
“I guess so. The apparatus is certainly there.”
The two officers looked at each other.
“The thing is… as I said, Mr.Black, the Unspeakables are researchers. We study magic in all its forms and manifestations. And of course, one of its most interesting manifestations is magical creatures. That is what Officer Seventeen and myself specialize in.
“We have been working on a general theory that many or most kinds of magical beings are the result of sexual congress between ordinary animals and Animagi. The trouble, of course, is proving it. The prehistory of magical mankind is immense, and anything could have happened in there. We have recently had a great breakthrough, when we proved that the sorceress Bastet had really existed, and that all Kneazles are descended from her. But other animals…
“Anyway, the point is this. Magic is not stable. We are often called to investigate wholly new, or previously undiscovered, magical creatures. And just recently, there has been a positive epidemic of magical rats of various kinds.”
“Wait a minute,” said Sirius incredulously. “You’re never trying to tell me that…”
“Yes, well. Genetic evidence proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the various magical rats all have a single father or forefather, but various mothers. And this had stumped us, for we had never heard of a licensed rat Animagus… or even of a known unlicensed one. Your story just filled a gap for us.”
“Oh my dear sweet Merlin…” Laughter almost choked Sirius. “So old Wormtail has been getting his rocks off, has he? The only way he ever could…” And he went on laughing and laughing till he was gasping with his laughs.
“Well, officers, even if I’d got nothing else from meeting you, I’ve got to thank you for giving me more laughs in one hour than I’ve had in decades. Oh my God, Wormtail… Wormtail and his rat bonnes fortunes…”
“I’m glad you feel so good about it, Mr.Black. You must realize, however, that there is no evidence for this yet.”
That brought Sirius back down to earth. “But didn’t you say…?”
“We have evidence that all the breeds of magical rat that have appeared in the last six years come from a single male adult. But we can’t prove that that adult was your Judas friend, or indeed any kind of Animagus. And I have to tell you that some of our colleagues are trying to prove that this male ancestor was itself not magical at all.”
“How do they work that out? Oh, never mind. I would probably never understand it anyway, and I’m not in the mood for a headache. And besides, you said another thing… something else that’s very, very important. Much more important.”
“Let me guess: the fact that all the magical rat species have appeared in the last six years?”
“Exactly! Isn’t it obvious that if Peter was around for the last six years, screwing his fellow rats right and left, he could not possibly have been killed by me thirteen years ago or however long it was?”
“Quite. But if we want to get you off for good - let alone prove our theory - we have to catch your friend. In my experience, wizarding juries are pretty stupid about scientific evidence, and just proving that Pettigrew was alive from the genetic evidence of his children and grandchildren is not a risk I’d care to take.”
“Not to mention,” added Sirius grumpily, “that you would have Fudge pressing for the opposite result all the way. His authority would not survive my being proven innocent, and he’ll fight it like a wildcat.”
“I hadn’t thought of that, but I guess that might be the case. too. And that means we have to find Pettigrew. More than anything.”
“Ah, well, that’s easy enough then. Find You-Know-Who. By now, there is no doubt that Peter is with him. Where else could he go?”
A chill settled on the room. Sirius realized that he had said something deeply unpalatable.
It was then that an owl appeared from the corridor, and, dodging the two Officers, made straight for Sirius. The two Officers were impressed: only a well-trained and powerfully magical owl could have found one wizard inside their secret and shielded research complex.
Sirius read the owl’s message and turned pale.
“Officers, forget what I just said. It will be easy to find the Nameless One. I know exactly where he is now.”
“What?”
“He is at the Ministry, where he has laid a death trap for my godson, Harry Potter. If he gets Harry, the war is over and he has won.”
“But…”
“Officers, I don’t know what you want to say or do, but I’ll tell you this: I am going to get Harry. Anyone who wants to stop me will have to use force!”
The last word ended in a bark, as Sirius turned into Padfoot and leapt into the space between the two officers. He raced down the corridor, and this time no Stunner stopped him.
…………………………………………………
Next morning, Radha and Ryan met on their way to work. Each of them had a copy of that morning’s Daily Prophet. They looked at each other; Ryan shook his head, and Radha mouthed a Bengali obscenity. There wasn’t much more that could be said.